Friends

This week has been rough. A friend of mine, my very close friend that I go and do everything with, had found a new friend.

I'm not against her having friends it's the way she is having this one that bothers me so much.

This other woman was at the homeschool group. We all talked a few times but nothing much. My friend ran into this woman at the zoo one day a couple Weeks ago. The next thing I know she is taking a car seat to her. Then after that age invited her to come stay the night, what she always did for my son and I.
The woman had not left and all I hear, if I hear from her, it's about how great this woman is, how she totally gets her and all these wonderful things. I then hear how they just talk and talk and talk and cannot stop. They talked until 4am. At this point I'm feeling angry because WE use to do that too. So I smile and say, "Like we did." And she giggles and said, "ooh I forgot!" What? February was not that long ago.

I'm upset because its like all that time I spent in the friendship didn't matter. She was always looking for something better.

Make matters worse, since now my go to talk to someone person doesn't have time for me, I went to my husband. "You're just jealous." I still have not forgiven him for that remark.

Did I mention my friend is married? Yep, now she wants this brilliant glowing new new new friend to be her marriage therapist.

Aye aye aye...Lucy, I need a drink.

So I sit here tonight lost, lonely, and seriously confused. Not to mention my husband left for work 13 hours ago and hasn't come home yet. He called his I-group to tell them he wasn't coming, but not me.

Did I just fall out of favor with everybody?

Runaway

Today our book got tense. The dragon might be dying, an old cat like man was almost killed by murders, kids helped the man escape, there is a weird apparition on the island and all I can think of is, "no more, its too tense."

I could leave the book right now and never look back. I have a library of unfinished tense books lying about. I realized something today while telling my husband pout loud I wanted to quit the book.

I'm not a quitter or a looser, I am a wimp. I don't like the tense moments. It's to real for my liking in my head.

I'm your classic crab. I have a hard shell and difficult to get past my pincer and shell but if you do you will find tender softness.

I have worked a couple times on running away from problems. I've admitted to people I can let go with ease if trouble is brewing.

I'm not one to wait and see how it turns out. I hightail it to safety and wait until the silt settles and I creep out only to go the other way.

I'm keeping on my toes because now I'm conscious of my bad habits and I'm working on changing that. And wouldn't you know it the Universe heard and answered.

Weirdness

This morning I woke up in a dream drunken state of disbelief. I was the Captain of a pirate ship and was having an affair with my first mate. Man, he was hot! ;-)

Next I ended up in Germany with my husband and a were arguing about which way to go. I told him I lived in that village for a month I knew wee to go even if it had been 20 years. He didn't believe me and went his way. I went my way and beat him by several minutes. I found my host sister and she spent so much time in India, Nepal, that she spoke English like an Indian. I had to leave but I was sad to. I loved that village.

I never did make it back to my ship and my first mate. Maybe tonight! ;-)

Be my rock

Creeping up on 10 months since my mom died. It's less painful but it us still hard. I didn't think it would be but it is.

I've been thinking about how to move past this and how to break free from the depression that creeps in and out, ebbing and flowing.

Doing it alone feels daunting at times and not only that, I'm the life jacket for my kids. I bouy them up and I'm left floating alone while they find firm footing on shore.

Being an only child with a dead mother and a father that uses you as a guiding light and thinks of you as rock solid pillar of the family is challenging to say the least.

I suppose what I really want is my family to know I'm not as string as I appear. I'm quite wimpy and soft. I cry and moan. I weep and feel despair. I need someone to be my rock as well, at least for a few months until I get my thoughts and actions and emotions back on track. I want people to be gentle because I feel overwhelmed a lot these days.

Be loving, I need it.

Birthday depression

Birthdays have always been tough for me in the past. Drunk family fighting, family forgetting about me and going to my cousins wedding, my folks having a party for me and not letting me special for fear I would become a brat, and the large amount of pictures of fake smiles or tear streaked face and swollen eyes. This year was/it's no different. If I hadn't taken the boys to a movie I wouldn't have had that. My husband didn't even get home until 11pm. By then I was tear streaked and lonely. My moms not here so I didn't have her to talk to and my Dad forgot it was my birthday.

I do my best at looking at the bright side and not wanting to complain and whine but damn it, I'd like to be and see someone and do something and have someone give more than 2 hoots.

I don't have depression because I'm getting older. I have birthday depression because I feel like I'm getting older alone without anybody giving damn besides lip service.