"I am the sensual beast that lights your fire and the monster that dampens your soul"

This was a line from a poem I wrote the other day. I cannot get this line out of my head. I really feel like this. Deep inside me I am very sensual. I have a harder time letting her out but easier time letting out the Kraken. I really don't like the Kraken any more. It served its protective services and now needs to move on. Sea Monsters of such a large magnitude needs time to make that change. You have large amounts of baggage to gather and carry away. Something of that caliber must find a new location to fit such a large girth. It takes time. I am rather impatient and ready to put some C-4 under that bitch and detonate!

I want to be sensual all the time. I want to feel free to be me, the real me, the tender me, all the time.

Maybe that is what i mean when I say i want to be free.

Too complex for one person....

As I laid in bed last night I had these thoughts swirling around....

I am the night and the day
I am the twilight and the gloaming
The dewy sunrise and the silent sunset
The Sun, the Moon, and the Stars
The gossamer heaven and a screaming hell
The light and dark with edges of gray
I am a surreal foggy morning and a sunlit stroll through the park by day
The gentle warm summer breeze in your hair and the dangerous icicle on your roof waiting to impale you
I am the sensual beast that lights your fire and the monster that dampens your soul
My fire will consume you and my chill will slice down to your bones
My abysmal depth is unmeasurable
My mare is untameable
My wild mane is knotted and cannot be smoothed
My soul is uncharted with regions still unknown to humankind
Dark caves and bright open meadows side by side
Too complex for one person in one lifetime.....

My journey begins!

This weekend was a pivitol moment in my life. It started Friday with a meeting with my life coach. I made a tiny step forward but not enough. I have been hitting a dead end with him as well. Unable to open up. I could not figure out why but I have now. That is for me to share with him later.

On Friday I had come to grips with the word ACCEPTANCE! That was the first step in my new direction.

Second day, Saturday, I went to a Shakti yoga workshop. We shook and hopped and moved our bodies. It opened the channels. It started to release some stuck on ick. I came home feeling lighter and calmer. It felt so good I did not want that feeling to end. Moving my body was increditably healing and sacred.


Third day, Sunday, I went to the second part of the workshop; Shamanic Breathwork. I was really scared. I was so very frightened that I had pains all throughout my body. I was ready to leave before I got there. I was coming out of my box. Pushing the envelope. I was challenging myself. I decided to stick it out and go with the flow.

I am so glad I did. I really cleared out some old junk. Past pains, Recent pains, and clumpy sticking thick gooey gross stuff hiding out in my body. I let it go. I went with the flow. I did not restrict because someone might be watching. I did not limit and restrain my body. I took to the edge and in the end received my gift, my joyous reward, a new life!

As I near my 36th birthday I can say I am ready! I am ready for a new life. A beginning. a new chapter. Find my creativity, my artist, my lover, my dancer, fantastic health with a fit body,and my sensuality and sexuality!

I am back and better than before!

acceptance

The other day I pulled a pink candle from clear glass bowl. The candle had foil stamped writting on it, acceptance. That was a hard word to swallow. It felt like a jagged pill being forced down my throat. Acceptance. It keeps ringing through my ears like a gong. Acceptance. A low hollow roar. Acceptance. Go away, I do not want to hear you. Thumping upon my brain. An ant dragging a morsel of truth my way. Acceptance.

Why was I reacting so harshly to such an innocent word. What did it ever do to me? The word itself asks you for what it desires from you, acceptance. Why could I not grant this word its wish?

I could not because I did want to. I wanted to "fix" what was not broken. I wanted to mend something that is not mendable. I wanted to hold on to something that was past its experation date. I was not moving forward because I would not let my heart accept what I could not change.

I cannot change everything. I cannot travel back in time to fix my mistakes before they happen. No I must carry on and let go of the past. Remember it so as not to repeat but let it be a photograph in my album, not a RV I must drag along.

I have decided to accept I am unable to be pregnant. I accept I will not adopt. I accept Flint is no longer a part of my life. I accept that it is better that others stay out of my life as well. I accept I cannot change people that they must change themselves. I accept I am not as demure as I once was. I accept the fact that my new found boldness will scare some people and repulse other. I accept. I accept. I accept!

I may not be what you want but I am going to be what I want. Therefore I will accept myself for you.

sorting....

Recently I started seeing a life coach. Someone to help me sort out my life and get back on track. Although I think I have never really been on track. Its a want and deep desire but not one I have attained, thus far. I am looking forward to the day, soon hopefully, that I feel empowered to be authentic with everyone and hold steadfast to my truths. Feel safe to express myself fully without fear. I feel crippled not being able to cry when sad when people are around. Feeling scared when people are not around. I want to learn to be present and to be real. I have grown weary and tired of being something I am not. I am ready to scream to the world of my displeasure and begin to find and participate in my pleasure. I deserve it! I deserve feeling love, understood, appreciated, and happy! I deserve a lifestyle rich with friends. Being lonely, sad, and alone does not serve my higher good at all. Feeling stifled and my emotions bottled up and supressed does not serve my higher good. Its time to turn over a new leaf and begin with a new set of goals. Throw out the antiquated rule books of the past and develop guided suggestions. I feel like SpongeBob when he said with excitement, "I'm ready!"

Time to get to work and get myself out of the sludge and into the daylight of life! Good things are happening now!