Soul Searching

I've renewed my soul searching party. I'm in need of a rescue. I didn't realize this for a couple years. I a slow learner, I suppose. I'm at least too stubborn to recognize my own needs or wrapped up in others needs. Either way, I'm finally seeing I need SOMETHING positive in my life. I need more happiness. I need more smiles. I need more warmth. I need more inner peace and love. I need more people.

Before my mom got sick I was journeying along with my husband, his request, to see about Yogananda's Self-Realization Fellowship. We got into an argument about the teachings and I quit. This upset my husband. I enjoy the chanting kirtans with ISKCON folks but many of their ways don't jive with me either. Cannot stand the Abraham religions either. I not really a religionist. I like aspects of the spiritual practice but not all the dogma. Because of this I miss out on the community aspect. 

When my mom died I lost it. I hated everybody. Atheist, Christians, you name it, if you had an agenda I hated you. I quit going to kirtans, I quit chanting, I was mad as hell and sadder than I ever have been before. 

A year later on a whim I joined the local yoga teacher training program. A year long study of yoga. I thought this would only be poses and such. It turns out I learned chants in Sanskrit ( which a coupe I ROCK) and philosophy and many other spiritual nuggets. My heart softened. The yoga school was exactly what I needed. Great people, great exercise, gentle information, and time to think and let it all sink in. 

During this same time I was trying out Buddhism. I think the idea of Buddhism is great but I discovered it was really a bunch of religious haters the were cynical and grumpy. What I was trying to escape from myself. They were great big shiny mirrors. I needed that, not a lot, just enough to wake my ass up!

Anyhow, here I am, two years since my mom died and graduated from yoga school and I'm back to finding myself once more.  Tonight my husband asked for date night to be at the meditation service at the semi-local SRF facility/church. I agreed. Not sure where this is all going. Still not sure I believe in God. Still a little cynical. I like to think I'm keeping an open mind but I think there are some speed bumps and road blocks up ahead. 

I think it's safe to say that Soul Searching should come with warning shirts and banners for family and friends. "Warning this person is attempting to find themselves. They are going to have erratic and weird behaviors, ideas, and new friends during this process."