Lately I have been thinking about the teen suicides involving gay teens that were being bullied at school, perhaps even with family (this we will never know) but we do know it was happening for sure at school.

I have waited this long to say anything because I needed to get my thoughts straight. I needed to be able to process this coherently without my emotional baggage splattering up the whole thing. There is nothing worse than muddled feelings and babbling rants. I will do my best to keep this to a minimum.

I was schooled publicly. I went through the system K-12. I survived. When I mean I survived I really mean SURVIVED. I felt like I was going into battle nearly everyday. I longed for sick days, holidays, vacations, summer break, weekends, and any other reason i could think of to get out of school. To say I loathed it would be an understatement. It was by far the worst time of my life and it was suppose to be my happiest. By the time I was in the third grade I had been punched, kicked, poked, hair pulled, clothes made fun of, snickered at, and school projects destroyed by boys and girls. And I was not being picked on because I was homosexual either. This was just plain old mean kids. Much of it happened on the bus, standing in line for something, or I was sought out on the play ground.

People would ask the question, "what did you do to deserve this?" I also heard, "well kids are mean" and my all time favorites, "They are just jealous!" and "He likes you and doesn't know how to tell you." How did I deserve being punched in the nose by a fourth grader when I was in the second grade after I turned around in my seat on the bus to tell him to stop pulling my hair? How was it my fault that a boy and girl team punched my repeatedly in the gut during the lunch line and when I said something I was the one that was put at the back of the line? How was it being jealous a justifiable reason to tear up my halloween costume, throwing me in the mud, or tearing up my school projects? This was my entire school life until I started off the school year in a new school illegally in the tenth grade. It was not great. I still had to deal with so called friends that found pleasure in starting rumors and lies for fun. I still had to deal with whispers, giggles, and snooty looks from the popular girls and snappy pissy ugliness from the jocks. I really didn't care at that point though. Life was infinitely more better than it ever was at my old school.  The physical bullying was replaced with snotty looks at for me that was way better than the alternative.

Why was I bullied? Not sure. It started out in K and progressively got worse as I got older with the same group of kids. I never could figure out why. I just knew that I wanted no part of it any longer. My mother had stopped me on one occasion from bringing my dad's brass knuckles to school to beat some of the kids up. I carried a knife with me at all times in junior high. I even used it in a fight once when a group of girls jumped me on the way home from school. I once ran home and ducked behind bushes on my way home because a girls older cousin from highschool was trying to run me over with her Jeep.
I could go on and on. The last straw was one girl picked on me from the time I got to school until I left. On and on she bad mouthed me, called me names and never stopped. I decided one day I was going to kill her. I grabbed her neck and would not let go. I don't remember anything except the terror and fear in her eyes and the thumping of my boiling blood in my veins. I was bent on killing her. Do you know what? Someone broke us up and then I was then labeled a homosexual because I would not let go of her.

I could not go back. I had had my fill of a school full of ignorant backward dumb asses. I don't remember the exact conversation but I remember being very clear with my mother that I was NOT going back.

Those were my formative years. It taught me a lot about human nature and to not like it. I still to this day carry a little hatred for humans. I don't have a lot of sympathy nor empathy towards humans. It wasn't all bad, I did have friends. But I never felt safe telling them what was going on because I had already told the adults in my life and they seemed unwilling to help. I didn't see how asking for help from kids was going to help. I also had a deep fear of looking weak. I became a master of disguises. I was tough. I eventually looked tough. I even looked butch. I was ready to kick ass and take names. I was no longer the person I wanted to be or the person I was but I was now a product of surviving bullying. It's still with me. I still have issues that linger from that time in my life. I am not trustful. I doubt peoples sincerity. I don't get too close. I keep my distance even if I want more from a relationship. I do not want to be hurt. I don't call people, I do not plan things, I keep to myself. Not me, but it is safer that way. I am working on this and it is a challenge bigger than giving up cigarettes.

I am thankful that school is over. I am thankful my kids do not have to be put through that. I am thankful I went to a new school and met new people that were nice. I have a wish as well. A wish that children would not have to endure being teased. Being called "nigger lover" and pushed and shoved around because they befriended the only black girl in school. I have a wish that a homosexual child or a perceived homosexual child can be themselves without fear of being tortured with fists, words, or destruction of property. I wish kids could go to school and get an education without the fear of being hurt, period. We need to change as a society. Listen to those kids. Stop the excuses, stop the confusing "don't tattle" phrase. Stop the abuse at home that causes kids to act out. Stop the neglect of kids begging for help.

DO SOMETHING! Don't just sit there. I am doing something. I homeschool. I tried schools and ALL have bullying. In the "real" world it's called harassment and you lose your job. In the "real" world you go to jail. Don't use the argument on me that my children need to learn how to deal with this at school to be ready for the "real" world. In the "real" world you get in trouble and you know it. In school it's over looked and we have kids killing themselves because the parents want them to toughen up and deal with it. The others toughen up and shut down, become violent, or do drugs, or abuse themselves in some other way. Is that what you want your child feeling and becoming?

I feel a little bit broken right now. I am in want of an imaginary bottle of crazy glue. Little dab will do ya and make it all better glue.

The real issue here is not the fact I feel broken but the fact that I have no wounds to show nor do i have a story to tell. I just feel defeated and broken for no good reason.

A gray solitary funk. As if the ill feelings were somehow delivered to the wrong person and somewhere out there someone set in a bad way is feeling strangely out of place with good feelings and peace. Perhaps they need it more than I, but I would really like to have them back. i ordered those feelings. Not the misshaped and ill fitted feelings I have now.

Oh sweet smile, where did you run off to? Joyous laugh, where did I set you? Under the rug? Behind the refrigerator? Did I unknowingly throw you out? Oh dear, I do hope not.

