The sun will come out....

I needed my belligerent rant and tear soaked pillow. I needed to vent my anger and frustration. I fumed even a bit this morning. Then I realized I was hurting myself and I was not being as loving as I wanted with everyone else; hubby, kid, and pets. I got over my surliness and did some painting. 

When hubby got home we went for a walk after his nap and watched our Netflix show then took a shower and we got into bed. We did some talking along the way. 

Foggy bottom breakdown...

I lost it tonight in slobbery snotty tears. I at a reluctant threshold. I was expecting two years ago to have a mom and toddler. I have neither. My husband is refusing anymore adoption adventures and basically, bluntly, said it was my fault I got sterilized. Never mind the fact it was suppose to be reversible. Never mind the fact my fourth and last pregnancy was the second while on the pill. Never mind the fact I begged him to get fixed because it was easier on men and reversals were easier and more successful. Never mind the fact I begged him to wear a condom. Never mind the fact I got an IUD that he said had to go because he could feel it. No, it's my fault, only my fault, my surgery didn't go as expected and I was left permanently sterile and unable to get it reversed. All my fault, just like my first pregnancy/miscarriage. 

The failed adoption left a bad taste in papa bears mouth and since he holds all the funds, said no more. Yet, I was told how he wished he had more children. Talk about fucking guilt trip. Did I mention how I asked him to step up to the plate to help prevent unwanted pregnancy when I had my hands full? Just checking. Anyhow, here I am, and have been wanting more children. Tonight I cornered Mr Vague and Dr. Change the Subject and told him I wanted a straight answer. It was the dreaded NO. 

Did I cry? Buckets of sloppy snot filled tears, hell yes, I cried. I cried for the lost chance and the shakes new beginning. I'm scared, rightly so. I'm going into something I've barely scratched the surface of when I was just a kid; the work force. 

My completely unaware and insensitive husband told me he was scared when he went to boot camp but one step at a time he made it. Oh, let's give him a fucking medal. He signed up at 17 and unless he wanted to do drugs he was locked into that contract if he liked it or not. There was no baby steps. Give me a fucking break. He went in and was told what to do and when. They gave him an education and a guaranteed job. When he left the military he went straight into the job he has now based n the training the military gave him. Not only that he was a honorably discharged veteran with 5 years experience under his belt.

What did I do during that time? I worked at odd jobs here and there in retail until we moved to the east coast. Then I did nothing until I got pregnant. Then I got pregnant 3 months later after my miscarriage. I then became a full time mom. We moved back home and had number 2 and then had number 3 just 23 months later. In my 20 years of marriage I've not worked since he left for boot camp which was 2 weeks after we got married. 

Since then I've looked for part time work. Walmart, Outback, Applebee's, Whole Foods, and temp agencies. I couldn't work for any of those places because of various ridiculous reasons. One said it was because it had been so long since I had worked, didn't have a degree (to answer phones), I was a stay at home mom and they didn't think I could handle the stress of waiting tables, I didn't have 2 years experience. That 2 years experience was the biggie. That came up a lot, then college, then the misconception stay at home moms are lazy asses. 

Seriously, I couldn't get a job at shitty restaurants and big box department stores. Then I hear my husband say, " you can do anything you want." Oh, can I go back to school? (Did you hear the chirping crickets in the silence, I did)

I have a part time job now. I'm building boxes in a warehouse in a questionable work environment were  my MIL got me a job. My husband gave me the, " you can't expect to start at the top." Bullshit speech. Uh, no, I didn't expect top. It's the fact I'm almost 40 and I'm building boxes to ship crap out and a woman covered in tattoos and piercings is talking to me like I'm an idiot. That I'm sitting there and there conversations are nothing like what I talk about and they ALL looked disgusted when I wouldn't go on a smoke break with them to eat Pringles and drink a Big Gulp.  I ate an organic apple and drank hibiscus tea and tried to talk about a book that only one person had heard of and totally missed the meaning of the book.  No, I didn't expect top dog, but I didn't expect this either. Meanwhile, the 21 year old drama teacher I hire for my kids gets hired on as customer service. The position I asked for for over a year.  Beggars can't be....well, you know. 

