The Incredible Plastic Turd

What on earth is a Plastic Turd? This is what we called the turd we found in our toilet the other day. James had a friend over the other day, he went into the bathroom and then left sheepishly. I never heard the toilet flush. Not surprising, we have the equivalent of the 3 shells on the wall (watch Demolition Man) that no one can figure out how to flush. Being married to a plumber means you get all the weird gadgets. Anyhow, Todd (not his real name) left the bathroom acting strangely. I see this behavior from people walking to embarrassed to ask how to flush, but less embarrassed for me to find their turds and flush it for them later.

I gave it no more mind and went on with my kitchen duties. Later Sam came in the house. Todd had not been in the bathroom for hours and everybody else was using the one upstairs because it's too gross to flush someone else's turd down the toilet. As if it would jump out of there, oh never mind that HAS happened, anyhow, Todd was no longer there and Sam came in and saw the turd. He made a comment about people not flushing and proceeded to flush. He flushed again, then again. He came in and asked who's turd that was. We all said, Todd's turd.

Sam went back into the bathroom; flush, flush, flush. "This damn thing will not go down."

I looked at him as if lobsters were crawling out of his ears and walked into the bathroom looked in at the sunken turd. Completely whole. All toilet paper was gone. It was slick, thick, and long. It was not budging. I stood there and flush three times in a row. It remained. I shut the lid and said, "must be a plastic turd."

All night you could hear the sounds of flushing and comments of bewilderment.
The poop would not go down. Not only that it would not break down. The water would not break through it's plastic exterior.

Sam then came to me and asked if I remembered the night Todd's mom took us aside to ask us about plumbing. She asked if there was a special toilet she needed, or something for big stools. She was being very polite and careful about what she was trying to say. Now we know what she was trying to say, turds that will not go down, the Incredible, Indestructible Plastic Turd!!!! (did you hear the Duh duh Dumm drums)

What causes plastic turd syndrome? The typical American Diet, aka, S.A.D./Standard American Diet. This child eats processed chemical compounds that resemble edible substances. Cheese product in a can with hydrogenated fats in potato chips, cookies, pop, canned foods, and all the other non-real food. He would not even try my fried oats (a quick hot granola), would not even touch the real butter, and the hot baked bread that my kids were drooling over was snubbed too. He called his father, a nurse, and asked if he would come get him and take him to Dollar General for some snacks! No, real food was snubbed for highly prized artificial Jetson fodder.

Now, about that turd. We are now on day 2. It's been more than 24 hours since the deposit was made. I began to speculate about how I was going to get it to go down and what I came up with was this....

If cold water did not even make the color dissipate I doubted if hot water would be much help, but an acid was needed to "eat" through the "skin" of this thing. I grabbed what every woman since the time of immemorial has touted as a "life saver" VINEGAR.

I poured in several cups and waited a couple hours.

I then thought about what happens when baking soda hits vinegar. I then thought about denture cleaner. "will it work?"

I grabbed up the Costco size baking soda and dumped one cup into the toilet. The biggest shit volcano you have ever seen erupted. Just before it crested the bowl it died down and sunk. I flushed and then saw to my delight the plastic turd was gone! YAY!

We now have a new issue. Here it is 3 day into the turd issue and we now have a weird bluing going on everywhere the turd sat.

If this is not a wake up call to stop eating processed foods I don't know what will do it for you.

If this is what it does to a turd, what is it doing to your body?!!!

Food

I went to Whole Foods last week, I go every week, but never had I had someone say anything to me about the amount I was buying. Last week I did. The cashier saw my cart load and asked me if I was "stocking up" at first I glared at him. "No" I said, "I am just doing my weekly shopping." In what sounded like an accusing tone looked strangely at me and said, "This is a week?" pointing to my ALL my food going across the conveyor belt. I looked up and said, "Yes, I have boys." His face took on the "knowing" of what that meant. The man bagging said, "the best thing about having boys is they grow up and take YOU out to dinner and PAY!"

Then up walks James, taller than me now. In his low voice tells me what is going on. The boys took their money and bought junk food. The cart load was not enough.

After this exchange I began to keep mental notes during the week and thinking of past weeks and what I should have bought in the way of food. This is what is normal in our home with 3 growing boys and a husband. Now remember I have food allergies and I do not eat any dairy what so ever, I eat no white potatoes, and I do not eat the bacon (allergic tot he spices), many of the cereals(allergic to wheat and grapes, usually sweetened with grape juice). I do not eat anything with wheat.

Gone between Friday afternoon to Thursday night, the kids call Friday "Starve day":

2 to 3 gallons of milk
1 to 2 packages of ice cream
1 package of frozen fruit for a smoothie
2 pounds of bacon
3 dozen eggs
1 to 2 loaves of bread
1 box of crackers (Ritz type from Whole Foods)
1 to 2 blocks of cheese
1- 5lb bag of white potatoes
LOTS of fresh fruit (this can be anything from 6 apples, 1 bunch of grapes, 3 grapefruit, and 4 to 5 peaches in a week)
3 to 6 cans of Mandarin oranges (2 cans a piece)
3 heads or more of Romain lettuce
1 bottle or more of salad dressing
3 to 5 boxes of cereal (various kinds)
homemade popcorn once a week with added cheese powder
1 jar of salsa
2 bags of corn chips
1 sour cream tub
1 block of cream cheese
1 ham
1 package of cheesy wieners
1 small jar of peanut butter or 2 weeks on a large one

This is NOT including dinners. This is strictly the extras I buy to keep people happy. What is more amazing they are not fat. The two that eat the most are the skinniest. The youngest is a bean pole and laughs about seeing his ribs and he packs away a ton of food. He's 6 yrs old and up to my boobs, OK, past them. He's soooo tall. Last year in Kindergarten he was taller than many of the 3rd graders.

I buy myself my rice milk and my 1 box of cereal I eat for dessert, but today the 12 yr old James ate 2 bowls of it and finished it off for me. This is Monday! I have to go until Friday afternoon before I can restock.

The fruity cereal is gone.

The peaches are gone.

A gallon of milk is gone.

1 dozen eggs and 1/2lb bacon is gone.

1/2 the ham is gone.

The salad......you guessed it........GONE

A little of the salad dressing is left.

I hide some food because I KNOW they need it for lunch once a week for a class. Otherwise it is consumed in a flash.

I know what my Father meant when the last son was born and he laughed a sinister laugh and spoke these very words, "Someday your grocery bill will resemble the national debt. These boys will eat you out of house and home. Yep, boys are Grocery Hounds."

Was it a curse or premonition? You decide.........................

.........until next time......send me some money! LOL!