The failed adoption left a bad taste in papa bears mouth and since he holds all the funds, said no more. Yet, I was told how he wished he had more children. Talk about fucking guilt trip. Did I mention how I asked him to step up to the plate to help prevent unwanted pregnancy when I had my hands full? Just checking. Anyhow, here I am, and have been wanting more children. Tonight I cornered Mr Vague and Dr. Change the Subject and told him I wanted a straight answer. It was the dreaded NO.
Did I cry? Buckets of sloppy snot filled tears, hell yes, I cried. I cried for the lost chance and the shakes new beginning. I'm scared, rightly so. I'm going into something I've barely scratched the surface of when I was just a kid; the work force.
My completely unaware and insensitive husband told me he was scared when he went to boot camp but one step at a time he made it. Oh, let's give him a fucking medal. He signed up at 17 and unless he wanted to do drugs he was locked into that contract if he liked it or not. There was no baby steps. Give me a fucking break. He went in and was told what to do and when. They gave him an education and a guaranteed job. When he left the military he went straight into the job he has now based n the training the military gave him. Not only that he was a honorably discharged veteran with 5 years experience under his belt.
What did I do during that time? I worked at odd jobs here and there in retail until we moved to the east coast. Then I did nothing until I got pregnant. Then I got pregnant 3 months later after my miscarriage. I then became a full time mom. We moved back home and had number 2 and then had number 3 just 23 months later. In my 20 years of marriage I've not worked since he left for boot camp which was 2 weeks after we got married.
Since then I've looked for part time work. Walmart, Outback, Applebee's, Whole Foods, and temp agencies. I couldn't work for any of those places because of various ridiculous reasons. One said it was because it had been so long since I had worked, didn't have a degree (to answer phones), I was a stay at home mom and they didn't think I could handle the stress of waiting tables, I didn't have 2 years experience. That 2 years experience was the biggie. That came up a lot, then college, then the misconception stay at home moms are lazy asses.
Seriously, I couldn't get a job at shitty restaurants and big box department stores. Then I hear my husband say, " you can do anything you want." Oh, can I go back to school? (Did you hear the chirping crickets in the silence, I did)
I have a part time job now. I'm building boxes in a warehouse in a questionable work environment were my MIL got me a job. My husband gave me the, " you can't expect to start at the top." Bullshit speech. Uh, no, I didn't expect top. It's the fact I'm almost 40 and I'm building boxes to ship crap out and a woman covered in tattoos and piercings is talking to me like I'm an idiot. That I'm sitting there and there conversations are nothing like what I talk about and they ALL looked disgusted when I wouldn't go on a smoke break with them to eat Pringles and drink a Big Gulp. I ate an organic apple and drank hibiscus tea and tried to talk about a book that only one person had heard of and totally missed the meaning of the book. No, I didn't expect top dog, but I didn't expect this either. Meanwhile, the 21 year old drama teacher I hire for my kids gets hired on as customer service. The position I asked for for over a year. Beggars can't be....well, you know.
It rubs me the wrong way when my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable. Is it really unreasonable to request money for school when people are asking for a degree? He is clueless what I am up against. I've been told not to interfere with his schedule. That means his work takes priority. He's not getting off so I can get to a job. If I have to pay for a sitter then what is the point of getting a job when I make so little as it is. I've felt like I've been in a losing situation for years. I can't ask him to get off so I don't make plans. I don't make plans so I don't get to do anything. I don't do anything and people get the idea I don't like doing things. I get a sitter then I am out of my meager allowance. I get a free sitter, aka MIL, and I hear complaints about when am I going to be home. So, really, why bother?
That has been my philosophy for years, a couple decades practically. It's getting old. I'm bored. I bored and even more bored with the idea of building boxes and I have only worked one day.
The question now is what am I going to do. I've gotten the final word of no more kids unless they are biological and it's not happening, period, so that is out. My kids are older and able to stay home together for a bit without me, this means I can work. I'm going to work to have money to spend on myself. My husband asked me what I wanted to do and I didn't have an answer. I guess I'll keep building boxes and not go on smoke breaks and take, those so called, baby steps.
Unfortunately, for my husband, I have an involuntary scowl and squinty eyes when our eyes meet.
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