acceptance

The other day I pulled a pink candle from clear glass bowl. The candle had foil stamped writting on it, acceptance. That was a hard word to swallow. It felt like a jagged pill being forced down my throat. Acceptance. It keeps ringing through my ears like a gong. Acceptance. A low hollow roar. Acceptance. Go away, I do not want to hear you. Thumping upon my brain. An ant dragging a morsel of truth my way. Acceptance.

Why was I reacting so harshly to such an innocent word. What did it ever do to me? The word itself asks you for what it desires from you, acceptance. Why could I not grant this word its wish?

I could not because I did want to. I wanted to "fix" what was not broken. I wanted to mend something that is not mendable. I wanted to hold on to something that was past its experation date. I was not moving forward because I would not let my heart accept what I could not change.

I cannot change everything. I cannot travel back in time to fix my mistakes before they happen. No I must carry on and let go of the past. Remember it so as not to repeat but let it be a photograph in my album, not a RV I must drag along.

I have decided to accept I am unable to be pregnant. I accept I will not adopt. I accept Flint is no longer a part of my life. I accept that it is better that others stay out of my life as well. I accept I cannot change people that they must change themselves. I accept I am not as demure as I once was. I accept the fact that my new found boldness will scare some people and repulse other. I accept. I accept. I accept!

I may not be what you want but I am going to be what I want. Therefore I will accept myself for you.