Let's talk

Conversation tonight with hubby:

Me: you know we never really have deep talks anymore. Is this because we have nothing to say? 

Hub looks at me with nothing to say then says, after a long pause: we watched Fringe together. That is some deep bonding moments together.

That was not what I was wanting. I was hoping it could become a springboard for a conversation. I even asked, several minutes later, about his upcoming weekend workshop he was going to. He doesn't know anything and didn't have anything to share and not thoughts on it so that conversation died within seconds of its birth. 

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone most of the time. Everything is different. It's like I crossed into another universe and we all know each other but we don't. 

My world has been upside down for so long I don't know which way is up anymore. 

 

Ever have weird thoughts pop into your head at the weirdest moments? 

A few minutes ago the memory of tiny paper Dixie cups at my grandparent's house. Her house always smelled of spices. Mostly celery seed and bay leaf. Black coffee in the percolator, hot buttered toast, and Sunny Delight or chocolate milk for me. Grandma going to work and grandpa getting up from his night shift from the railroad. My mom long gone at work. 

I spent many hours alone while grandpa did his own thing all day until grandma got off work and she then did her own thing until my dad came and got me after he got off. We would get home and my dad would go off to do his own thing. My mom would get off work, come home and make dinner, clean up the kitchen, do some laundry, and then sit down to watch TV until bedtime. 

I had all day everyday of summer break, spring break, and winter break to absorb every inch of both houses. I mixed spices, I concocted potions, I tried on shoes, I searched all the drawers, I drew pictures, I colored, I masturbated, and I was bored. 

Funny, writing it all down I see how I haven't changed much. My kids do their own thing now, I eat almost all my meals alone. When my husband comes home he disappears to the garage, neighbors, or the bed to look at his iPad. I do what I have always have done. I play with spices (cook), make potions (tinctures), paint and sew, and other things. 

My husband makes comments about my need for solitude and quietude. My "homebody" ways. I've never, in 38 yrs, done ANYTHING different. 

I married my husband, unconsciously, because he was familiar. He didn't bug or intrude. He let this princess head off to her secret ball....alone. 

God vs Satan

This morning I saw this meme online ......

 My mom was a theist. She believed that you had to say, " in Jesus's name, Amen" after a prayer to make sure it went "up to God in Heaven." If you didn't go through Jesus your prayer didn't count and God wouldn't listen. I was also taught how God created everybody and everything, even the Devil, the fallen angel. I remember discussing all this with my mom when I was very little. The conversation was recalled upon sight of this meme. 

I remember have internal conflict with the knowledge bestowed upon me. God was super powerful. He healed people, he created people, he killed people, he made a flood, he created the devil. The devil was an angel that went rogue and God stripped him of his wings and demoted him and sent him away. Then Satan was pissed and began fucking with all of Gods people and God was powerless to stop him. 

I looked at my mom and I remember saying, " if god is powerful enough to make people, kill people, and all that, why can't he kill then devil?" We went around and around . My mom had every possible explanation that was forced fed to her when she was little. She regurgitated it all like a good Christian mother. 

How powerful can God be if the Devil can wipe out his handy work? Wouldn't that make the devil more powerful than God? How can people worship a deity that plays mind games with them. Throws in a wrench like the devil and walks away and says, " have fun. I'm outta here, oh but if you want me you will have to go through my son." 

This is why I don't believe in  all this. No one ever had a logical sound answer to my questions. It was always answered with circle talk and canned responses. I get the same thing from every other religion as well. Hindu, Buddhism, all have the canned responses and if you "don't get it" you are defective. If you get it you are springboard up to the top with cheers and admiration. 

It's time to stop all this nonsense and get logical. Rad the Bible and fine the grains of truth in a logical light. Like don't touch dead people is sound advice. What if they are contagious? Logic, it is dangerous! 

Somedays....

Somedays leave you scratching your head. This was to be of those days for me. It started all right and ended all right but it had weird and slightly unpleasant occurrences. This morning I woke up feeling fine. A little dry mouthed from being slightly dehydrated from the several hours in the sun and the sunburn I was sporting. Nothing harsh, though. I jumped up and got ready for my day. I needed to multi-task because I needed to make it to the place I volunteer to teach yoga. I ran downstairs with my razor and bottled water. Grabbed the single serving packet of wasabi seaweed and began to eat it as I shaved my legs.  As little sheets of seaweed dissolved on my tongue I noticed my throat felt weird. I even noticed a weird splotch of red where I was shaving. I was in such a hurry I threw that thought into the waste basket and got moving. I washed down my seaweed with lemon water and my throat felt better. I chalked it up to a dry morning throat. As I was doing yoga I noticed that the splotchy redness was on my arms. I didn't burn on my arms. I was beginning to feel a tinge of concern.

As I reached the building to do yoga I get a call from my son. He broke the 5 gallon bucket of honey and it was spilling.....

