Rambling....

When does the other shoe drop and you throw in the towel?

When do you tell someone to "bug off?"

When do you accept someone as they are? 

How far down the rabbit hole is to far?

How can you have your cake and eat it too?

If you can't change someone and you need them too to be in your life then what is the straw that breaks the camel's back? 

Who is to blame?

How can you help the clueless to get a clue? 

All these questions and more will be answered in the next episode of Soap.

Weight loss

Lost 4.4 pounds so far. It's not been easy. I'm working out way more than usual to get this off. I'm committed to change. I'm sticking with it. I'm happy I actually have something to show for it. Last week I didn't lose but didn't gain either. It was a mixed feeling week. 

Off to yoga class. Ciao

School

I'm looking into sending my kids to homeschool academies. What is that? That, my friend, is a school that meets once, no more than three, times a week. Currently J2 and Z are going to a Waldorf class once a week. That is 4 hours of instruction on various topics. Z can go for another 2 years. This is J2s only year he can go. 

My hubby likes the idea of them going to a homeschool academy except the fact it is Christian. I mulled it around and I know, KNOW, my boys are not ready for traditional school. Z needs it because he refuses to join anything, try anything, do anything other than video games. He's not willing to meet people, etc... Next week he's going to start a once a week school. It's all day. He will cover all the subjects like traditional school. I'm guessing it will be a struggle but it's only once a week. If all goes well he can stay there for another 2 years before moving on to the 3 day a week school. 

The other school, where J2 might go, is 3 days a week, full days, and is a college prep. We are going to tour both schools this week. I'm just going to bite my tongue on huge Christian thing. They need this and I need this too.

Denial is not a river in Egypt

My husband likes to think of himself as an open kind of guy. He likes to think he is a hip cat that can handle me being around straight men. I know differently. He is not a hip cat. He's a scared cat. Last night was a shining example. See, my husband and I have a great sex life. It's active and fun. We are not your typical missionary only do nothing but traditional sex modes kind of folks. We spice it up and have fun. YET, my hubby feels it nessisary to sound sex starved when other men are around and I'm there. He makes me sound like a prudish fuddy duddy. Last night someone says, " oh looks like someone is getting some tonight." His reply? "Oh, no. She'll have a headache." What the hell? Threatened much? One, I never play games like that. I only say no when I really do feel ill. If I say no because I'm not ill it's because I'm mad and I tell him. No games. Period. My jaw dropped upon hearing that. I was outed as a prude, everybody gasped and giggled in horror, and I was hurt. He doesn't get it. I know, unconsciously, he said that because he felt threatened. He doesn't want others to see I'm a sexual being and take me away from him, but it hurt nonetheless. Hurt even more when he had it not only last night but this morning as well. He better not try to sabotage my work I'm going intof selling sex toys. We'll have words over that. Hell, we had words over this. Sigh. I still love him, even so....

Criticism; when is it appropriate?

First, I want to be sure this is not a husband bashing post. My husband is a great man. Period. We do disagree, we are human. We, neither one of us, are perfect. We make mistakes in the relationship. The fact we've made it 20 years is a testament we are not quitters with life gets rough. Could we improve? I know I can and at the moment, I wish he would. 

I paint. Not walls but canvas. I use Golden brand acrylics almost exclusively. Even though I've only gotten $30.00 for one small painting and bartered others off for various reasons, I still look AT&T his as my job. It's work I love. The problem lies when I show my husband a painting. He always sucks in his air, like someone trying to keep from letting his negative thoughts out, and then sits silently holding that breathe for a long while before letting it go and saying something less than nice but not entirely mean. 

Last night I finished a painting I've been working on for a long time. I don't paint around him so I have to wait until he is at work and I have the time to devote so much time tinkering and touch up and adding layers of paint for hours. I digress, so, he came home and I plopped the painting in front of him. He did the breathe and squinted and sat silent until he uddered the words, "it's nice, BUT he looks like he is wearing make-up." His face said it all, "I don't like it." I grabbed the painting and said, "I never should have shown you, you never like any of my work." Then he sat there with a blank stare and after a while said, "that's not true." But his face still said something else. I walked off. Later I told him I wished he was my biggest fan and he stared again. He's not a liar and he can't do a poker face with me to save his life. He gave me, "you're creative." Speech later.  It felt like he was saying, " but I don't like it." Without saying it. 

