outdoors

Thinking about trees with long reaching arms and lucious green leaves that leave the earth below in deep shade. Squishy soft moss and twittering, chirping, and singing birds. A babbling stream with clear cool water to stick my feet in. Tip toe through icy water as little fry nip at my toes and slip around on the algae covered pebble floor. I fall back into the water laughing out loud with a full belly laugh. I crawl back to shore and sit in silence absorbing the beauty.....

I need that. I want that!

Only Child Blues

Let me tell you, I am feeling the only child blues. Its hard enough with my mom gone as it is but add that to not having any brothers or sisters makes it even harder. I also have no one else to talk to or help me with my dad and his affairs. It is all on me. I knew this day was coming but I expected to be older and not have children still at home. I hoped my folks would begin to die when they were much older and not so young when my children were young. It didn't work out that way, now did it?

I really do feel alone in this. First the loss of Flint and now the loss of my mother. Saddness is a weak description for what I feel most of the time. I am noticing lately a sheer disrespect for everybody. Anger. Snarky. My tongue dripping with vemon and lashing out at even strangers on the street.

My beloved yard reflects my attitude, or lack there of, and so does my home. Sam would probably say the same for our sex life, that once HAD life prior to all the emotional hell I have been through.

I am, for the most part, a great actress. Water on a ducks back, that's me! That is the surface view. I look calm and relaxed and in control. I am actually feeling quite the opposite.

How long does it take to get over a failed adoption and death of a mother that happened within 6 months of each other?
I know everybody wants me to get over the baby and move on with my life and I know people that have not had a parent die don't understand but the fact remains I am terribly sad by both events.

I hear time heals.....I sometimes wonder if that is just some bullshit those people spread around to cover the fact they are still sad.



It is hard having a baby you took from the hospital taken from your arms 10 days later by the state and put into foster care and you don't know what happened to him. It is equally hard to watch your mother suffer a massive heart attack in front of you and you can do nothing but look her in the eye and she looks into yours and dies gasping for air.

I am feeling a little jaded and irked and snarky right now and quite honestly I need a big fucking relaxing and fun vacation!

breeze

A breeze flew by just to say hi and nipped my nose with a chill
A little gnat landed on my bed to whisper but I couldn't understand what he said
A scent grabbed my nostril with a clingy hook and I invited him in for a whiff
A rush and a gush poofed into my ear and rattled around until resting on the edge
A whisp kissed my drying lips and I gave her a wink of approval

The bedroom....

There in my window, hanging from a piece of sun bleached yarn, a wax creation made from old crayons. The window also displays the word LAUGH in yellow and a strand of costly beads dangle from a thumb tack stuck in the frame on fishing line. Above the window on either side are elephant hooks awaiting the curtains I have never gotten around to putting up. Hell, I haven't even looked for any to buy. They have been waiting for years! Down the wall to the left is a cheap gold frame with a small poster of a painting by Van Gogh. It is titled "first steps" and its a poor looking family joyful because the baby is taking their frist steps. Below the painting is my dresser that has taken on a life of its own and it is all chaos!

My dresser is not well loved. I find myself loathing it. It needs a new paint job with something new and funky. The pink, dark purple, and gold no longer speaks to my soul. It is sad actually because the the dresser does speak of my soul. I have always used my dresser as an altar. I have a hawk feather, Mary, a picture of a divine Mother, a young Krsna and his mother, pictures of my kids and little tokens of love from them, birds nest, pine cones, singing bowls, art, and then on top of all of that a pile of unmatched socks and folded clothes I intend to get rid of. It represents me so well it is scary. Underneath all that crap is a layer of goodies I may not want anymore. A piece of me that has changed and has a different view but not sure what that view is and what to do with all this stuff!

I feel the shift but I don't know what to do about it nor do I know how I really feel. LOST, just simply lost. Just letting it go and going with the flow and pretty much not caring what people think.

Rotation Diet Update

I failed to give an update on my rotation diet experiment. I only lasted one week. I was wanting to cry many times during the week but some good did come from it. 1, I am feeling better. 2, I discovered that I read my list wrong this whole time and I was not imagining the fact I felt sick after eating eggs. I am suppose to eat ONLY duck eggs and NOT chicken! 3, I also learned different ways to eat oatmel. I bought vegan mayo and make cornbread without cow dairy, wheat, and eggs. I am back to feeling good. Not great, yet, but getting there. I am back to exercising and doing my best to get out of this terrible funk. You know what I need? James Brown! Yes, sir, that man knew how to get people "up off that thang!"

