Sitting in silence

I sit here. In silence. In the dark. I make no noise. I wake no one. I disturb no pet. I am an entity left alone. I break no hearts. I make no misery. I am not cheeky, rash, nor belligerent. I peacefully sit in my bed. I have my guard down. I am simply here. 

This is my nightly ritual. Alone. I listen to dogs snore, creaks in the house, the air purifier sucking and blowing air. I do this every night. 

Do I like it? Not particularly. I long for rich conversations while lying in bed. This never happens. My expectations lead me to misery. I walk myself into the room of despair. No one takes me. I go there alone and willing. I don't like it there, yet, I go again and again. I have jumped on huge hamster wheel and have not figured out how to jump off or how to get someone to join me in the sprint, 

It's been a long silent life. An only child then married a man that doesn't speak. It's quiet and lonely. The expectations keep me walking to the room of despair. I believe this time will be different.

I know my biggest hurdle is the fact I don't know what I want out of life. Ok, I want simple things. I want to be healthy, active, and happy. I want the same for my kids. My goals feel emaciated. They need more meat, but what? 

I sit in this moment thinking about what it is I want out of life. My children are growing older and needing my assistance less and less. This leaves a void because my husband has never been the talker/sharer I desire. It is what it is and I have to decide my plan of action. Until then I will sit here. In the dark. In silence. Alone.