Charlie Brown....

I sometimes feel like Charlie Brown. Moping around feeling sorry for myself. At somepoint I realize I am doing it to myself. I create my own world. It is then I make a sloppy vow with myself to change. If I had changed I would not be here now complaining about my inner Charlie Brown. How am I Charlie Brown you say? Let me tell you. I don't feel included in much that goes on around me. I don't feel as if I belong. I feel like a fifth wheel taken along in case someone else is a blow out I can stand in. I feel a lot of disconnect from humans. Sitting in a crowded room lonely. I look like the loner but truly I am not. While I am in that siuation I feel saddened or irritated. "Be somebody else!" I scream to myself. Sometimes I pul it off and I am included then later I regret being that person. I feel dirty, used, and drained. Being something or someone you are not is never a good idea in the long term. It brings about a fleeting moment of happiness on the superficial surface. An act that cannot be maintained. I know now that is not someone I can be and I don't feel good in those types of situations. I suppose this means I will Charlie Brown it until I figure out how to be OK with myself on this level.

I find myself daydreaming, as it is, about throwing off the shackles of humanity and tucking myself away in a cool mossy forest. A small rounded cottage with ivy smothering it. Not dealing with the overwhelming emotions of miserable humans. I honesty cannot stand to hear feel bad stories, woeful tales, and scary situations. I find myself sitting there gleaming with idle disgust as the storyteller blabs endlessly about dispair. I shut down. Become silent and wait out my sentence with horror of some peoples minds.

I am not a silent person. I like to talk. I like to bounce around ideas. I like to think deep. I want and need positive energy. I have been removing myself from those that do not have this. I am finding it quite lonely at times. But so worth it to my sanity.

Perhaps this this why I feel so Charlie Brown?