Grandmother

Lately I've been thinking about my grandmother. Her native American side that was suppressed. It was almost a burden to her. It was rarely discussed in the family. I don't even know my tribe. It was known growing up but I just knew to not ask questions. It's a shame to not know this piece of lineage. I can't get anything from the government because my portion of the blood line is too small. Not that I would anyhow, but it's a shame my family did not use it to their advantage. My mother could have went to Haskel, she was the last least bit.

I miss not knowing my heritage because they were to afraid to speak about it for so many generations.
Maybe my grandma didn't even know herself.

Anger

Yesterday was a very angry day. I even had energy work done and I still felt angry. I went to the store and was angry. I was a rager for sure. I have been thinking about what the cause was and I can't really find one. Well, until right now as I am writing. I ferro angry because I don't feel free.

Since my mom died I have gone through a gamut of emotions. I have cycled through grief, lightness, darkness, joy, and all the spectrums of the color wheel.

One trait that remains is anger. I am not mad at my mom, no this is really about me. I am angry that I see myself being her and its not me and it wasn't my mom either.

I read my mom's senior book the other day.I had not seen it since I was little and could not read cursive yet. I found it in a box in my dad's basement. What I read was the dreams my mom had and were never fulfilled. Like loving someone other than my dad. Wanting to go to college and move away from Kansas. She had dreams and ambitions and none of that was what I saw.

My mom was a couch potato, practically a chain smoker, angry with life, and ill. She was not an ambitious person. She was not a social butterfly. She was not the "yes" person. She didn't go out, she didn't have friends or contacts, she didn't do a damn thing but exist as a human going through the motions.

Before marriage and me she was very out going. She was on bowling leagues, she went dancing, she went out and lived life. Then somewhere along there it fizzled and her fire for life went out and her bitter ash remained.

I can relate. I am not as bad as her, ooh no. I am angry though at how my life has turned out. Watching her die shook some of the mortar out of my brick wall. I built that wall after I started down my path of reform. A path that has slowly pushed me deeper and deeper into the darkness of a lonely cave.

How do I break free? Not really sure. I work on this daily. I want freedom and I want my freedom to be with my kids. I don't want to stick them in school just so I can do what I want.Already tried that and it didn't work. I will keep working on this and figuring it out.

At least I am aware I need more. I need more time to create, time to play, and fun uplifting people around me. I need less of catering to peoples whims.

Not sure how this will look but I know I need time to do yoga, "find myself" (cliche, I know), and teach my kids the same so they don't fall down into the pit of despair when they are adults.

Now, how do I do this?

Demeter

Persephone Song by Anne Hill
Persephone, Persephone,Maiden of the Springtime
,Now's the day, you know the way,
To climb back toward the sunshine.
Demeter, Demeter,Waiting all the Winter,
Cloaks the Earth all in green,
Her daughter's come to greet her.

A friend of mine its having a Greek God/Goddess party for his birthday. I was invited and  guests are to dress like their deity. As soon as I read the email this song started up in my head. Then I took a quiz, a link offered on his email, to find your deity that represents you. Guess what, yep, it was Demeter.

If I am able to go, what would this look like?

Illogical Christians

This week I was told my Facebook status was bigotry*. I was told the verse I used was out of context and was wrong for using it in that manner. It was a picture of the infamous praying football player with a verse that said people should pray in private not like the hypocrites that pray for show.

I said that the whole Bible is out of context for us all because we are not Jewish. I also said if it, the verse, was aimed at Rabbi's then what makes the rest of us exempt?

A Christmas day status by a family member said "screw you" to people that say "Happy Holidays" and not
"Merry Christmas." His statuses got even more heated with his cousin back and forth they went. Angry words that could easily insight violence. 

When I spoke of Jesus and his non-violent message I was met with resistance and more anger.

Because I renounced my Christian faith these people automatically assume I know nothing. They think I am out to get them and stop them from their faith. I am not. Let's make that clear right now. I  am saying for you to stop and think. Think about what you are really doing and think about what you stand for. Are you really living the life of non-violence Jesus spoke of? Do you associate with people that live up to that value?

Be logical. That its all I an asking you to do. Take a step back from your holy righteousness and walk in my shoes. Be an observer to your own faith and your religion and see if you see what I see.

I see a group of people calling themselves something they are not. You are not living a non-violence lifestyle and turning the other cheek.you are not helping people with love but knocking them down with hate.

We all live together and when someone like myself asks you nicely not to spew hate over a silly greeting or stop and think about what your scripture actually says don't get angry with me.

Here is the difference.When someone questions my beliefs (which you Christians love to do and yes I have some) I shrug  it off and chuckle to myself. I don't Carree if you think I am going to hell or nor getting into Heaven. That's your belief not mine, so be it. BUT of someone like myself says we don't believe you, or says you are being very Christian like you fly off the handle and go insane with anger. This makes me think that your beliefs are not that string to begin with if someone can send thou into a rage with a "happy holidays" and "why do Christians use the Bible like a buffet?"

This non-Christian is more Christian than you think. I treat people with love, I give love, I root for the under dog, I look within and meditate (pray), and I don't look nor want violence and don't think it solves a damn thing.  Yet, I am destined for hell because I refused to do it like you do. So be it.I feel secure enough in my belief to let you have yours, I only ask you live up to the greatness of Jesus and not smear him around in the mud like camping fodder on a holiday. But if you still decide that is the way its going to be can you at least admit you use the Bible like a buffet and perhaps change the name of your religion? Just a thought.

*look up bigotry, it states a bigot is someone that HATES someone that does not believe the same as they do, does not act the way they think they should act, and does not look the way they think they should look. If you are telling me I am wrong and I am going to hell. if you say "screw you" for not saying the greeting "properly" then I have to ask; Who is the bigot committing bigotry?

Didn't do much good...

Tonight I told my husband that I was drowning in the chaos. I told him I was unhappy and asked for help.

He took it that I was saying he was a bad guy and a looser and it's my fault he hadn't been able to get the sewing room finished in 2 years time because I asked him to go with me to drive of the kids with my folks.

Well that conversation went nowhere fast. Fuck it, I'm going to sleep. I have a toon of stuff to do tomorrow.

Next step

Been thinking about what its my next step. What am I being called to do? What is my joy? My passion in life? My get up and go? What its it?

My kids? Yes, of course. I am taking other than that. What is calling me? Spiritual, art, what? The question I keep asking myself is how I can combine my loves to be profitable in my life. I love animals, being outside (disclaimer; on nice days), swimming, creating, working with people on a project, gardening, and setting my own schedule. I like doing all this with my kids. This its where I think, "how can I make money off this?"

I jump at opportunities and give it a go when I discover them but some how it doesn't pan out. Ok, I know I can't do an office job, tried that too. Nope, no desk jobs with no creativity involved is a no go.

So here I sit thinking about my next step. Timing is everything and obviously it its not my time. I keep cultivating skills and narrowing down my likes and dislikes to prepare further. I now know I hate being a chicken farmer! Ha!

Time will tell. Until then I have ideas and plans.I want to build a green house with solar electricity to run pumps for my hydroponic system and I want a traditional space for a green house and both on the south side to be a passive solar heated space. I want to remove the porch and enclose it and put down a concrete floor and make it a passive solar room to help great up the downstairs and grow food in it in the winter in containers and have a small rocketstove in there add well to be a heat source. Yes, I have ideas. I need funds and therefore I need that next step to obtaining them!