I'm really amazed at the speed my emotions change and fluctuate through out the day, everyday. I'm also noticing a pattern. In the morning I'm happy to see my children wake up and we talk, make breakfast, get n with the day. I'm busy, distracted, and seem pleasant enough. Somewhere around dinner time I get extremely lonely and that brings on sadness. This lingers until my husband finally comes home and then returns when we barely speak or see each other before he falls asleep. The next day it begins again. If I keep myself distracted I do not think about the loneliness. I just keep plugging along. After a day of doing I find myself wanting conversation with an adult that does not include body function humor and video games. When that doesn't happen my expectation bubble bursts and I'm left holding flappy emptiness.

I either need to find more people to talk to or join a club or something. Perhaps get rid of expectations. That could be helpful. It's hard though.

Why do relationships have to be so hard. Friend, lovers, family, etc.... I sometimes wonder if we are making it harder than it actually is....are we suppose to form tight bonds? Are we suppose to wonder and not truly connect to folks?

Ahhhh, emotions....I'm going to bed. Fuck it.

Poor Monday....

I'm someone that never blames my shitty days on the day of the week. I dislike when people blame Monday, as if it was Monday' s fault. Also, Monday is usually a good day for me.

Not today it wasn't. It started in the wee hours. I woke up for various reasons; cat knocking over stuff down stairs, reoccurring nightmare (the whole night), son talking loudly in his sleep, snoring husband, and noisy old sleeping dog. Between 2:45 and 4:35am I was up, awake, or trying to go back to sleep. I finally get to sleep and my husband tries to wake me around 5am. I finally get out of bed around 8am. I was in slow mode and very very tired. I get my shower and everything seems to be ok. My youngest son wakes and it's still ok. My oldest awakens and BOOM, temper and nasty attitude from asking him to do a chore; feed the cats.

I broke glass, cleaned it up. Running late after dealing with nasty butt and then can't find my keys. Someone had moved them from my spot. I found them, running even later, I jump in the car to find just enough gas to get to my yoga class I'm teaching.

I get to class and cannot find free parking and had to pay. Get inside and one of the helpers has a fucking hangover. The clients, being mentally challenged, sense her inability to help, act up. It's a fucking nightmare.

Long story short, I'm glad that today is at an end. It did not get better until after 2pm when I got outside and made trenches and planted asparagus crowns into the ground.

Something about wearing my ass out digging and touching dirt makes everything better.

(Forgot to mention the ant farm living in one of my potted plants! I sat it outside and the little fuckers started to walk back into the house carrying their eggs. This was before 2pm)

Lost

A friend complains to me she never knows what is going on and not invited places.

She refused to get Facebook. She finally did a few months ago because an article she wanted to read required it. She won't friend anyone. So no one knows she is on there and doesn't invite her because they go down their friend list.

She checks her emails and texts days later then laments she didn't get the news in time.

I sent her an email yesterday to tell her that my phone died. She needed to call me before I left this morning about getting her son.

She has 30 minutes then I'm outta here.

I really wish all people were connected the same, it would make life a lot easier. Ah, but that would take away our precious free will to difficult.

Muse

It's a crying shame that you cannot buy a muse. I really could use one. A nude muse at that. Male or female, either would work.

Where are all the great friends?

Sitting here today feeling low. Mostly because I'm in great need to talk to someone about myself and there is no one. Yes, I have friends. The problem is they seem to be into themselves. I know we are all egotistical at times but what I'm experiencing is just terrible friendship. I've known it a long time but who wants to admit to that? Who wants to admit their friends suck? I feel like its a reflection of myself and that hurts. It stings. It bites.

I'm not perfect, I don't pretend to be. I just don't think I've sunk to the level of my "friends." Nor have I ignored them during tough times. One friend couldn't be reached after she visited me at the hospital when my mom was in icu. When my mom died I couldn't reach her. She happen to come by someplace I was and upon seeing me asked how everything was and I told her my mom died last week. She acted all sincere then said in a whisper, " if and when your dad is ready ( insert sheepish grin) have him call me, ok? ( insert the sucking sound between teeth and cheek.)"

What the fuck? My mom's ashes are not even in an urn and she is asking to hook up with my grieving father. Needless to say our friendship has suffered greatly after that. It wasn't going so hot before because she was always hitting on my husband.

One friend had the nerve to tell me I wasn't good enough for my husband and then sexually flirted with him openly. (We don't talk anymore, obviously )

Another asked if I could share my husband. Seriously, she wanted to make a deal. (We occasionally talk but it's weird)

Luckily, I have a swell husband and graciously refused to their faces but privately was disgusted. Some friends, eh?

Then I have the friend that ditched me because her boyfriend and I talked while we were out at dinner one night. She ditched me because she didn't have balls to confront her skank boyfriend about flirting with me. I never returned the flirts but she was angry, nonetheless. (We never talk, her choice and her loss)

Then I have the single friends that never call me because I'm married. You know, because married women can't ever leave their husbands side, ever. When I meet hem at events they are shocked I came without my husband. Gadzooks, is the 1930's?

I have one stable friend at the moment but she is going through a world of shit and despair and I'm there for her, meanwhile, I have no one for me. My closest friend that I can talk to is in California. We text everyday but you really can't nitty gritty in texts.


Why is it so hard to find decent women friends? Do men have it this hard?

Empty Space

It has been almost 2 years since my mom died and tonight I literally had the thought to call her and reached for the phone to tell her a saw my first love. I stopped myself and slunk into a heap on the bed and sat in bitter cold silence. My saddest welling up within and forcibly suppressed. Whom do I to call now? For almost two years I've wondered who could be my go to. I don't have siblings. My cousins are all mad I'm an atheist or in jail or assholes.

I'm 38 and wishing I had a mom. I wasn't done needing her.