Reading and thinking

The other night I went to a kirtan. Most kirtans include a reading from the Gita. I've heard so many stories from the Gita I want to cry when they start in again about it. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about here is a crash course. Kirtan is a call and response chanting of the holy names.  The Gita is a abbreviation for Bhagavad Gita, the Vedic religious text. The entire book is actually a chapter out of a much larger book called the Mahabharata. When I go to Kirtans I feel so happy ( be forewarned not all kirtan groups are great) I can bliss out because I don't know Sanskrit and therefore I can let the sounds not stick. It's a verbal meditation with a pleasant rhythmic beat. I love it. I crave it. It is my favorite pastime. My only dislike is the Gita class that usually tags along. It's like a Bible class if you are Christian. I tend to zone out and sometimes get up and leave for an extended bathroom break. 

The other night I went to a kirtan from a traveling kirtan band. A husband and wife duo called Prema Hara. During the kirtan they stopped for a break and broke out a book. My husband squirmed because he hates the reading more than I do. I noticed the book was not the Gita and relaxed a bit because now I was curious. She read from a book that described a meeting between Mother Theresa and a Jewish American young man in Calcutta, India. As I listened I said to My husband, " I want that book." 

To my amazement the couple had a little store available that included that book. To help support their travels I bought the book from them. I've been reading it ever since; The Journey Home, Autobiography of an American Swami by Radhanath Swami. 

I'm reading the book now and I'm struck with how angry, cynical, and belligerent I've been since my mom has passed 2 yrs ago this week. I was angry at doctors, I was angry with her, angry with my family, and angry I felt so alone. On top of it all I quit believing in the God I was raised with and my mom believed in. I still do not have that belief. I don't think I will ever get it back. 

I'm noticing, though, while reading this book that I'm now open minded enough to let him have his idea about God and read his stories and not feel the need to be angry and cynical. Ok, I'm still a bit cynical, but I'm better. Trust me. 

I had no idea, could not fathom, how deep my anger went. I felt completely sucked into a vortex of heart aching hate. My complete being was saturated with the ick. 

I'm really enjoying this story. The twists and turns this young man took to find his spiritual practice. I can relate to the struggle he writes about. The depth of pain and unknowing and feeling lost with a world full of people. So it is to be human....

...read the book.