It rubs me the wrong way when my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable. Is it really unreasonable to request money for school when people are asking for a degree? He is clueless what I am up against. I've been told not to interfere with his schedule. That means  his work takes priority. He's not getting off so I can get to a job. If I have to pay for a sitter then what is the point of getting a job when I make so little as it is. I've felt like I've been in a losing situation for years. I can't ask him to get off so I don't make plans. I don't make plans so I don't get to do anything. I don't do anything and people get the idea I don't like doing things. I get a sitter then I am out of my meager allowance. I get a free sitter, aka MIL, and I hear complaints about when am I going to be home. So, really, why bother? 

That has been my philosophy for years, a couple decades practically. It's getting old. I'm bored. I bored and even more bored with the idea of building boxes and I have only worked one day. 

The question now is what am I going to do. I've gotten the final word of no more kids unless they are biological and it's not happening, period, so that is out. My kids are older and able to stay home together for a bit without me, this means I can work. I'm going to work to have money to spend on myself. My husband asked me what I wanted to do and I didn't have an answer. I guess I'll keep building boxes and not go on smoke breaks and take, those so called, baby steps.

Unfortunately, for my husband, I have an involuntary scowl and squinty eyes when our eyes meet. 

God farts...

Yesterday I signed up for The Big History Project online. As I was scrolling through the curriculum I noticed what I was teaching my son what was considered part 7. I noticed the Big Bang as number one. I was curious and asked my son if he new what the Big Bang was. He proceeded to explain what the Big Bang theory was about. 

First, you need to know my son says he is an Atheist. What he said next blew me away. He told me it was "just some stupid theory that some scientist made up about how God farted and made planets." I stopped him right there and said, " soooo, we need to study this  right now!" 

We studied the Big Bang and watched videos and so forth and afterwards he realized how nutty his explanation was. I never said anything. I just said, " so do you now see God didn't fart out planets?" 

I was in shock at first but it makes sense. My son has never been interested in much of anything but causing problems. His first plan of action in the morning was pinching, or poking, or stealing toys. He would never listen to a book. Never rest and relax. Never take time to watch something educational. Never took the time to listen to a discussion. Never felt the need to learn something about the world he lives in. He seriously could've cared less. 

It's taken 11 years but he has finally decided he needs to know a thing or two. He is listening to books, reading, writing, looking forward to the online class I'm enrolling him in soon, and he is not complaining about learning, period. 

I think he realized and is realizing how little he knew and knows. By this age my other boys were having intelligent conversations. This son couldn't have an intelligent conversation with a dirty sock. Oh, it wasn't from me. I cannot and will not take the blame. I've read books that he would run out of the room. Turn on audio books and scream. Turn on documentaries and he would complain or leave. He would cry, scream, complain, and completely shut down when he thought he was being taught something. I couldn't even sign him up for art classes and he loves art. 

Something has finally clicked. Either he realized he knows very little or he is finally hungry for knowledge. This week he asked for a computer so he can edit his own movies, make his own games, write his screenplays, and even asked for and got a library card. Miracles never seem to cease and neither do God farts. 

First day of school...

My older two boys ran off for camp this morning, they finally made it to the airport in Oregon in 9.5 hours. They are slowly riding a big old school bus for 3 hours to camp. My youngest is not old enough to cross the country and go to Not Back to School Camp. He has to wait 2 more years. Today, instead, he started school with me. 

It went rather well, I'm happy to say. He complained a little but not much. I think I prepared him quite well. He read a chapter from his book. He listened to a chapter from a different book. He listened to me read history. He drew something in his history lesson book that made an impression. He started learning cursive handwriting. He played with clay. He worked online with his nine curriculum. We went through flash cards and we did some social studies trivia. That's a fabulous day in my book. I'm very pleased. He stayed in good humor as well. Pinch me! 