Please, please, do come back. I miss you so!

It was here a minute ago....

I had a thought and it slipped away like an important piece of paper, with that  hot chic's number on it that you were going to call tomorrow, in the wind; gone forever.

I suppose I have nothing of real importance to offer up to the world at large. I have nothing of humorous value. Not a shed of evidence to prove or disprove global climate change. Nothing on the dangers or safety of vaccines. I have nothing to say at all really. Yet I sit here and type. Why? Because I went to a writers convention and they said to WRITE! Write, write, write, and then write some more. Do this until your fingers fall off and your brain looks to be the size of a peanut; cut in half. Then write some more DAMN IT! Ok, they were not that harsh. I think the author said twice, "write and then write some more, even if you think you have nothing to write about." I thought my perception on the whole thing was way more persuasive. You really felt the need to write, right? Lie, will ya? Make me feel better!

I am not against people lying to me to make me feel better. I have had enough of the truth to "set me free" and let me tell you that freedom sucks! I would they rather tell me they love me to get into my pants than to say, "yeah, I am horny and you are the only hole around so I wanna poke it."  Not that I have had that opportunity much in my life. I always wonder if I am worth the trouble for the tumble. I shouldn't complain. Sam still finds me groovy and that says a lot, because that is a man that will not under any circumstances LIE to get what he wants. He will point blank tell you to your face what he wants and not sugar coat it. IF he sugar coats it then he is being honest to the core. Which is pretty hot. Yet, sometimes it makes me hot in another way as well. You know that kind of hot. The kind you are sweating and you have not done anything and if you do the cops will be dispatched to your house. Yeah, that's the kind of hot I am talking about.

What do you expect? We are both, BOTH, Aries. There is enough fire in this house to melt the poles in an hour! Did I mention my oldest son is also an Aries! Woo-wee. When we argue you better watch the fuck out because we will take you down! My other sons are mild mannered and quite gentle beings... Cancer and Gemini; NOT! The Cancer is very calm, gentle, and reserved then out of NO WHERE he reaches his pincher out and like a pit bull on meth, he will not, I repeat, will NOT let go. The whole time he is screeching and yelling. Then he let's go because eventually he wants to go back to being alone more than he wants to be stuck on you with his pincher and whimpers off down the hall. The Gemini, well what can I say? He IS a Gemini twin for sure. I think Satan is his twin but thankfully he is more of an imp influence and not the full blown devil. He has that other side of his twin (an angel of questionable value) standing by reminding him that if he doesn't do something too bad, then it will only be viewed as an annoyance and he can get off the hook relatively easy. His Imp has decided that pinching, pulling hair, smacking butts, and saying "CHICKEN BUTT" whenever someone says "what?" is fun. We have deemed this evil and unacceptable behavior and have tried exorcism with kisses, only to find out he, the Imp,  LIKES THAT!

I could have saved myself the headache and married a clean freak Virgo and I could relax some knowing his OCD-ness would keep the house clean. I could have done worse by marrying a freedom loving and daydreaming Aquarius, or worse the Libra man that cannot make up his mind. Those are the commitment-phobes you hear about.

I have written enough. I need to go to bed and get going in a few hours. My well has run dry. Quite a bit for someone with nothing to say.

weird thought

The other day I thought when I was a kid the other kids would say I would die from something strange and weird. Die from something other people don't die off. When I remembered this I laughed because at the time I would have agreed with them. I was infamous for getting weird strange ailments. I was sick all the time. I had the hardest time feeling and beingwell. It has only been in the last 5 years I started to feel like I think people should feel like. I am not achy, sick, tired, and miserable. I know it is because I have changed the way I eat. I threw out the fast food, the pop, candy, and grocery store prepackaged foods. I ditched trans-fats and HFCS. I went and had allergy testing done and discovered that my current healthy diet was not exactly healthy for ME! I got rid of wheat and cow dairy, forever, and watch myself closely with others. I am rarely sick. The occassional sniffle, scratchy throat, and run down. But I don't get the "omg take me to the hospital" sickies!

This is not the case with MANY of my FB pals my age. They are having surgeries, taking lots of meds, complications, side effects, and many many trips to Dr appointments and ER visits! They are ALWAYS sick!

I laughed about how they thought I will die of some strange unexplained reason. I laughed because I know now what that will be, OLD AGE! Won't I be the weird one to actually die from getting old. LOL

in some peoples eyes.....

In some peoples eyes I am a bonafide bitch, heartless, and cold. I don't think so. I just refuses to play games or be part of all the pettiness people throw out there. I know people go through rough patches. It is how they deal with those rough patches I have issues with. Its how they keep digging around in a sore to find more infection or get some going. It is the constant whiners and belly-achers. The me-me-me people. The "ain't it aweful" folks that really chap my hide.

Today I looked though someprofiles of people I have hid from my feed. When I read their post for today or one of those "likes" they had clicked I rolled my eyes and remember why I hid them. Its one thing to get depressed realize you are such and do your best to get out of the slump. These people make a fucking career of being miserable. Boo-hoo about this and boo-hoo about that. I cringe everytime I read posts like this from the same people, day in and day out.
Is your life that fucking hard?

Did you eat today? Did you have a toilet?Are you homeless? Are you breathing well enough to walk around the yard, do jumping jacks, fly a kite? Then what are you complaining about? You got it good!


I have no compassion when you complain about petty shit. So what your dog ate your TV guide or the crotch from your panties. Who gives a flying fuck you have a wart on your finger. Who cares if you have a cavity. These are not things to fret over. We all have something petty to bitch about. Yeah sometimes you get frustrated but EVERYDAY? Give me and the world a break. Shut up until you can find something to say about your life you like. Like "my cat actually used the litter box."

Life is too short for you daily bullshit. I have decided to hide you.