11 weeks ago my mom died and I am still crying. At the drop of a hat I am in tears. This is the hardest damn thing I have had to go through. The hardest damn thing to remember. Seeing a woman get electracuted at a street fair was rough and watching the paramedics use paddles on her death white body scared me for life. Holding my dying grandmother shook me up but watching my mother dye took the cake. That visual is haunting my brain day and night. Not only that I am feel left with nothing. My daily phone calls that sometimes number to be 2 or 3 calls are now none!
I miss my mom. I miss the calls. I miss the talks. I wish my last memory of her was peace and not terror and pain.
I keep working towards getting on with my life but there are times I lie down or sit in a chair and stare off into nothingness and hour or 2 goes by before I realize what is going on. I just check out for a little while in saddness and pop back in when I get done. I am sure I will snap out of it at some point but for right now...I am not what to think.
3 comments:
Forgive me for major spelling errors...I was bawling my eyes out and was not thinking straight.
Losing a parent is a huge, life changing experience. 11 weeks is a very short time, especially when you compare it to the whole amount of time you had your mother. My mom has been gone 14 years and I still have moments of tears. (I still have arguments with her in my head, as well.) It gets better. You go through waves where you feel like you are doing pretty good and then it all comes crashing back on you. All normal. Don't be ashamed of grieving. It's a process. You need to complete it in your own way and it your own time. Send love and well wishes your way. We should have a "miss my mom" party sometime.
This is a poem I love:
Grief like the ocean comes in waves
only to recede and come yet again.
But with it comes healing.
Memories wash ashore
and are bathed by the golden sun.
Grab hold of those memories
and let them fill the emptiness.
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