Motherhood

Right after the adoption failed with Flint and soon after my mom got sick and died I was thankful I was thankful I didn't have the stress of taking care of a baby during that. I was depressed and angry. It was an ugly time. My kids struggled, I struggled, it was extreme emotional suffering. Two major blows just did me in. 

Fast forward 2 yrs later and I would like to adopt again. I'm not ready to give up motherhood just yet. I like it. I know that is not "in" right now, but it's a calling I love. Plus, I'm having a terrible time imagining what I'm going to do with myself being so young and childless when in only 7 years my "baby"  will be 18. I will be only 45. My family thinks you are too old at 40 for living. My mom use to say it was all down hill after 40. She was all about being old, feeling old, and looking old. My dad is the same about people being too old. In the homeschool group we belong to there are several families that have children my children's ages and they are the age of my folks. 

My husband was raised in a family that children are a burden. My mother in law blatantly stated a few weeks ago, "I did my time." Like it was a prison sentence. In all her pictures of that time period she looks miserable. The new generation looks the same. Having children in that family is something you have to do not enjoy. 

I enjoy it. Little kids keep me young. You go places, you see things, you stay active. My mother in law goes no where, plays boring old board games every night, and she's been doing this for 20 freaking years. Yikes! I'm not ready for boring solitude. 

Problem? My husband has moved on in the notion of having more. He has grand ideas we will travel around in an RV. Uh, I can foresee the future and I look bored. Especially with someone that doesn't talk and falls asleep at the wheel unless he is listening to a book. 

Now I sit and pine for something I'm not going to get and try to move on from my dreams of motherhood and look into what else I can do.