As I was driving home my other son called me to say in a frantic voice, " um, mom, um, (pause with crying in the background) um, mom, we were fighting and Z...um, I think he broke his fingers ( pause long enough to make my heart fly out my asshole), um, he broke his fingernails and he won't let me look." I  get home and everybody is ok, except one fingernail. Karma is a bitch when you try to stab someone with your nails.

I walk in the door. I'm feeling funny but can't put my finger on it. Little light headed and sluggish. I eat something. I let the dogs out while I eat and change my clothes. I hear my German Shepherd slam against the door twice. Not like him, so, I open the door to find him biting a bumble bee in half. I step on the bee so it wouldn't suffer. My dog spent the rest of the day acting sluggish. I'm sure he was stung and bumblebee stings are hellish. 

I talked the kids into going swimwear shopping. I was feeling worse. I was getting nauseated. I was red head to toe with a mysterious rash. We finished our shopping and came home. I just sat in my recliner and chilled. I finally mustered up the strength to walk a mile on the treadmill and made dinner. The rash is subsiding and I researched seaweed allergy. Textbook case. Never had problems before. There goes my sushi.

Anyhow, the day came to a close and all was well. The dog and I survived. My son's finger survived. Most of the honey survived due to my mad MacGyver techniques using a rubber band. The rash is much much lighter and I don't feel as bad. I got a new swimsuit, new skirt, and the kids have new trunks and swim shirts....

Then a brown recluse ran across the floor and onto the couch. It met an untimely death by beating with an iPad and shoe. Scared the shit out of the cat and kids. I was hailed psychopath by my children and all is well, again.

Now I lie in bed thinking, "what a weird fucking day." 

I'm cool with Tuesday being boring and uneventful. Just throwing that out there. 

***right after hitting the publish button I heard a small explosion outside. Weird.***

That quiet time....

...sitting alone in the dark and listening to all the noises around you. I love these moments. The neighbors and all their equipment noises, smoking, drier sheet smells, all of that has stopped. Only thing left are the wet frog noises, distant traffic noises, and breathing dog by my side. The night is still. An occasional owl will hoot and the night hawk will squeak but the rest of the world slumbers. 

All sorts of images, thoughts, and memories float around in my noggin and I stop to think how surreal this moment in time really is. It feels magical. It feels distant. It feels impossible. I'm grateful. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm lonely. I'm not alone. I'm at peace. I'm in a constant state of flux. I'm neither here or there. I'm not one or the other. I'm a gray...

Atheist vs. Christians

I would say I'm an atheist. Perhaps an agnostic with atheist tendencies. I don't believe there is a God but I'm open minded enough to realize that not everything can be explained by science and not so arrogant to dismiss that fact. I whole heartedly disagree with religions, dogma, and wish there were none to speak of. There are, so be it. 

I've been known to speak about fundamentalists quite often and disgusted by their narrow minded beliefs. Their arrogance to disregard science is appalling. Not to mention their stance on women rights, gay rights, and a grocery list of other issues I'm not willing to get into right now. 

My problem is not with Christians right now, nor Muslims, nor Jewish, nor any other religion that asks you to follow an asinine dogma. My problem is with atheist. I hate telling people I'm an atheist because my own kind are so detestable that I'm embarrassed to admit I'm one of them. 

Atheist are just as ignorant, just as mean, just as arrogant, just as harsh, and just as narrow minded as all the rest that do believe in a god. I've been n a few atheist FB pages and I'm continually aware of the similarities between the believers and the nots. They are both militant. Both right. Both on the correct side. Both are " good people" and everyone else is not. Instead of atheist wishing you to hell they just simply wish death upon you. Both groups are extremely arrogant. Both are fundamentalists. Both have a belief system.

When you point this out to atheist they go bat shit crazy. They spat rude comments, they hiss, they bite back with fangs full of venom. How dare someone tell them they are acting the same way. 

I've decided not to belong to these haters as well. I'm so disillusioned with our human race. I'm so disgusted with the whole lot.  It's hard to rationalize with someone warped on God or someone warped on Hate of anybody that does believe in God. It's sad, really, that a Muslim is afraid to say they are because of the crazies that taint their peaceful life. It's sad I can't share my beliefs safely because militant assholes hijacked the cause to wish death upon people. 

As Everett McGill said in Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?  "I guess I'm the only one that remains unaffiliated."  This is how I will describe myself from now on. I no longer want to be affiliated to atheists.   

Never enough

I'm ungrateful. My cup is never full. I am an only child.

I think my desires are unreasonable. I set myself up for disappointment. Perhaps, I'm not so spoiled and I have a valid justifiable reasoning why I'm feeling sad.

Could it be I eat dinner, lunch, and most breakfasts alone? Could it be I live a strong silent type and I need someone to talk to about life? Could it be that 5 nights a week I am alone with only 2 minor males? Could it be I'm not so spoiled after all? Could it be I'm starve and desperate? 

Maybe my cup is full of dry sand and what I need is cool refreshing water. Maybe then I will feel satisfied. 

