I was on the road to happiness and was spiritual when my turned super ill and then died. Then I turned into s grief stricken, angry, Good hating human. I was bitter, lost, sad, and extremely lonely. I went from talking to my every single day, sometimes more to nothing. NOTHING. I grieved alone. I lost my spirituality. I lost my soul. It slipped away with my mother because I wasn't strong enough to hold on to it.
This June will be 3 years since she passed. My birthday week marked the slip in her health. A tedious and painful time that happened in a blink of an eye in slow motion. I did it alone with my emotionally absent father. I was the rock beaten by the seas and I was also the wave that carried the burden of the ship and her crew.
When it was all over and I was alone at night weeping in my bed suffering, from what I now know was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I went from sad from the loss to complete anger in the abandonment from everybody. All the men ran out of my life, ALL. I was angry. I'm still disappointed in them. Mostly because I don't think they get what their lack of actions did to me. They don't get it. Plus, they have no idea how it all happened. I was angry at all men, even the ones I had not met. I was angry at God, the idea of God, and everything God stood for; I was pissed and I wasn't backing down.
Today I went to church. Not your typical church, mind you. I went to a Unitarian Universalist Church. I still do not believe in the God most people believe in. A loving and living God, in my opinion, wouldn't take someone out of their bodies like that. I do need community. I do need fellowship. I do need women. I've lost all trust in the ability of men to be present, to be available. I was let down mute than once over the 3 years. In my time of need I was passed over. When my husband grandfather died my bitterness returned when he was angry I didn't go to the funeral.
I realized I needed to step out of my lonely box and look for my soul again. I want it back. I'm finding shards along the way and gluing it back together.
I've signed up for a women's mini re-treat. I went to chant. I drug my family to church, even if non-conventional.
I don't trust the traditional religions, dogmas, the belief in this God in a box. I don't trust hierarchy of the patriarch and the status quo. I know now my place is among the sweeter scents of women, the warmth, the love, and the connections that form among sisters. I know my place is among chanters, dancers, and lively folks. I know my place is among those that accept me for me and I give them mutual respect. Bit by bit I pick those pieces out of the muck, wipe them clean, glue them together, and welcome myself back to this world. And each shard glued together leaves not a scar but a beautiful reflective shimmering light catcher that shoots rainbows and stars into the eyes of all that look upon my radiant beaming soul.
Look out world....I'm back!
