Lately I have been thinking about the teen suicides involving gay teens that were being bullied at school, perhaps even with family (this we will never know) but we do know it was happening for sure at school.
I have waited this long to say anything because I needed to get my thoughts straight. I needed to be able to process this coherently without my emotional baggage splattering up the whole thing. There is nothing worse than muddled feelings and babbling rants. I will do my best to keep this to a minimum.
I was schooled publicly. I went through the system K-12. I survived. When I mean I survived I really mean SURVIVED. I felt like I was going into battle nearly everyday. I longed for sick days, holidays, vacations, summer break, weekends, and any other reason i could think of to get out of school. To say I loathed it would be an understatement. It was by far the worst time of my life and it was suppose to be my happiest. By the time I was in the third grade I had been punched, kicked, poked, hair pulled, clothes made fun of, snickered at, and school projects destroyed by boys and girls. And I was not being picked on because I was homosexual either. This was just plain old mean kids. Much of it happened on the bus, standing in line for something, or I was sought out on the play ground.
People would ask the question, "what did you do to deserve this?" I also heard, "well kids are mean" and my all time favorites, "They are just jealous!" and "He likes you and doesn't know how to tell you." How did I deserve being punched in the nose by a fourth grader when I was in the second grade after I turned around in my seat on the bus to tell him to stop pulling my hair? How was it my fault that a boy and girl team punched my repeatedly in the gut during the lunch line and when I said something I was the one that was put at the back of the line? How was it being jealous a justifiable reason to tear up my halloween costume, throwing me in the mud, or tearing up my school projects? This was my entire school life until I started off the school year in a new school illegally in the tenth grade. It was not great. I still had to deal with so called friends that found pleasure in starting rumors and lies for fun. I still had to deal with whispers, giggles, and snooty looks from the popular girls and snappy pissy ugliness from the jocks. I really didn't care at that point though. Life was infinitely more better than it ever was at my old school. The physical bullying was replaced with snotty looks at for me that was way better than the alternative.
Why was I bullied? Not sure. It started out in K and progressively got worse as I got older with the same group of kids. I never could figure out why. I just knew that I wanted no part of it any longer. My mother had stopped me on one occasion from bringing my dad's brass knuckles to school to beat some of the kids up. I carried a knife with me at all times in junior high. I even used it in a fight once when a group of girls jumped me on the way home from school. I once ran home and ducked behind bushes on my way home because a girls older cousin from highschool was trying to run me over with her Jeep.
I could go on and on. The last straw was one girl picked on me from the time I got to school until I left. On and on she bad mouthed me, called me names and never stopped. I decided one day I was going to kill her. I grabbed her neck and would not let go. I don't remember anything except the terror and fear in her eyes and the thumping of my boiling blood in my veins. I was bent on killing her. Do you know what? Someone broke us up and then I was then labeled a homosexual because I would not let go of her.
I could not go back. I had had my fill of a school full of ignorant backward dumb asses. I don't remember the exact conversation but I remember being very clear with my mother that I was NOT going back.
Those were my formative years. It taught me a lot about human nature and to not like it. I still to this day carry a little hatred for humans. I don't have a lot of sympathy nor empathy towards humans. It wasn't all bad, I did have friends. But I never felt safe telling them what was going on because I had already told the adults in my life and they seemed unwilling to help. I didn't see how asking for help from kids was going to help. I also had a deep fear of looking weak. I became a master of disguises. I was tough. I eventually looked tough. I even looked butch. I was ready to kick ass and take names. I was no longer the person I wanted to be or the person I was but I was now a product of surviving bullying. It's still with me. I still have issues that linger from that time in my life. I am not trustful. I doubt peoples sincerity. I don't get too close. I keep my distance even if I want more from a relationship. I do not want to be hurt. I don't call people, I do not plan things, I keep to myself. Not me, but it is safer that way. I am working on this and it is a challenge bigger than giving up cigarettes.
I am thankful that school is over. I am thankful my kids do not have to be put through that. I am thankful I went to a new school and met new people that were nice. I have a wish as well. A wish that children would not have to endure being teased. Being called "nigger lover" and pushed and shoved around because they befriended the only black girl in school. I have a wish that a homosexual child or a perceived homosexual child can be themselves without fear of being tortured with fists, words, or destruction of property. I wish kids could go to school and get an education without the fear of being hurt, period. We need to change as a society. Listen to those kids. Stop the excuses, stop the confusing "don't tattle" phrase. Stop the abuse at home that causes kids to act out. Stop the neglect of kids begging for help.
