A journey to wholeness

Life experiences have a way of making or breaking you. I've decided that breaking is bad for me and I'm going to go with making.

I felt like a jagged stone thrown into a tumbler. I've been banging around for years, and I mean years.

I've dealt with bullying, back stabbing "friends", lying people, angry mother, sick mother, dying mother, and then dead mother. Sick grandma to the dead grandma. Depression, crippling depression. Addictions. Friendless, anger, jealousy, loneliness, and much of this in a solitary state.

Husband was in the navy and I was alone raising our son. My only friends were a coke head with mental issues and a drug dealer that hated my druggy friend.

When I moved back home my friends had all moved on and I was now alone raising 2 kids then 3 while my husband continue to carry on as if he was still in the navy, never home.

Life seemed to be one pile of shit after another. The tipping point was the failed adoption and the dead mother few months later.

At first I feel into a deep depression. Sucked into a miserable state of mind. Again,  practically friendless. One friend in California texted me every day. Just to day hello and tell me about her weather, her kids, her daycare job, and about anything else. She asked about my Dad and talked about my mom.

Another friend invited me to his meditation group. Another to a drum circle. Another for drinks.

It has been a year and one month since my mom died and Flint, the baby I named and couldn't keep, will be 2 in December.

I've made a lot of changes. I'm exercising again, dancing around, laughing, and painting. I'm starting yoga teacher training in September and Buddhist College in October. I'm learning how to hula hoop. I visited that friend in California in June. I signed my kids up with virtual school to take some pressure off me.

Life is finally, going into my 4th decade, getting to be something fun and something to look forward too.

I'm healthier in mind, body, and spirit. I'm making great friends and learning new and exciting things.

My relationship with my husband has matured and is easing into something firm and real.

Life is getting better. It's transforming. With that I'm going to let go of this blog and begin anew.

If you read this and know me contact me and I will send you to my new blog when I get it up and running.

With love and thanks for those people that stayed with me as I stumbled around.

Walking around the corners of my mind

Today I thought of all the impossible stuff. The stuff you giggle about to yourself. Like having pointy fairy ears that magic would pop out the tips.

I like to think we all think impossible dreams and some not so impossible dreams, but they give the illusion of impossibility.

I have funny little day dreams. Swirling fog, Hobbit houses, green ivy, moist bogs. I wish I could even have my own Bogert for protection from the nymphs.

Magical impossible dreams. Why do I waste time thinking about something I can not have?

I sometimes feel completely detached from the reality of this realm.

Lovely sunny warm days in a wildflower meadow making love to my lover on a soft blanket near a babbling brook...all on my head.

Waiting for reality to catch up with my thoughts.

Shhhh...

Sitting on my front porch. Ninety-one degrees and it feels cool. Breeze blowing, bugs chirping, highway humming in the distance. Everything, except the highway, is enjoyable.

I'm not alone though. My husband is here. He is asleep. He left work early because he needed to gather his senses. I've witnessed him sleeping three times since coming home. It's difficult to talk to someone that yawns and goes to sleep at the drop of a hat.

We were trying to discuss our new future. A future where we need to find ourselves. We never really did that. We got married at 18, 19 owned a house, and 3 days (7 days for him) before my (our) 21st birthday we had our first son. Sixteen years and three kids later, our youngest is 10 years old.

Our children are very independent and are needing us less and less in there lives. Which is fine, for them, but we are lost and know not what to do. My husband and I ate on the same page. He said he use to come home and did stuff with the kids. Now he just comes home and they barely notice. The boys ask me when I'm going on another vacation without them.

Our lives have changed and we are scrambling to fill in the holes that are gaping and empty from the hatchings attempting to leave the nest.

We use to joke that divorced people had it great; built in babysitters every other week. Now we realize that they also found ways to live their lives without kids during those times and we don't have those skills.

I wish I had a genie; a lamp to rub. I want to make three wishes....

.....but what to wish for?

We need to talk...

.....Famous last words to a perfectly good day.

I've been having these types of conversations with loved ones lately. My desires and wishes and needs are not being met. I decided I needed to let those people around me that I was unhappy and I expected change.

Change is inevitable; it happens. I want it to happen in a positive loving manner.

My life; inner and outer feels chaotic and  in turmoil. Nightmares, disconnect with loved ones, and armed to the gills with satanic slurs. My feelings of frustration is real. I am disgusted with how I'm being treated. I'm working on finding and being myself.

I've been really calm with this. I've been really sincere. I'm not playing games. I just need people to realize I am not a piece of stone that doesn't feel. I'm not a doormat. I'm not an idiot, piece of trash, or worthless heap.

If you find me going into seclusion then I'm probably avoiding your drama.

In the silence of sadness

Just as my life seems to be getting better. The clenching hold of sadness is beginning to release; my Dad throws down a bomb, ever so quietly.

My Dad was sharing what he was watching on TV and said, "There was this doctor on the other night and said if you don't have a purpose in life then your heart will stop beating. I was thinking I don't really have a purpose since you're mom died. It's very quiet here now and boring. I don't have anybody that needs me."

I held back my overwhelming sadness hearing this and said, "I need you Dad. The boys need you. Your 4 dogs and cat need you. You just need to find something to do."

I've talked to him about getting a hobby, going to a mens group, and even doing stuff with us as a family. Every time an excuse, every time he says no.

I can't make him do anything. He has to want it. I can only make suggestions and offer to help, by staying with his dogs.

My fear of my Dad giving up is real, now. He refuses to meet people; male or female. He refuses to go places or do things with me or any one else. He refuses to be social, period. He is sitting there bored and it sounds like letting death creep in because of loneliness.

It fills me with great sadness, a silent sadness, that I might have to go through this whole dying parent thing, again, sooner rather than later.
I feel really helpless and alone in this. My mother would be furious with him right now. That's the problem, she's not here to be furious and it's not my place to bully my father. I can only offer and wait for him to take my hand.

Change

Change. It thunders through your soul. It slices through your heart. It weakens your logic and strengthens your fears. Change laughs in your face because it knows you cannot stop it. Shiver. Cry. Whimper. Die a little. Its always there, lurking behind fence posts and dodging behind the curtains. Change is like rain; you want it but not today. It soaks you when you only wanted a sprinkle. Change makes the rules, not you!

I only have one request, Change, can you make sure its an easy ride and its fun for all? I can take on change when I know the end result is happy fun joy!
Until I get an answer,Change, I will work on managing my panic attacks, thanks.