Being me

I've recently hit a creative spurt. I mean spurt because that is what I do. I have my things all over the place. My art room was not able to contain my creativity. It was stifling it. I gave the space to my model making son to use and I moved my operation to the dining table and living room. My husband is being very forgiving. 

The table is covered with several different projects going at once. I cannot have just one at a time. I don't work like that. It's an all or nothing scenario. The table at this moment has balsam wood coated in plaster and pastel dust drying, 10 new canvas still in wrappers, open glitter containers, glue, water colors, sealants, and paper. I even bought some old photos and rare antique postcards to use in a couple projects. Next to all that is a box of seeds for my outdoor adventures. 

The floor leading to the living room has glitter wedged into all the cracks of the wood floor. My husband stated tonight, " it looks like a glitter bomb went off in here." We'll, sort of, a box of mixed glitter fell off the shelf. I must have put them on top of the masks I already made. 

The living room has a big ass easel with an equally big ass canvas of a monk being painted on it. The foot stool has become my paint tray; all the tubes lying there in a row with the colors staring back at me. A step stool flanks the other side of the easel to hold the brushes, jar of water, and the iPad so I can look at the photo and listen to music. The large black kitchen chair is in front of the easel ready for when my next inspiration flashes and needs to be applied. 

It's quite honestly a mess but I'm having a blast. I am feeling so happy and so creative and so inspired and I have no one but myself to thank. It really feels good.

My husband is a fucking saint. He deserves my love, totally. 

I also can't wait to see all these projects complete and begin more! 

I think I'm back :)

ADHD

It's been a while since I've written on this blog and most of my followers have vanished since my hiatus. It actually feels good not being known. I like to compare myself to a little roly-poly bug under a rock. It's not my style, really, to be flashy and in your face. I'm the one, as a little girl that sat in the back of the class, whispered to the teacher in her ear, and sat in my room alone.

I was also the one that sat at her desk and was completely absorbed in my thoughts. I rarely listened to my teachers. I was the perpetual daydreamer. Always off in la-la land. I would hear my teacher begin talking to the class and soon I was off in a distant land of unknown origins. I would always lie to my mother and tell her I was thinking of a celebrity. I wasn't but she believed that better than, " nothing" and " I don't know." I was sucked into a tunnel vision. A lull. I was simply not there.

I was so happy when I graduated early from high school. I couldn't take that stifling place any longer. I spent several years avoiding school. I went back to school for a short stint when my children were very little. I did marginally well. I took ceramics, gym, art history online, and German. I noticed that I fell back into my old habits. I was very angry with myself. I spent much of the time zoning out and floating off to my place I hide when people talk. This was true for lecture time. During German I did well if we were speaking to each other. In ceramics I had my hands busy and and equally spacey teacher. Art history was pretty much n my terms and wasn't as big of an issue as German. Gym was easy, walk in and work out and leave. I still couldn't find time to listen, be present, and be as productive as I wanted to be in my head.

Fast forward several years to one preteen and 2 teens and what I'm doing now is yoga school.
I'm training to be a Yoga instructor. I sit in class and within a few minutes my teacher sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher, "wah wah wah."

I try to stay with it. I try to repeat the words I hear, in my head, to remember them. I change my position. I fidget. I doodle. I am distracted. I can hear the road noises, tummy gurgles, the cleaning lady in the building next door. I hear, see, smell, and feel everything around me. Then like a Mack truck hitting a hot dog on the road, I'm squished with the reality that no one else is having this trouble. They look content. They seem equip to answer the questions. They seem to know what we are talking bout and are able to engage in conversation. I stumble over words because I jump in to speak and realize later we've moved on from that subject and I'm just coming too from my hypnotic trance to give a response.

I hate learning with teachers, classes, peer groups, etc...
It is too stressful. In support type groups I'm very nervous because I know I'm suppose to listen but I can't. I do my best and I don't get it all. I'm not forgetful, I'm just not listening. My brain plays a childish game of " I can't hear you!" In almost every situation.

The other day I heard about ADHD in adults. I decided to look into it. I read some interesting literature on it. I even took a quiz to see if I might have it.

What I found while reading seemed to be pointing its bony finger in my face and screaming "you! You!"

One article said that Adults, mostly women, are misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I was once diagnosed with that but it didn't feel right. I'm not crazy. I just don't function like everybody else. The article said women go un-diagnosed for a long time because they hide it well and ADHD people tend to have high IQs. The older they get the harder it gets. The quiz was the kicker. After I took the quiz I felt like I finally had my answer. It all made sense. I'm not crazy, I'm not lazy, I just can't seem to process, organize, and concentrate the same. In the quiz it said a score of 12 was a highly probability of being ADHD. My score was a whopping 39 overall and 16 for hyperactivity/impulsiveness!

What do I do now? I don't know. I'm not taking drugs, that is for sure. I suppose this knowledge just let's me know not to beat myself up anymore. I'm not super woman and I'm not going to play one on TV.