I want to know you
Like I want to be known
I want to feel you
Like I want to be felt
I want you to love me
The way that I love you
I need you hear me
Like I hear you
I don't want to be left alone
All alone, outside in the cold
left by myself with you
Not in my arms
The Reality in My Brain
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
I wish you could read my mind
The hours spent in numbing cruel silence; pacing the gaumy floor of resistance
I wish you could see my mind
The brutish gloom that seeps into your soul during a nightmare, those are my daydreams
I wish you could hear my mind
The mournful call in the bleak wintry landscape; frozen and crackly
I wish you could live in my mind
Fearful of the labyrinth, no end in sight, the roar of the hungry beast waiting impatiently to rip your beating heart from your chest....you scream.
I wish.....I wish....wish....
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Sitting in silence
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Grief
Sometimes the grief hits you like a brick to the temple when you're in the middle of a belly laugh.
I see my mom, in my minds eye, lying there in my living room dying. As if that wasn't bad enough my brain decides too be a real douche-bag and I get to relive more horrors. My pets dying, my grandma yelling in pain and dying, the lady that got electrocuted and I stood there watching paramedics try and revive her with the paddles (years later the family pulled the plug).
Those moments flash back and stop me. They stop my joy. They stop the laughter.
I will never be that person I was the day that woman died in front of me next to the carousel.
I'll never be that person that I was the day before my grandma died in my arms.
I'll never be that person I was the moment before my mother slowly and painfully died in my living room.
No, I cannot be that person. I've made peace with that. I'd like to know who I am now? I'd like to know how to heal from those experiences. I'd like to be me, whatever or whoever that is today.