I am trying to figure out a couple things. Do I respect my emotions and the feeling I need a break to recover or do I push my way through and just get on with life like nothing tramatic never happened?
When I wake up every damn morning from reliving my mothers death it takes a lot of effort to get dressed. The house is a disaster. Every room looks like a tornado hit it. I just look at it and roll my eyes. This is where I don't have the energy to deal with it. I really just want to run away. Bare back a horse and jump that fence and be free...oh alright, Jump in my mini-van and go on an adventure. Close up the house and GO!

Could this be because my mom died in my living room?

OK I totally took a detour there....

My advice, don't do rotation diets because they suck.

As what to do if your mom dies....I don't know what to tell you.

I vunt to suck er blood....no, not really

As long as I can remember falling asleep during daylights hours have always been my best sleeping times. In pre-school I was awarded the Rip Van Winkle everyday because I would fall asleep first and stay asleep the longest. I use to joke, in my teen and early 20's, that I was a vampire. Not I like to think of myself as a fruit bat. Sleep all day and look for ripe fruit during the night.

Blood grosses me out! Nope, no vampires here!

Its that time of year....

That time of year where I sit and fret over my schedule and if I will have enough time to get it all done. Homeschooling is not a pssive past time nor a breezy walk through the park. When you have three children all at different levels and all liking different things you have to be on your toes at all times. Music lessons, fencing, gym/pe, playgroups, co-op classes, regular schooling, fieldtrips, play dates, sleepovers, and then there is regular life issues. Laundry, grocery shopping, buying clothes, taking care of home, auto, and animals. Add this on to finding time for myself....well....gets hairy and scary with all that juggling!

When people make remarks about how I have all the time in the world to do something because I am home all day I roll my eyes and know they are completely ignorant. Those same people are the ones that need to nap after a trip to the grocery store.
These are usually thinking my kids are not getting a well rounded education and having experiences other children get. I remember my school years and my kids have had more experiences than I ever had. Two of the three have flown a plane, number three refused. The kids have a dissectting kit and have used it. Various art classes(all), dance(for the oldest), theater(oldest), nature classes and boy scouts (all), out of state trip for Greek olympics (oldest), space camp (oldest), have seen almost every single museum in the entire Metro (and beyond) and not to mention the zoo. My kids do not lack experience.

I do my best to make sure they learn about their world and beyond. By using a cotton gin, cutting open a frog, taking archery, pumping water, feeding goats, volunteering, and doing and creating art they are living and creating a firm foundation for something solid and tangible. They are going to be just fine. This is really the best situation for our family.

lonely

I admit it, I am lonely. Super duper off the charts lonely. Not your run of the mill lonely. I am the silent desperate type. I keep it to myself. I don't act out. I remain faithful and LONELY!

What brought this up? Conversations with my Dad. Let me back track a little so you know what is going on. My Dad has always been pretty much in the dark about me. My mom filtered everything. We talked and then she told him key elements about the conversation. My mom is gone now and he is discover me, his only child, for the first time. Everyday he discovers a piece of the puzzle. Tonight he said, "you don't see Sam much do you?"
I whispered, "No." Slighty embarrased about that.

I don't want my Dad to know. It was my little sad secret. I have rarely seen my husband since he went to bootcamp 2 weeks after we got married. He got out of the Navy thinking we could see each other more. We do but not by much. Instead of being gone 6 months he is gone 12 or more hours a day 5 days a week and sometimes 6 times week.

I do feel lonely out here. I don't live close to people to just hang out. Most everybody I know has kids andit is too hard to hang out because we rush one here and another there.

There. I came out of the closet to say. I am lonely in here.

So you don't drink raw milk...GOOD, this is for you!

"First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me."

A quote by Pastor Martin Niemöller (1892–1984) about the inactivity of German intellectuals following the Nazi rise to power and the purging of their chosen targets, group after group.

This quote speaks volumes about what is going on in our own country. You may not drink raw milk and may not ever want to but by keeping silent you are allowing our freedoms to be eroded systematically. One ruling after another they strip away our rights. If you do not speak up now there will be nothing left to speak about. You may not be allowed to grow your own food or go to farmer markets. You think it seems far fetched now go back into the past and think what your ancestor would say if you said people were arrested for selling fresh milk. They didn't call it raw, it was fresh! It was the way it was intended! What would great great grandpa say? He would not believe you. "Cockypop! What kind of government sends it's citizens to jail for being farmers?" 

