My father stills has her voice on the answering machine and her pills and scooter in the basement of his home. He hasn't attempt to date nor suggested he would like to. He is just existing.
My youngest is starting to come around, finally. It seemed to hit him the hardest. He needed lots of time to process it all. The other two children have bounced pretty well. My oldest has mentioned a few times the discomfort of grandma dying in the living room. My middle child seemed to get over it the fastest. He had me hold him and comfort him over the several weeks after it happened. I think breaking his collar bone helped shift his focus away from grief to healing himself.
My extended family has suffered the most. We are not invited to ANY family functions. No birthdays, not Christmas, Easter, nothing. My aunt, my moms only sibling, in two years has not accepted my friends request on FB. I have left messages for them and received none back. The ones that friended me no longer acknowledge me. Only my grandmas sister does from time to time but she did tell me she is hiding me because she doesn't like how I sometimes curse or post memes with curse words.
This is on the heels of the fact my cousin, on my dad's side, de-friended me because she didn't like my non-Christian posts. She even kicked off my kids, as well, because they post non-Christian memes and ideas. She left my husband only because she doesn't know what he likes or believes because he doesn't post anything. I didn't like what she posted either but I just hid her.
My friends have pretty much disbanded. One was callous about my mothers death and said when my dad was ready to call her. Since then those friends attached to her have disappeared. My other network of friends fell apart when one divorced her husband and half of the women would not talk to her anymore. They have since made peace but we never do anything together anymore.
My mother in law was my support for years but since my mom died she is rarely around. I use to speak with her once a day but now I might speak with her once a week and it is now through text and over within 2 or 3 texts. She even admitted she felt bad she wasn't there for me when my mom died.
I've had zero lean on support within my typical group(s). I've had one person, D.A., to talk to a few through FB about all this. His mother died several yrs ago and we had a common bond in pain and loss. I've had to do most of this completely on my own. I've navigated these hellish waters with a dim flashlight and a torn faded map. Somehow, I've made it to the shore safely.
In all this I realized that people can't handle uncomfortable situations. No one wanted to hear about how I lost Flint. No one wanted to see me suffer because my mom died. No one asked if I needed help. No one can handle the truth and in doing so they are not good friends to have.
I'm not bitter. I'm saddened that my family disowned me, in a flash, with my mother out of the way and my friends couldn't even be there for me.
I'm looking for deeper connections these days. Sadly, my deepest connection is in California. It's hard to have a night out with your friends when they are so far away.
My other change has been spiritual. I should say lack of spirituality. I've noticed I'm extremely cynical these days. I'm not an atheist but I don't believe in "god." This is what got me in trouble with a few family members. Being a gay supporter was another (I'll get to that later.) I have a hard time thinking one being that is unseen has so much control and so little compassion. I do believe in a more quantum physics belief that we all have control. Our thoughts and desires manifest, knowingly or unknowingly. I believe we are more god like than most people realize. This belief I've formed has made me change my ideas about religion, dogma, etc. I think all religion should be thrown out and discarded. This has made me very unpopular with my Baptist family. Not to mention when I do hang out with religious folks they are Hindu. Did I mention that most of my family is extremely racist?
It's not that I miss them. It's the fact they are so cold and unloving. Not that I should be surprised. They were only nice to me, sort of, because my mom was alive. With both grandmothers and my mother gone I'm just a nuisance. A spider in the shoe.
On a good note, in these two yrs I've started going to yoga school and now also learning herbs. Looking for an herb school as well. I started Buddhist college and quit. I was pissed off too much and decided it was not a path I wanted to travel. I got my Buddhist name, which sucks, and have since quit.
I even started painting in acrylics. I have had so much fun with them over the past two years.
Life is getting better. It was rough going it alone but I'm stronger for it. It is sad to lose friends and family but now I can concentrate on finding new ones.
I'm extremely thankful to my husband. He was there when I burst into tears because I couldn't find a sock, aka "I'm so depressed this lost sock was the last straw." He would lie there holding me as I gushed floods of tears and snot. He was and is pure love expressed in human form called Sam.
It was a terrible ordeal and I know someday I will have to deal with the death of my father. I just hope he waits a long long long time. I need a break from misery!
Mom, I miss you. I miss our talks. The kids miss you and dad misses you. Thank you for helping me become a strong woman. I love you, forever.
PS....you made it this long? You deserve an award. Thank you.
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