I think he actually enjoyed himself this time around. Let's cheer for more great days.  

I'm a bit odd...

“I think they think I’m a bit odd, you know. Some people call me ‘Loony’ Lovegood, actually.” from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. 

I really connected with Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter series. She reflected many of my thoughts on friendship and being with people. I simply adore Luna! 

I find myself longing to have more and better friendships and relationships and much of the time that quote above is the exact thought I am thinking. The subtle micro expressions and little whispered murmurs that others miss I catch. I see and hear what others do not and I know I'm not "normal" enough for the majority of people. 

It makes for lonely times of reading my magazines upside down.....

Soul Searching

I've renewed my soul searching party. I'm in need of a rescue. I didn't realize this for a couple years. I a slow learner, I suppose. I'm at least too stubborn to recognize my own needs or wrapped up in others needs. Either way, I'm finally seeing I need SOMETHING positive in my life. I need more happiness. I need more smiles. I need more warmth. I need more inner peace and love. I need more people.

Before my mom got sick I was journeying along with my husband, his request, to see about Yogananda's Self-Realization Fellowship. We got into an argument about the teachings and I quit. This upset my husband. I enjoy the chanting kirtans with ISKCON folks but many of their ways don't jive with me either. Cannot stand the Abraham religions either. I not really a religionist. I like aspects of the spiritual practice but not all the dogma. Because of this I miss out on the community aspect. 

When my mom died I lost it. I hated everybody. Atheist, Christians, you name it, if you had an agenda I hated you. I quit going to kirtans, I quit chanting, I was mad as hell and sadder than I ever have been before. 

A year later on a whim I joined the local yoga teacher training program. A year long study of yoga. I thought this would only be poses and such. It turns out I learned chants in Sanskrit ( which a coupe I ROCK) and philosophy and many other spiritual nuggets. My heart softened. The yoga school was exactly what I needed. Great people, great exercise, gentle information, and time to think and let it all sink in. 

During this same time I was trying out Buddhism. I think the idea of Buddhism is great but I discovered it was really a bunch of religious haters the were cynical and grumpy. What I was trying to escape from myself. They were great big shiny mirrors. I needed that, not a lot, just enough to wake my ass up!

Anyhow, here I am, two years since my mom died and graduated from yoga school and I'm back to finding myself once more.  Tonight my husband asked for date night to be at the meditation service at the semi-local SRF facility/church. I agreed. Not sure where this is all going. Still not sure I believe in God. Still a little cynical. I like to think I'm keeping an open mind but I think there are some speed bumps and road blocks up ahead. 

I think it's safe to say that Soul Searching should come with warning shirts and banners for family and friends. "Warning this person is attempting to find themselves. They are going to have erratic and weird behaviors, ideas, and new friends during this process." 

School time...

Next week I begin school with my youngest. I will get 2 weeks of alone time with him while his brothers are at camp. Two weeks we desperately need to get the school year off with a bang. At least get it off with the least resistance. My youngest is extremely bull headed. He is so much like my mother it drives me crazy. Even if his life depends on it he won't budge. He stands his ground even if he is in the wrong. He is hard to please as well. This type of person is a challenge to teach. Add on to the fact that he loves ruts. He hates to change his routine. I need those two weeks to mold him without interference of mouthy brothers that are as irritated as I, but less patient. I've been working on this for about 2 months. I give him clues and hints, then I work it up to facts that he will face. Then I bring in the subtle changes. I first started with an online school site to practice with and then I bought educational iPad games. I wanted my son to read but he was very reluctant so I found an app that reads the ebooks to him. Now I have him reading a chapter book to me everyday. He reads his book, then listens to his book while he looks at the words, he listens to an actual audio book, he plays his iPad educational games, and he does the online school site, plus we listen to books in the car. Our geography puzzles have arrived and tomorrow I will pull out the world one to have him complete it with me. Bit by bit I have gotten him engaged and he doesn't throw his typical temper tantrum too much. He also knows the gaming will stop too. I've gotten him hooked on the A-Team and he is only allowed to watch it while walking or jogging on the treadmill. He can't get off until the show is over. He gets exercise, win for me, and he gets his show, win for him. 

