Only Child Blues

Let me tell you, I am feeling the only child blues. Its hard enough with my mom gone as it is but add that to not having any brothers or sisters makes it even harder. I also have no one else to talk to or help me with my dad and his affairs. It is all on me. I knew this day was coming but I expected to be older and not have children still at home. I hoped my folks would begin to die when they were much older and not so young when my children were young. It didn't work out that way, now did it?

I really do feel alone in this. First the loss of Flint and now the loss of my mother. Saddness is a weak description for what I feel most of the time. I am noticing lately a sheer disrespect for everybody. Anger. Snarky. My tongue dripping with vemon and lashing out at even strangers on the street.

My beloved yard reflects my attitude, or lack there of, and so does my home. Sam would probably say the same for our sex life, that once HAD life prior to all the emotional hell I have been through.

I am, for the most part, a great actress. Water on a ducks back, that's me! That is the surface view. I look calm and relaxed and in control. I am actually feeling quite the opposite.

How long does it take to get over a failed adoption and death of a mother that happened within 6 months of each other?
I know everybody wants me to get over the baby and move on with my life and I know people that have not had a parent die don't understand but the fact remains I am terribly sad by both events.

I hear time heals.....I sometimes wonder if that is just some bullshit those people spread around to cover the fact they are still sad.



It is hard having a baby you took from the hospital taken from your arms 10 days later by the state and put into foster care and you don't know what happened to him. It is equally hard to watch your mother suffer a massive heart attack in front of you and you can do nothing but look her in the eye and she looks into yours and dies gasping for air.

I am feeling a little jaded and irked and snarky right now and quite honestly I need a big fucking relaxing and fun vacation!