DO SOMETHING! Don't just sit there. I am doing something. I homeschool. I tried schools and ALL have bullying. In the "real" world it's called harassment and you lose your job. In the "real" world you go to jail. Don't use the argument on me that my children need to learn how to deal with this at school to be ready for the "real" world. In the "real" world you get in trouble and you know it. In school it's over looked and we have kids killing themselves because the parents want them to toughen up and deal with it. The others toughen up and shut down, become violent, or do drugs, or abuse themselves in some other way. Is that what you want your child feeling and becoming?
5 comments:
When I was in grade school, there was one girl whom everyone picked on. There was no reason for it. For some reason, she was the target -- our target. Sometimes a little. Sometimes a lot. The summer before my fifth grade year I wrote her a letter and told her I was sorry for the way people treated her and that I would never be mean to her again. We became friends, and I learned what it was like to be on the other side of being bullied. I never experienced anything like you did, but my "friends" to this day will still make fun of me for befriending that girl.
As an adult, I am amazed that there are still adults who think that being a bully is okay. I don't understand how they can not see the cruelty in their own laughter or even the simple social ganging up that people do to get their way or to manipulate people. It does no good to tell kids not to do it when the adults of this world model the behavior. It may not be as immature or obvious, but the behavior remains the same.
I read these words about you and then think of your smile and your laughter. I don't know if you maintained these or managed to gain them later, but you are an amazing woman. I am very glad to know you and call you friend.
Thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel less alone. YOU are not alone. There are probably a lot of us bullying survivors out here.
They started bullying me in the second grade, when I moved to a new state. A funny accent? Just "the new kid"? From a different regional culture? Who knows?
It wasn't as violent as yours, but it continued through 2 cross-country moves because my younger sisters were always quick to let the new school know how to tease me.
I have to disagree about "the real world". I was bullied in my church--a supposed pacifist denomination. I am still being bullied in the workplace. It can be subtle and vicious and impossible to document. I am "just too sensitive" and "taking things too personally" and no one is willing to connect the dots to see the patterns, because then the bullies will harass them, too.
Bless you for homeschooling your children.
P.S. Tracy--One girl wrote and apologized to me about 20 years later, when her son was getting bullied in high school and she saw the other side of how she and her friends had treated me. Bless you for apologizing to your friend.
N and T- Yes, bullying happens all the time. Are my children immune to it because we homeschool? NO. My son has been teased walking downtown in Lawrence. Sometimes by ADULTS! Kids learn to be bullies from other kids, yes, but they usually learn it at home first.
Being teased for religion, Natalya, is just as bad as being teased for not having one.
The positive side to being an adult is you ARE better equipped at that point to shrug it off there and then talk to someone later. But if it is violence then it is dealt with. In schools the violence is overlooked far to often because it is just pulling hair etc...
Not sure what the answer is but we as a society relish and thrive in knocking someone down to make us feel better. Just take a good hard look at our government. Always out to "save the world" and stop communism and so forth.
We just couldn't help them to reform their own way we had to squash it and make us feel better about taking it down!!
I don't know what the answer is in reality. I just know we are now at a point where kids join gangs to keep from being bullied, other kids go into schools to kill other kids and teachers that ignored their pain, adults that abuse drugs and alcohol and other people to cope miserably, and the rest are on pharmaceutical drugs.
Nobody has ever apologized. I would be surprised if they ever did. I befriended some on FB to see what they would say. Yes, I am bold like that now. I know they are older and have kids now and I am sure karma will catch up. As will their memory. What they do with it, I am not sure.
I am not totally blameless either. I did tease a couple times myself. I didn't feel good doing it so I stopped. I saw how the girl looked sad. I can't remember her name. She just wanted to eat salad and that was BAD because we all ate junk food. Junk food was cool :P
The violence is what bothers me. After watching Raising Cain and hearing how our prisons are filling up with women more and more each year from violent acts. It begs me to ask how can we change?
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