Girls night never

My husband is going on a trip here soon with other folks for a getaway. I keep forgetting the date and he said I had a mental block about it. I said of course I did because I need a getaway too. He told me to go have one. I then went though the same spiel again as I always do. I told him I really only have two friends I can ask these days. One is broke and bitchy and the other always has to bring her kids and can't stay long because her husband's life is so much more important than hers. 

My husband told me to go out and find new people. He said something about going out and meeting people and change my life, blah, blah, blah. Easy for him to say. It's different for men. Men can get away. Women can't or won't. I knew women that their husband were fine with getaway trips and they wouldn't do it because they needed to spend time with their husbands; like watching the news or something lame like that. Other women can't go because the man makes such a fuss they decide keeping the peace is more important at that moment in their lives. Not all men are as liberal and undemanding as my husband. For some reason he can't seem to understand that. We go over this a lot. 

The other issue is that I meet women that would go do these things and I don't like them enough to go away for a weekend with them. You can't make relationships click. They either do or don't. The next issue is money. Many women simply can't afford it or husbands don't let them have the money. 

I so badly want to go on a getaway. It's not from a lack of trying. Hell, I strike up conversations with strangers in the grocery store.* It's not like I don't attempt to make connections. I just find it really difficult being a woman and doing so. It seems effortless for my husband to make friends and then go away for a weekend year after year. Meanwhile, I trudge along. 

*husband said I should take a grocery store stranger with me

Extended family

I got an instant message from my great aunt this morning. The same ne that said she was going to hide me n Facebook because I curse. She said " hello " and I said "hi" and the next thing she said blew me away. She first went in about her Candy Crush game and how she was only testing to see if chat worked and then said, " because I knew if I didn't screw it up you would answer me." 

I didn't ask for details. I just told her I didn't know what she was talking about because I've never played Candy Crush. It almost felt like she was implying I'm touchy. Maybe? I don't know. Why would you say, " if I didn't screw this up." Does she think I'm that touchy? I've never bit her head off. I've never told her she is wrong. Nothing. I've always been nice to her. Even when she told me I was vulgar and that she didn't like seeing that. I even helped her by telling her how she could hide me so she wouldn't see my posts without de-friending me. I'm always helpful and kind to her. 

Yes, I curse. Yes, I tend to be vulgar. No, this does not mean I'm a vicious satanic mental patient on the edge and angry all the time. I do get angry, yes, but who doesn't? I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be. I think might be the issue. I don't pretend to be perfect. I don't attend church. I don't watch my Ps and Qs. I curse. End of story. I curse. Clearly I have sinned and must be ignored by my family forever. 

The problem with my family is if I was a man this wouldn't even be an issue. 

I've struggled my whole life with being myself and my family being what they want. My mom did her best to shield me from their disapproval but she is not here and I am adult now. My mother never told me I shouldn't be me. She encouraged it. She told me the story of how in church she was deemed a slut because of her clothing. She was told to dress like SoinSo, more lady like and proper. My mother, the virgin, was judged on her clothing and it colored her opinion of church people after that. What happened to old SoinSo? Oh, she ended up an unwed teenage mother. That story has stuck with me always. I think of it every time someone wants to tell me to be proper. " fuck you and your proper behavior." Our country was not founded on proper behavior. 

I wouldn't say I'm a rebel. I don't act a certain way to get attention. I just want to be accepted for being me. It's that simple. I'm not going to change because you dislike my style. 

Perhaps I'm reading something that is not there in what my aunt said but all I know is that since my mother died the family has dropped me like a hot potato. I've even sent emails and get zero reply. Imagine what would happen if I said, "I'm gay and my partner is black!" 

 

Sleeping arrangements

It's 4am and my husband is next to me snoring. He ate something garlicky and his breath has been giving me a headache all night. It is at these moments I long for my own room and my own bed. Every night I beg him to turn the other way because he snore ore n his left side, plus the sound is closer to my ears.

My nightly ritual is my silent hell. 

Now I wait to get sleepy again. Which is usually after he goes to work. He wonders why I sleep in some mornings. Well....

It sounds so hateful to say, "because your breath was making me sick and your snores kept me awake. I finally got a deep rem sleep with you at work." 

Waiting for sleep

dyslexic?

I've been reading(bout dyslexia lately. See, many years ago I listened to my mother in law about how everyone was dyslexic and until you learned how to read you remained dyslexic. I've since realized she was wrong. So very wrong. Problem is I can't get my husband to stop the belief that was placed in his mind by his mother. This doesn't help the situation I'm in.

It's taken almost 20 years after highschool to realize I'm not like others. I struggle with regular life. I can't get a job. I can't fill out the application well enough. I don't have the degree, I dint have the degree because I can't handle the stress. I can't handle the stress because I can't keep up. I can't keep up because I either dint understand it or I'm so slow. I get distracted, etc...

Tonight I looked up dyslexia symptoms in adults.holy smokes I hit several in every freaking category. It's no wonder people don't think I'm intelligent enough to wait tables our answer the phone. Sigh.

These were some of the red flags that came up the plague me daily.

Mixing sequences ( I mix up phone numbers and addresses all the time)
Trouble telling time on analog clocks (ok, it's out, I can't tell time unless I sit with the clock a very long time and out works better if I can touch it. Wall clocks are so so so hard)
Trouble pronouncing words. (Think Elmer Fudd...I skip words  that I have trouble with and use easier words. This is why writing is best for me)
Writing is best for me but I scratch pour thoughts and my paper looks like a mess within a couple minutes I also forget words. I'm thinking them but they don't appear. When I read it back I read as if the missing words are there. I don't notice they are missing.  my other issue is the fact I write what I hear and forget my own thoughts. I need complete silence.

There were others. I hit several in each category.
I felt very sad looking down at that list. I had no idea dyslexia was so extensive.

I don't feel dumb. I am in shock. I feel helpless. It makes since though.

The question is "now what?" I still study grammar and teach it to my kids but I can't retain no more than a quarter of it. :-\
I can teach how to tell time but I can't do it myself.
I can't take down a phone number or money amount because I would get it wrong.

I really don't know what to do. :-(

Livin' la vida loca

Lately I've been extremely busy.  Float trips, never ending sleepovers, daily pool trips, constant trips to here and there and everywhere. Visiting family, keeping up with regularly scheduled plans, etc... My house resembles a frat house. A box of glass that hasn't made its way to the purple recycle bin, nieces with squeals and screams, ruckus and mayhem from water balloons, air ballon popping, finger snaps, and fireworks. Food running out, money running, sanity running out; I'm just flowing along and realized I wasn't enjoying myself I was just numbing and carrying on. It's stressful not able to find your counters, all the dishes and towels are dirty, the jar of peanut butter is half gone within 3 hours of purchase... It's enough to go completely bonkers. I've not done that. I'm chillin' and relaxin' and running and functioning and I don't know how. 

I was looking forward to the weekend to relax. Nieces have gone back to grandmas, my sons friend will be back with his family, and then my husband says, " let's go camping."  Oh! for crying out loud! 

That is still up in the air. What I want to do it relax and paint and do some crochet for the hell of it. 

Only time will tell what  we are going to do.