He loves games so much he plays them without even knowing it. He is completely unaware of this trait. You want him to do something he has to be manipulated into doing it. He will not do something otherwise. I've never met someone like him. Hmmm, maybe I do. Come to think of it, his father...

I'm sure some will say I'm stubborn. Yes, I am, but not this stubborn. I've had my hands full with this one since birth. He was wiggly, hard to nurse, busy, unfocused, screamed a lot. Always in trouble by squeezing out all the toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner. He would eat toothpaste, drink strangers drinks, dig in public trash cans and eat gum, he peed on his bed when angry with me, he drew on the walls... The list is infinite and incomplete. When I call him a pain in the ass that is an understatement.

I've been challenged from day one and he still is but now we can have conversations and it has gotten easier. Not easy just easier. I still have days where I'm at my wits end with that one. If he went to school he would be in a constant stream of detentions, visits to the principal, and in school suspensions. His mouth would get him into more trouble that anything. Next his unwillingness to participate. I know because he's been kicked out of theater camp because he ran away, art camp because he cried,  and I removed him from school because the teacher, I could tell, hated him. 

Thing is he is a super sweet kid when it seems like it is his idea, it seems fun, he likes the idea, or it's not a "learning experience." I hear how he talks to people online when he thinks I'm not listening. He is very very kind to them. He thanks them for their help. He tells them he thinks what they did was a great thing and gives positive and uplifting feed back. He is not the kid that yelled at me about how he hates "stupid libraries and books." 

I never knew how hard motherhood was. No one prepares you for it. It is like being thrown into the woods naked and alone and told to survive. I have so many survival skills its not even funny. Each boy has come with unique issues I've had to work through. BUT this one, my sweet and quiet non intrusive  little bubble and squeak, has been my biggest challenge of all. 

Motherhood is not for wimps. If you're a wimp better become a nun. 

I believe....part 2

I am not going to give this much thought just let my heart or gut or whatever you like to say is speaking for me....

I believe people should have the right to eat whatever they like. You want raw milk? Go for it. If you want chemicals then more power to ya. No restrictions. I do believe we should be informed about our choices though. Knowing that aspartame is a neurotoxin will help me decide if or when to ingest it. I believe in truth. Don't tell me marijuana is bad for me and pharmaceuticals are safe when more people die from legally prescribed drugs than illicit ones everyday. Let me decide if its safe. I believe people should be allowed to decide their life path. Schooling, careers, lifestyles, etc...

I believe people should feel free to worship or not worship without fear. I also believe no one should tell someone else to believe in what they do. I believe organized religion is unsafe. I believe every organized religion should be protected by law if one is allowed to be protected. I believe patriotism can be dangerous as well. You forget to look objectively at your country's dealings and become blinded by the flag you are carrying. I believe you should have the right to treat yourself to any medication you want. Cocaine, morphine, marijuana, Tylenol, or nothing at all. Whose body is it anyways? 

I believe you should have the right to be delusional and weird. The right to be moody and sad. The right to be happy and glad. The right to pick your nose and fart as you please. To go topless and have sex in your yard. I believe simple is better. I believe in lust at first sight and love at first quiet talking moment. I believe in science and I believe science don't have all the answers. I believe something's cannot or have not be answered and look like miracles. I believe humans have it all wrong. I believe I do too. I believe in love. I believe peace is possible but peace takes hard work that many find daunting. I believe anger is our easiest default emotion, I know, because I default a lot. 

