Mushrooms?

When I was little my grandfather had a plaque in his bathroom that said, "I'm treated like a mushroom. Kept in the dark and feed bullshit."

I had that feeling this weekend. My husband told me about how his grandfather beat his women. I was flabbergasted. I knew the man before he died, no one, not a single soul mentioned it, ever.

In 20 years with my husband you'd think he or his mother or someone would've shared this. No, I heard about how great grandpa was. How much everybody loved him, except his crazy ass daughter that refused to talk to him.

After hearing this about "grandpa" I have to wonder about my husbands mad old aunt in Oklahoma that i've never met, ever.

Why was she so mad at her dad? So mad she wouldn't see him a he was dying even. That is pretty dang angry.

Perhaps there its more to this story and it begs me to ask the question, "why was the family ok with this?" And "why is it such a secret?"

Pretending it didn't happen is all well and good except fire the people he abused!

I see them all in a different light now and not a rosy one either.

Grumpy butt

Is this my mid-life crisis? All I can think about its running away. Leaving my kids with my husband and going on a fabulously fun adventure without them. Since I'm not doing that I am feeling grumpy.

I need clarity, maybe. Perhaps I need space. A retreat?  Something....but what?
Its been two years since I had a simple moms sleepover at a B&B. That was one night away from home two years ago....

A lot, HUGE, amounts of stuff has happened since then.

Uh? Ooh, yeah, life called, he wants you to get one...

I spent the night at my friends house last night. We laughed and watched a movie and ate "hippie" snacks.

We also talked seriously about life. We talked about creating out life and how to do it. One thing that came up over and over again was focus on the positive and what you want. Keeping your eye on the prize. Find was to stay happy and put the focus there. Over time the negative will transform.
Great, but what do I want?

Alone

Lying in bed eating raw goat cheese and wishing my conversation with my husband had been received. Instead, the arrow not only missed its mark, it rather bounced off.

Let's back track. I was separating and folding clean clothes atop of our bed and tucking the youngest into bed. Hubby sat there on the need playing with his phone. I began to complain about my life as it is right now. I told him how I feel like I have no one to talk to since my mother died, because she was the one I told my issues too about other people. In my mind I played this out with my husband saying, "i'm here for you." Instead I get the ultra shock of, "have you talked to (insert friend...XYZ) about this?" WTF? Was my first thought. My eyes filled with tears and I said, "she (friend XYZ) doesn't have time for me, with her baby she barely has time for herself." All the while he never looks up from his phone.

I continued to work at my laundry and put stuff away and got into bed. He turned of his phone and curled up next to me and went to sleep, with his clothes at the foot of the bed on his side.  Bother!

One friend in a completely different time zone and has her own daycare and her own kids, another one with a baby, and yet another one going through a divorce. I really feel alone now and it its not easier with someone that expects me to find someone else to share them with.

My thought its if I can't share them with my husband then what use is he?

Wish my mom was here, I could really use her ear.