Me? Speechless? Yes, very much so. Why? Good question. I've been thinking about this over and over and what I came up with was I'm private. "Oh, no you are certainly not." You may say if you know me. Yes, I do say a lot on Facebook but really, do you really know me? Do you?
I sat in a women's circle twice. Each time I never revealed myself. I am a hermit crab. I carry around my cool shell for everybody to see but don't you dare look in it andou certainly cannot come in. I try to open up and it always comes out sideways and awkward. I don't know how to do it. I opened up a little to a guy a few years ago. Never once was I feeling romantic feelings, never once did I think I gave than impression. He did. He thought I was into him and it scared him. He rarely talks to me now. I've even had women say, "uhm, I'm not interested in you." So, obviously, I'm not any good at conversing my inner self.
Back to the 7 list; I keep going over and over what to say and how to say it. I realized I cannot do it on FB at all. I like some of the anonymity get on the blog. I think only Russians read it anyhow.
So, with all my social awkwardness I'm going to give my 7 list.
1. I watched my first porn when I was 10. I was left with my older cousin and he put tin the VHS player. It changed my world.
2. I use to give Ken tattoos and stick diamond stud earrings in his mouth to give his teeth bling. Barbie got her hair cut short and would wear Ken's clothes. They had orgies with other dolls. Ken on Ken and Barbie on Ken and vice versa.
3. I told my my friend I wanted to be a prostitiue when I grow up after watching a movie with one in it and she told my mom. Few days later we played doctor and I gave her a shot with a rusty screwdriver that punctured her skin.
4. If I had been caught I would have ended up in juvi and a record, enough said.
5. I saw a bunch of girls that had bullied me all fucking week walking ahead of me on my way home from school. I saw them looking back talking and laughing. I pulled my knife out of my pocket and opened it. As I walked by them the jumped me. I had one on my back trying to choke me. I reached back and stabbed her in the leg. They called me a "crazy bitch" and ran home and told my neighbor, a cop. He went and picked up my books. They made sure to throwing a trash can nearby.
A week later one of those people had their cousin try to kill me by running me over with their jeep. I ran home by jumping into bushes and hiding behind parked cars. I got in the door and laid down on the floor so they wouldn't see me. The next school year, after another fight and a girl brought a gun to school to threaten me, my folks illegally enrolled me into another school in the county next door. Life changed but I was still treating school like a war zone.
6. My great aunt was always giving my mom shit for being fat, btw my aunt is fat now.
I heard her carry on about how my mom would be pretty if...
It was a baby shower so there were cocktail weiners and cheese cubes galore with toothpicks sticking out. When my aunt got up to use the restroom I went over and wedged a toothpick into the weave of the seat and then hid myself to see the fun. She came back and sat down and....SCREAM! I giggled and laughed in my hiding place.
7. I'm almost 40 and I feel completely unaccomplished. I have a terrible time staying focused long enough to do anything. My world is in chaos almost 95% of the time. I rarely go out with people because I do tend to turn people off. I'm weird. I'm awkward. I'm an ADHD poster child that was never diagnosed. A child of a father that was never diagnosed. I always wonder what it's like to be THAT girl that everybody loves and always has people calling her up to do fun things. Instead I'm the that other girl from the wrong side of the tracks that no one calls. Yeah, it's that hermit thing again and I don't like it.
There, finally I have voiced my 7. I release it to the ethers and let it go. Goodnight.
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