At times it hurts not to be like everybody else. I couldn't try if I wanted because I honestly don't know how I'm different enough not to fit until I start talking to someone. At some point in the conversation I've discovered we've not been talking about the same things. My brain interprets life differently. I know this now. Having this knowledge doesn't help me at all. Just being aware isn't enough. It bothers me. I don't know how to make friends, how to have "normal" conversations, or how to understand people at times. I know it's dyslexia, for the most part, but the rest is my interests in life and the lack of career. Not to mention I'm very guarded. I was bullied in school, badly. I was bullied in the family, got to love asshole cousins and grandparents that think he can do no wrong and thinking I was lying. Flip side, I was treated like a baby for years past actually being a baby. I don't have many find happy childhood memories. There was always fighting. Fighting at home, cousins fighting me, extended family fighting, fighting at school; fighting never seemed to cease. Add on to the fact I was a daydreamer. My thoughts drifted away upon someone speaking. I became hypnotized by people talking. I can't focus on spoken words. I hear cadence, tone, feeling, and accent. I am swooned by perfect voices, not their words but their essence. I like the noise of spoken words but I don't gather much in the way of content. This makes being with people hard. My responses are based of something I thought they said and, well, this makes people think I'm weird.
I'm half way to 40. Life isn't easier now than it was when I was a kid. Oh, sure, less fighting. Fewer bullies in my life. I don't talk to my cousin anymore, by the way he is still an asshole too much of the time.
I have no point to this blog, never really are points, I'm afraid. I just hate being the odd duck all the time. I can't look at someone young and in my position and say, "it gets better." It doesn't really get better it just only gets different. I'm still the same person. The same awkward person that would like to fit in but doesn't have the ability to fit in. This polyhedron would really like to find other polyhedrons to hang out with while we talk about that chink in the wall.