I believe some of the best people in my life don't know how much I really care for them ( this does not include my family, they know)

I believe I'm not that important yet I am everything. I believe it's hard to feel beautiful when society says your not. I believe it's hard to be a woman in whatever society you're born into. I believe I don't get touched enough, loved enough, and smiled at enough. I believe I'm alone too much. I believe I might be needy but I might just be human. I believe life is too short to give a fuck if you like my beliefs. I do believe you have the right to your own beliefs. I believe smiles work and so do kisses. I believe people are too stuffy and uptight. I believe that there was a Jesus and a Mohammed but I don't believe we can say what they allegedly said was the truth because we were not there. I emphatically do not believe in the story of Adam and Eve. I believe in some sort of evolution. I believe I'm finished for this evening. I believe it's time to make dinner.

 

I Believe....part 1

A FB friend asked if everyone would write a piece where they would say, " I believe" then write without much thinking what is is you believe. 

Instead of writing I was just thinking and then this scary thought happened. I had nothing. What do I believe? Holy smokes, I was left with nothing. I felt empty. 

As I sit here on my porch swing in a relaxed state I still cannot think of anything. I used to have this same problem as a child. Someone would ask who my hero was and they expected an answer. I was even expected to give oral report projects on that subject a couple times. Seriously, I faked it every time. People like to hear you have a hero. I was never the child that said fictional characters were my heroes. I knew them to be fake. I never thought of non-fiction humans as heroes either. They were human. They had no special skills that made them anymore special than I. They had to poop, put on their own shoes, and pull up their pants just like the rest of us. They were not special enough for me to call them a hero. 

I guess I feel the same way about beliefs. Beliefs change and I don't find it clutters up my mind much. 

What clutters my mind is just living. Relationships, finances, recreation, and careers. My mind is preoccupied with surviving, loving, and living. 

I'm not saying I don't have beliefs. it is just I don't sit around thinking about them. Like I never thought about heroes to worship when I was little, like every adult assumed I was doing. Maybe this is weird, I don't know. I don't care. Just out of curiosity I will give thought to my belief in a different post called Part 2.

Displaced anger?

I'm one hostile bitch some days since my mom left her body. You might ask me for a glass of water and I scream, " NO!" Then other days I will feed you breakfast in bed. These past 2 years have been tough. I no longer have the screaming sweating nightmares of my mom gasping for breath and dying. I still dream About her but now she is annoying the fuck out of me. I've yelled at her in my dreams, told her to be quiet. At one point in my dream I realized my mom was with my grandma and I said, " aren't you both dead? You can't tell me what to do anymore." I don't know why but on that dream I woke up laughing hysterically and it woke my husband up. I guess telling her off felt so good I laughed about it. 

My mom was not easy. Not even close to being easy. She was demanding, rude, and spitefully passive aggressive mean bitchy Queen. She would lie to my father to make me sound worse than I was. He would never believe me because I was the one in trouble and the child and I had a mouth on me to boot. By all accounts I should have been relieved she died. In fact, during my Women Within weekend my work revolved around her. It took 4 to 5 women to keep me from killing the woman acting like my mom. I lost it and I remember seeing the fear in the woman's eyes that was playing good ol' mom. 

Today I realized one of those times I was angry but I felt helpless to do anything about it. My 20th wedding anniversary is around the corner ( I was promised a fabulous trip but that's not happening, different story). This anniversary reminded of when my folks had their 25th. I was 23, I had a 2 year old, and lived in Florida and it was October. A far cry from my folks in Cleveland, Mo. My mother called me to rail against me for not throwing her a party. I was an ungrateful brat, uncaring, selfish, blah blah blah. Her friends girls threw them a big party for their 25th. That is what I endured. A crazy bitchy shadow-living nut case that made me look like the bad guy all the fucking time to my dad. 