Think I am wrong? Look it up! Even the Amish have been targeted. It is a growing trend. Farmers being sued and their land taken away because unwanted GMO seeds from uncovered trucks grew in their fields. 

Meanwhile, you sip your coffee and eat your food completely ignorant of the fact people are out here trying to keep our freedoms. You ignore our pleas for help and you bash our ways because it doesn't jive with your own.

Well, don't come crying to me when you finally wake the hell up and your freedoms are gone and you are nothing more than a penniless sad pawn in a psychopaths game! 

New Art Adventure

While at my friend's house yesterday I started thumbing through some books lying around. One was about quilts. One quilt maker has taken quilt making to a new level. She quilts with a painterly style. I loved it so much I can't wait to do it too! I am going to start buying supplies ASAP! All she has was scraps of brightly colored fabric that she glued onto cheap muslin and the quilted over it! She drew her subject on the muslin to be her guide. She had done people, animals, etc...

This mixes my painting and my sewing into one. It seems like a perfect match! I want to get started NOW!

Day 2 of the Rotation Diet Madness!

I survived day 1 to find out it all exited my body PDQ this morning. I have a feeling day 2 will exit equally fast. Swoosh! This might be a weight loss diet after all. This diet forces me to eat lots of veggies and fruits because meat is expensive and there are no fillers like wheat free bread allowed.

Today was a downer because my lunch was 30 minutes to the southeast of my tummy in someone elses freezer. This left me with pineapple and pork chops and pumpkin seeds. I cooked up the chop and cut up the pineapple. I ate pumpkin seeds and pine apple for breakfast. Onions and chop for lunch. Pineapple for snack. Last chop for dinner with more onions and summer squash. Tomorrow I am afraid I will shit out Sponge Bob's house!

I am going to go to sleep now. Tomorrow brings day 3 and better selection. Only problem is my lunch is 30 minutes to the southeat of my tummy in someone else's freezer. Damn! Oatmeal all day.....

Rotation Diet

The last few days I have heard, "what is a rotation diet?" And "why are you doing it?" First let me say that this is not a weight loss diet. This is a diet for food allergy management. Although, after the day I had, I can see this being a weight loss diet also but I will not know for a couple weeks.

As many of you know I have several food allergies and some foods I am acutely sensitive too. This means I feel like shit when I eat them but will not cause me to keel over. About 5 years ago I did the testing needed and was told then to do the rotation diet. I couldn't do it. I sat there crying whenever I thought about it. Giving up the foods I loved was hard enough. Adding on the fact a crazy and very particular diet was more than I could handle then.

Since then I have learned to live without and function quite nicely but lately I have not been feeling well. One I started to eat some of the forbidden foods because it was easier and I was stressed enough with my mother. The dust has settled and I need to get my feel good body back. I figured now was the time to follow the diet to make it happen faster.

Are you screaming, "BUT WHAT IN THE HELL IS A ROTATION DIET?" Ok, this is the hard part and I will explain it the best I can. I eat certain foods that are withing the same food family in the same day. The cabbage family would be cauliflower, brussel sprouts, cabbage, bok choy, etc... Same with dairy, herbs, and fruits. Since my list was pretty long foods I can eat was and is pretty short on certain days. This is where I think weight loss might happen. Day 1 and Day 2 are pretty skimpy. Today I ate lots on sunflower seeds, pistachio nuts, a mango and water for breakfast. Lunch was can of salmon, raw grated beets, and a grapefruit. Yeppers, today my food choices sucked ass! I survived and did 1200 steps on the stair stepper and 45 minutes on my pedal thingy. I felt kind of good. Day 2 is too depressing to think about right now!

I have 4 days then I rotate back to day 1. Monday was 1, Tuesday is 2, Wednesday is 3, and Thursday is 4 and then Friday will be the rotate back to day 1. There you have it! I am going to chug along doing my best to avoid feeling crappy! When I eat what I am suppose too and don't eat the forbidden fruits I feel like the Million Dollar Man but sometimes a chocolate something says EAT ME and down the rabbit hole I fall! ;)

Got questions, ask. It is what is and that is all there is to it.