Anger

Yesterday was a very angry day. I even had energy work done and I still felt angry. I went to the store and was angry. I was a rager for sure. I have been thinking about what the cause was and I can't really find one. Well, until right now as I am writing. I ferro angry because I don't feel free.

Since my mom died I have gone through a gamut of emotions. I have cycled through grief, lightness, darkness, joy, and all the spectrums of the color wheel.

One trait that remains is anger. I am not mad at my mom, no this is really about me. I am angry that I see myself being her and its not me and it wasn't my mom either.

I read my mom's senior book the other day.I had not seen it since I was little and could not read cursive yet. I found it in a box in my dad's basement. What I read was the dreams my mom had and were never fulfilled. Like loving someone other than my dad. Wanting to go to college and move away from Kansas. She had dreams and ambitions and none of that was what I saw.

My mom was a couch potato, practically a chain smoker, angry with life, and ill. She was not an ambitious person. She was not a social butterfly. She was not the "yes" person. She didn't go out, she didn't have friends or contacts, she didn't do a damn thing but exist as a human going through the motions.

Before marriage and me she was very out going. She was on bowling leagues, she went dancing, she went out and lived life. Then somewhere along there it fizzled and her fire for life went out and her bitter ash remained.

I can relate. I am not as bad as her, ooh no. I am angry though at how my life has turned out. Watching her die shook some of the mortar out of my brick wall. I built that wall after I started down my path of reform. A path that has slowly pushed me deeper and deeper into the darkness of a lonely cave.

How do I break free? Not really sure. I work on this daily. I want freedom and I want my freedom to be with my kids. I don't want to stick them in school just so I can do what I want.Already tried that and it didn't work. I will keep working on this and figuring it out.

At least I am aware I need more. I need more time to create, time to play, and fun uplifting people around me. I need less of catering to peoples whims.

Not sure how this will look but I know I need time to do yoga, "find myself" (cliche, I know), and teach my kids the same so they don't fall down into the pit of despair when they are adults.

Now, how do I do this?