......how do I make stop?
That is my emotional state right now. One minute I am ok, positive, and thinking happy thoughts then BAM I am drowning in a puddle of my own tears and snot. Shaking and gasping for air in a room filled with the stuff. Who do you talk to? What do you say? I am not sure where to begin. I am a mess. My poor husband is in his own hell and I see the pain in his eyes when he looks at me. He sees my suffering and my grasping at a happy life with buttery hands. At some point the butter will wear off. The pain will fade to a small ache some where between the shoulder blades and life will roll along smoothly.
As for right now I am in a temporary bipolar state. I will survive.....I always do.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dreams
I heard something today about dreams. It was about how dreams are actually your un-lived life. If you fast all day and go to bed hungry you dream about food. if you suppress your sexual desire then you will certainly dream about sex. I started thinking this was true. Think about it. If you have sex before going to sleep you do not dream about sex. If you eat a big meal in the evening you do not dream of eating. Dreams are life suppressed. Life manifesting itself the best way it can to get you through your life you want or the life you loathe. The brain is doing the best it can to help you along your journey of life.
When I think about all the sex I had in my dreams, and the trips I went on, and all the great feelings from strangers I felt I think to myself I am suppressing a lot! When I think about all the scary nightmares I have had about my family*, the only time they show up in dreams, I think about how angry I am at them.
I feel sad now that I dream so richly. I use to think it was a gift, but now I wonder if it is not a gift but a sorrowful plea to the unknown to help me with my slavery and duty of this life.
I now must make a conscious effort to stay where I want to be. Do what I want to do. A live the way I want to live. I am not sure how to break the chains that bind and I know it will disturb some, greatly, but I know I must begin.
The first thing is to say yes to adopting. I have people, not my husband, in my family (near and far) asking me if I am sure. Asking why. Letting me know how they wouldn't do it. Their desire not to is their subconscious trying to talk me out of it so our needs match and so they can feel better about it.
I have for too long listened to my elders and I have found they don't know jack shit! How can these people help me when they cannot help themselves? I must find my strength and be strong and be steadfast . I mustn't waiver. Mustn't quiver. Mustn't back down. I must march on proud and strong and do as I damn well please!
*clarify here, when I say family I do not mean the children that I am angry
When I think about all the sex I had in my dreams, and the trips I went on, and all the great feelings from strangers I felt I think to myself I am suppressing a lot! When I think about all the scary nightmares I have had about my family*, the only time they show up in dreams, I think about how angry I am at them.
I feel sad now that I dream so richly. I use to think it was a gift, but now I wonder if it is not a gift but a sorrowful plea to the unknown to help me with my slavery and duty of this life.
I now must make a conscious effort to stay where I want to be. Do what I want to do. A live the way I want to live. I am not sure how to break the chains that bind and I know it will disturb some, greatly, but I know I must begin.
The first thing is to say yes to adopting. I have people, not my husband, in my family (near and far) asking me if I am sure. Asking why. Letting me know how they wouldn't do it. Their desire not to is their subconscious trying to talk me out of it so our needs match and so they can feel better about it.
I have for too long listened to my elders and I have found they don't know jack shit! How can these people help me when they cannot help themselves? I must find my strength and be strong and be steadfast . I mustn't waiver. Mustn't quiver. Mustn't back down. I must march on proud and strong and do as I damn well please!
*clarify here, when I say family I do not mean the children that I am angry
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)