This week I was struck with the immensity of the angry emotions I have for my mother right now. Yes, I know she has been dead for almost a year, but damn it, I am angry at her. I know there are many out there that want to say, "let's not talk ill of the dead." and I disagree. I am the one with this emotion. Are you saying my emotions are invalid? I should bottle this inner rage so the dead, that did this to us and themselves wrong, can rest in peace? I am not buying it.
My mom's death was COMPLETELY preventable. She smoked 40 years, ate poorly, never exercised, and was not exactly a positive person. This was not someone that had an piano fall from a window and kill them. This was someone that was told many many MANY times from doctors and family to mend their ways and she chose to ignore the warnings.
When I was little my mom got sick. She coughed for 3 months before going to the doctor. They told her to quit smoking. NO!
When I was an early teen my mom began to have back problems and the doctors said, "You have degenerative disk disease. You need to get more calcium and exercise to strengthen your back muscles and support your bone health." NO and NO! She did not exercise and did not drink milk, eat broccoli, or take supplements to get more calcium. She instead smoked more laid on her stomach with telephone books on her back and took painkillers.
When I was a mid-teen my found out she had extremely high blood pressure and was told to quit smoking, exercise, and do some stress relief. NO! Instead she said it was my fault, my dad's fault, and her stupid boss that stressed her out.
Somewhere in there she was told her blood sugar levels we showing she was a pre-diabetic. She was told to change her diet and come back in 3 months to see if the A1C was lower. After that visit she was given a glucometer and told she need to check her blood sugar levels at least 3 times a day, change her diet, and get exercise. NO, NO, NO! She refused to change her diet, get exercise, and check her blood. She told us the doctors were blowing it out of proportion. About a year later she was on Metformin, a slew of blood pressure medications, and painkillers. She still smoked, she still ate the same, and did not exercise.
Her degenerative disk disease was caused by the smoking. It leached calcium from her bones. She hated milk and would only eat ice cream. She did not like to "hassle" with broccoli and other calcium rich foods either because she "didn't have time." She wouldn't take a supplement because she took" too many pills already." My dad began to ask her if she was on a suicide mission and she would get defensive and yell at him.
Her high blood pressure was most likely the direct result from her stewing angry ways and smoking like a chimney. Towards the end of her life, when she was smoking less because she couldn't breathe, her blood pressure (20 years later) was finally going down.
Her blood sugar levels got so bad she was on a strict insulin regimen. She tested herself on a regular basis and still ate copious amounts of sugar, of which were never in the form of fruit!
What killed her ultimately was her smoking. That cough that lasted more than 3 months was most likely the beginning of her COPD. She smoked like a freight train for 40 years and coughed, wheezed, and panted all the way to the grave.
I cannot turn back time but I can make sure I do my best to not walk in her shoes. Right now I am angry. My youngest lost someone as close to him as I am. She never told us how sick she really was, her doctor told us in passing, "She knew this was coming." She never prepared us, she didn't prepare NOTHING. She let it all go just like she did her body. She left us holding the bag of snakes! She checked out and didn't pay! She knew it was coming, she knew what she was doing. She WAS on a suicide mission. A quiet painful mission that left the rest of us in the dark and unprepared.
When I think of her death I think of it as a suicide. She had OVER 20 years to make changes and she refused to make even one!
I think I would think differently about this if she had tried to eat differently, stop smoking or at least cut back, tried her best to exercise, and made a noticeable difference. She just kept watching TV, smoking, eating sugar and processed foods, and sitting.
I do feel angry about this and in time it will wan. I am more pained by seeing what effects her life decisions have had on my children and I think, "It's one thing to fuck with me, MOM! But you have fucked with my kids and that pisses me off! How dare you!? That was very selfish of you!"
