I don't believe in the devil but I do have demons. Demons like self loathing, low self esteem, zero confidence, depression, and many more.
I've dealt with these demons for years. I was bullied in school and on the school bus (a boy punched me in the nose.) In fact, when retelling this story my MILs partner asked what I did to deserve the punch in the nose, basically condoning the abuse. I was bullied in my family. I'm always been heavy. I got a taste of being thin (for me, I was a size 9) and a boy told me I was still fat. I've always been short. I've not had the life of being lived and admired because I'm thin, tall, and, well, that's all.
I'm passed over, ignored, and not respected because I'm a chubby and short woman. My MILs partner is a shining example of what an asshole men can be. He's loved by everyone for being a nice guy. That's because he bends over backwards for thin women and all men.
I digress. The point I'm making is that I'm not magazine model worthy and I'm not a Mensa scholar. I'm just a regular person that works like to feel happy.
This brings me back to my demons. I'm not sure how to vanquish my demons. How does one kill the demons that keep the happiness away?
How does one come to grips that their family and married into family are toxic and how to deal with that?
I'm not sure where to begin in my healing. I've had many talks with my husband about this but it falls on deaf ears or he sets up his defence. Either way, I'm left worth no resolve.
I'm quite disgusted by men. At one time I went asking with it. Sex when you didn't want it, accepting their belief I was the bad guy, and accepting the overwhelming loneliness and silence.
Tired of being the bad guy that deserved what I had coming to me just based on the fact I'm a woman and I must have don't something to cause the; abuse, rape, and painful words.
I'm tired of men. I'm so weary. I'm willing to accept my flaws and work through them but most flaws wouldn't exist if it were not for MEN!
