A storm...

A storm came down and poured its hard hitting drops upon my head. Stinging my skin with the sharp chill in every drop. I tried to shield myself but it was hopeless. The rain came down in buckets. On and on it went drenching me down to the bone. Rain soaked through to my soul and seeped into my heart. Millions of drops and complete lonliness stranded in the street soaking wet yelling for help and no one can hear over the rain. It just keeps coming and the pounding and smothering the pleas. At last I see a little shelter of the generous hobo and sip his rot gut whiskey with him. The warmth enters my veins and I forget in a moment in time how cold, wet, and helplessly lost I am. The storm is letting up but still I sit in the hobo shack bidding my time while I wait for someone to help me up from my drunk warm stupor.

darkened by time...

That is how I sum up my life at the moment. Darkened by time. I don't like sounding or looking melancholy. It just seems to find me. I don't walk around saying lame sad things and threatening to commit suicide. I don't wear black and hide behind big hoodies. I would say I look and act pretty normal. I don't bring down the party with depressive statements and sad woeful tales. In fact I try to do the opposite. I feels safer not going there. I don't want to be remembered as the one that made everyone feel awkward. We all know that person. The one the says rude, mean, deeply sad, and/or angry statements that makes the whole room silent and some walk away in disgust. Nah, I don't want to be that person. I am not looking for pity either. Just stating the obvious in my thoughts. Notice I said thoughts. This is all me up here between my ears. The real me. The one you don't see or talk to. The one that keeps you at arms length away at all times. That person is darkened by time.

just bitching....that is all

Lying here in bed and looking at my husband sleep peacefully. He is calm and relaxed. Nothing seems to bother him. Even my freak out moments seem to be water on a ducks back. He is a pillar and I am a pile of goo. His sounds so noble and mine, not so much. He never seems to inquire either so he has this air of "I don't care."
He rarely asks questions and he never reads my blogs and hardly ever responds to my texts.

He seems so aloof and unavailable most of the time, until he needs something or someone else needs something and he can look good for others. He is great for groups but one on one, forget it. Nothing will be completed. It becomes a battle. A battle I have never been very good at winning.

I am very defeated. My war cries are hoarse and dull. My armor has lost its shine. My sword dull and worn down to the nub. My trusty steed was put down to spare it the agony of domesticated life.

Yes, this is a miserable place to be. It is lonely, sad, and filled with morbid angst and tiny hidden rage.

How does one fashion their own key free themselves from bondage of despair?

reached my limit

I have reached my limit for compassion. It does not appear to be there any more. After 18 years of stupidity, selfishness, and forgetfulness I can say whole heartedly that I have reached my limit for be nice. I have given up so much while he gives up so little or has to be pushed and pressured into giving something up.

As my mother was dying he HAD to go to the mens weekend. Struggling with my emotions and 3 kids and taking them to their grandmothers. I finally got him to come home for most of it. Yes, I actually felt guilty he had to give something up then I felt angry that I even had to call him!

I could sit a make a weekly list of "I forgot" and other excuses list from the past 18 years but the icing on the cake was yesterday morning and this morning, and Monday. He comes in and tells me he has to work Friday. Oh, great! Once a year the Goddess Gathering happens and the one fucking day I can go he says he has to work on his day off and claims (the one who forgets everything) claims I forgot to tell him. BUT guess who is going to his fucking weekend getaway for 4 fucking days in October? He can remember that! Yesterday morning he let the dogs out and then got in his truck and drove away. I texted him and told him and then I let the dogs in. Last night I put our cat, that has been outside for 3 months in quarentine so I can take him to the vet, in the bathroom. OH guess what? He forgot and left the bathroom door open this morning and now Gopher is someplace in the house! Great! I texted him about that too and have not heard back. And I will not be the least bit surprised if he forgot the trash, again!

And he wonders why I am not in the mood?

I can't leave the children because he forgets to feed them. The dogs as well. He forgets it all, unless he really desires it. Well that is complete selfishness in my book.

I am very angry right now. Most frustrating thing is if I attempt to talk to him he throws the "you spot it you got it" bullshit in my face and cannot see how I don't forget to lock up the dogs, feed the children, etc... and to keep from forgetting I USE A FUCKING CALENDAR! Because I know I don't have a bionic brain!

Yep, if talk fails ending sex will help at least make me feel better :P

Saying goodbye is hard

11 weeks ago my mom died and I am still crying. At the drop of a hat I am in tears. This is the hardest damn thing I have had to go through. The hardest damn thing to remember. Seeing a woman get electracuted at a street fair was rough and watching the paramedics use paddles on her death white body scared me for life. Holding my dying grandmother shook me up but watching my mother dye took the cake. That visual is haunting my brain day and night. Not only that I am feel left with nothing. My daily phone calls that sometimes number to be 2 or 3 calls are now none!

I miss my mom. I miss the calls. I miss the talks. I wish my last memory of her was peace and not terror and pain.
I keep working towards getting on with my life but there are times I lie down or sit in a chair and stare off into nothingness and hour or 2 goes by before I realize what is going on. I just check out for a little while in saddness and pop back in when I get done. I am sure I will snap out of it at some point but for right now...I am not what to think.

Is it much to ask for help?

Let's take a moment to think about what it means to be a stay at home mom, shall we? I get up early in the morning and I begin my day. I do not lie down on the couch and veg out. I am up and doing as well as directing.
A typical day is laundry, dishes, sweeping, making meals, directing children to do their chores and school work. I teach lessons, read books, and demostrate how to various chores and projects correctly. I make phone calls, lists, make appointments, go to appointments, drive children to play groups, classes, and lessons. I take care of animals, children, and life issues all day long. I also do all the shopping for everything we need, even at the hardware store. I make small home repairs, painting, patching holes in walls, and I even do the lawn care.

Is it too much to ask my husband to talk to mechanic, take the trash, and sometimes pick up a little slack and make his own appointments! He seems to be under impression I do nothing. He makes comments like, "you are home all day." Well first of all that is not true! Most days I leave here by noon and get home after 5pm. When it is an activity I am not going to participate in I think he should make the effort to make his own appointments.

Is that too much to ask for?

I told my husband he needs to help me make life more balanced. It is not, not by a long shot. This family is a team effort and it is about time I have some players with team spirit on my side.

Is that too much to ask for?