just the way you are....

Actually the title should read, "Just the way I am." I thought the song title was catch-y.
How am I? Mostly depressed. I realized this today as nothing sounded fun and I didn't want to do anything about it. I wasn't that excitied about going to UnProm and was wanting to go home all evening!

I spend considerably large amounts of my time in my head, thinking about my mom's death and the saddness. I never really felt like I was allowed to grieve. Two days after she died I was at a water park for my son's birthday and the next week 4th of July and my son then breaking his collar bone. That was hectic with doctor appointments and such. Then homeschool groups, teen group, lessons, LIFE. I never had time for me.

I am really feeling it right now. My husband is about to leave home on and off for 8 days to 2 different places. Meanwhile, I will be at home with surly kids, laundry, dishes, driver, chef, etc... not to mention no adult to talk to.

I can't say I am excited. If anything I feel really pissed off. When do I get a time off? When do I get hang out with the girls time for 4 days straight? When do I get trips to Chicago?

Nope, as if I wasn't already feeling low I then get slapped with this! Oh Jolly fucking ho ho!

A good thing....

Took my kids to Ren Fest today. Friend had connections and we got in free. We had fun. Still jam packed with freaks but also met some interesting people and had a couple interesting conversations. One ended with information about classes being offered after Ren Fest is over.

It is a non-profit group that is working to keep the old ancient arts still alive. Blacksmithing, woodworking, fiber arts, etc...
I am going to look into taking some of the classes. Going to see how much it would be for myself and the kids. Now that is what I call. Great school!

We can't see our own selfishness...

Don't think I don't wonder how I present myself to the world when I feel angry with someone else. I do. I think to myself, "do I do that? And when? How?" I do stop and think it over. I really do my best to treat others the way I want to be treated. Karma! I want what I give to come back and I make sure what ai give is something I want back. Now sometimes I forget the golden rule but I make an effort not to let that become a habit.

What I am noticing is that it doesn't seem to work. I help people and I get no help back when I ask for it. I bite my tongue and say nothing only to get rude slurs thrown into my face.

I think the golden rule benefits the people getting treated well and they have no idea I am being nice and letting them off the hook.

Now I understand bitchy women. They have been kicked around sooo long that they say, "the hell with it." And fight back.

Last night I made an observation (not in a snooty way) about how my husband should go look at the neighbors garage because it was so well organized. Women say things like this to each other all the time and my husband says things like this to me all the time. I got, "KISS MY ASS!" And my father in law remarked, "She's been hanging out with J to long."
I was so hurt. What did I do to deserve that? My husband later thought it was funny and laughed and laughed and said it was only my PMS.

I hate how men cut down women, treat them poorly, ignore them and other insensitive things and when we get upset they blame our hormones! Meanwhile that rest of the month I was biting my tongue and being civil and saying things like, "I thought what you said was mean." And I am now just a hormonal bitch.

So much for Karma and doing the right thing and hoping for the best.

I see now there is no hope and no best and I am just going to stick to my guns and be a hormonal bitch ALL the TIME!

Porch swing stories...

If my porch swing could speak it would have so many stories to tell. It has witnessed messy art projects, woodworking, saddness, sickness, depression, lonliness, funny stories, pirate songs, kids play, nap times, science experiments, and more. It has been here through it all.

This porch and porch swing are my best friends. No matter how I feel I feel better out here. I am shaded, rocked, and sometimes sunned. I feel a breeze and sheltered from the rain. I bring projects out here, I have read books to myself and the kids out here. I have made love out here and watched the moon out here. I paint and sand out here. I laugh out here and cry out here. This is my open air hide-a-way tucked right into the side of the house.

If I am ever so blessed to build a house to be the way I want it I will make sure to include not one porch but many! It would be nice to follow the sun from east to west and feel the warmth of winter in an enclosed porch on the south and have an open cool porch to the north.

Oh I love my porch swing so much I burnt my lunch!

Change is in the air....

I need positive change. I have been recieveing negative change long enough. Today the wake up call for change came dramatically, again. My cousin's father in law drowned in TN this morning when his fishing boat flipped over in the water. That was it. They recovered the body 40 minutes later and was unable to revive him.

This first rattled my cage and I felt scared and worried. I then realized I needed to change my life for the betterment of my health and for my children. I also need to start living and stop fretting and fussing!

I have decided to exercise more, eat less, do yoga for mental health, and listen to my needs. Stop letting my family, culture, my husband, and/or friends try to sway and stop me!

Humpty Dumpty....

I have fallen from the wall and I am all cracked up and no one seems to notice. I tell passerbys and wenches and even the kings horsemen and they all ignore me. Instead I have jesters come by to poke fun and try to "cheer" me up with folly and games of the obnoxious nature.

I understand they are doing their best to help with humor but what I really need is some glue. I need someone to help me hold the pieces together as I apply such glue.

In our culture though people just walk by and pretend you are not there. If they do acknowledge you they do so with a nod or more jestering.

Meanwhile the mice are running off with my shell to make walls for their castles.