Her friend's girls had help plus the key word here was "girls" plural. I am an only child. They also had aunts and uncles that gave a shit. I didn't even get a baby shower and I was food stamp poor and I asked  for one. Like those people were going to help me throw my mom a party. Then there is the part about money; I had none, I lived in Florida, and had a toddler. HELLO, Earth to mother! Plus one of those girls were older than me and the other was closer to my age and they were LOCAL. 

What was I suppose to do? I was struggling to feed the dog my dad bought me, the kid I was raising, and was in the red every single month. She laid that guilt n heavy and thick. When I got angry she told my dad bullshit and he called me to tell me to be nice to my mother, blah blah blah. I heard it before. I was now the bad guy from looney Larry's outburst that she conveniently made sure was done in private. This was my childhood, by the way. It only got worse when I moved away. She saved up her daily snide remarks for cruel emails and hateful phone calls from work where my dad couldn't hear or see what she said. She would then print my angry reply to show him how cruel I was.

I digress, sorry, anyhow I was thinking about this today. I think I'm angry with her. I seriously angry. She was an evil bitch that played the sweet loving part. She laughed all the time and was simple a vile evil mouthed woman that preyed on my happiness. 

I knew she was dying even before she got sick. I told my husband this because she kept asking me if I thought she was a good mother. Guilt of her terrible controlling and manipulating ways were haunting her. I would get off the phone reassuring her she was a good mom and look and my husband and say, "she is dying and trying to make amends for being such an ass." 

I tried telling my dad once and I saw it was too painful for him to realize the woman he thought he was married too wasn't what she said she was. He knew I was telling the truth. I could see it in his eyes but he played her part anyways. Now I think it was because he didn't know what to do. 

I not sure how to heal from this but at least from this point on I know I am angry still at my mom.

She played head games with me. She was deceitful. She WAS the brat. She was rude. Up until her last breath she never once said sorry, never once told us she was dying, she never once told up she had emphysema. She even got mad at me because I would bring her cookies and chocolate to a raging diabetic in the hospital. This was when they were trying to get her better. She wanted to go and she went down in a  full spectacular show. It was terrible and I was alone to see. I alone keep the secret from my dad what she was really like. Again I'm left with the thoughts, "how dare you!"  

   

Big surprise...

Several months ago Camp Gaea sent out its flyer for the Goddess Gathering. It's a male free environment. All heavy lifting and "manly" work completed by strong manly women. It's a safe place to let your boobs down and your hair to stick up. Women forgo the makeup and niceties that society expect from us. It is a wonderful experience when shared with friends. 

My friend got her flyer. For months I've heard how we are going. " buy your ticket, we are going." She even told me she invited some more people and they were excited. Then she asked if I bought my ticket and I said no. She told me not to she was paying for me because I paid for me last time. 

My husband asked if I had signed up. I said no. He thought I was crazy not to. We are talking about married women with commitment issues. I was not going to buy a ticket until the day I got there. 

Couple days ago she lets me know she has to cancel. Her husband booked a hotel for the same weekend for their anniversary. Her anniversary is a couple weeks before mine which is August 21. Their trip is the third week in September. 

I knew it. I knew she would back out. She has yet went on a field trip we had planned or come to a gathering I have planned. She always finds a way out unless you beg and cajole. I am done playing those games with people. I want fun people that are committed to their word. I can understand issues come up but that was not an issue. That was rude. 

Hair cut

Yesterday I got my hair cut short. Really short. My friend said she has never seen my hair this short. I reminded her I Shaved my head after my mother died 2 years ago. I went from middle of my back hair to none. She said she didn't remember that. 

My husband gets home from work and says he hasn't seen my hair this short since he was in the Navy. What? He hasn't been in the navy for over a decade. In that time I've had my hair short, very short, several times. I then reminded him of me shaving it after my mom died. It was the most surreal moment. It's like I walked into the twilight zone. No one seems to remember me with short hair. 

Did I fall out of this dimension only to fall back in place with a different memory of a different time line? 

I sometimes feel completely invisible. The hair cut they don't remember just clenched it.