My expectations are hurt more than anything. I just thought he would want to build me up like I try to do for him when he works on something. I don't want him to lie, I just wish that love for my work was there in his heart. It's not and that is what saddens mine. When he said, "what do you want me to say?" I felt horrible. I'm not about to tell him what to say. That wouldn't be honest and that wouldn't make me feel any better knowing I told him what to say and how to say it. 

The end result was my excitement over my own work waned and I feel less than creative today. Disappointed.

Haters gonna hate.....

This past week has been interesting, to say the least, about my diet and exercise. 

I'll just sa y it, I totally bombed yesterday. I'm ok with that because I'm not going to have guilt about it. It's not everyday I have people over and drink wine, dried liquor soaked fruits, and eat lots of dark chocolate. Yum! 

The haters part comes from earlier in the week. I've not been blaring I'm dieting to every person I meet. I quietly decline foods and the such without much fanfare. It's easy because of my allergies. I thought I would at least tell my mother in law and sister in law as we were catching up. My. MIL actually yelled at me to stop doing weight watchers because they are a starvation diet and I'll get tired of eating like that and gain all my weight back and they don't let you've fat in your diet. Seriously? I'm doing something different, something to better myself and I get that? I'm still pissed. She is mean. Always mean, forever cold, and never thinking what she says will be of any consequence to her relationships. I was hurt. Conversation killer enemy number one.  Opinionated old bat! She didn't stop there with her uncouth rudeness but it wasn't about dieting so I'll not list my grocery list of grievances here.

The other issue was my friend. We have to rewind a bit to a few months before. She got a gym membership and got a trainer, then another trainer, and was working out so much I was worried about her. I even told my husband. I didn't tell her to stop. I just listened and let her be. Even though she was tired all the time, she never did anything but work out. She was even getting cold sores from her body being stressed. She was always sore and always miserable and still complained she was fat. She's not, by the way, she's skinny, very skinny. Tiny little butt. Anyhow, I hadn't seen her in a long time because of her crazy workout schedule. I finally had time to talk to her and told her I joined a new gym and had a new trainer and was going on in my fitness world. I got the don't do it from her too. What the hell? She started telling me her horror story and how her cortisol levels were off the charts and on and on. Uh, one difference, I don't let the trainer bully me into half killing myself. I do what I want when I want and the trainer checks in to see how I'm doing. I'm enjoying myself and feel good, not miserable. 

I think what we have here is two opinionated people. I'm guilty of that too. I'm learning though it's best not to share, especially with these types of folks. It's sad that they can't trust my decision about my own body and health. Do I really look like the flighty type? The type that falls into every gimmick around? It saddens me that I can't talk about this with some people. It really closes the door on relationships when your opinions are so vocal you scream, as with my mother in law, and it really hard to share exercise tips with someone that has closed the door on another way because they over did it before their body was ready. 

Humans, what are we good for? 

Family secrets....

When you're a child you are in a blissful unknowing and you don't realize how protected your really are until you grow up. I remember the shock when my grandmother cursed in front of me for the first time. I didn't know she knew bad words. I was dumbfounded. The time I found illegal drugs in the home of a police officer I was babysitting for. The time I heard about my mom being intimate with another man or how she tried cocaine. The list, I thought was compete. I knew my. Dad was married before, I knew my grandpa went to the Battle of the Bulge and saw horrific things. I knew family members were drunks. I knew many things as an older child. 

This week I discovered even more things. Not anything good either. I was slammed with info that made my gut wrench and my heart heavy with sadness. It was info that made everything else make sense. 

My aunt told me how her dad, my grandpa, accidently killed his nephew. My grandfather was 5 his nephew was 3. His brother, the father of the 3 yr old, set a loaded pistol on the bed and walked out of the room. The 3 yr old tried to shoot but wasn't strong enough so my grandpa had a try. 

The next bit of info came from my father. He told me about my mothers side of the family. A little back ground here; my husband accuses me of pushing my family away. Now, I don't disagree about not missing them but I do not push them away. I just don't take an active role in visiting them. They never call, they never text, they never FB message me, they never reply when I comment or send a message in FB. They never say happy birthday, they never ask me over for holidays. Nothing. I wish I had a big family to spend time with but I don't miss their kind of visits. Growing up every single visit was marred by one or all of the following; crying, drunks, fighting and yelling, and rudeness. My dad would drink one 7 and 7 before going for a visit. Once it noticed the pattern I asked him why because he never did that when we went to see his family. He said he needed a little something. That's all he would say. What I now know was he was self soothing before the storm. A way to weather the storm without falling apart. My folks were the anchors. My aunt, drunk, always had a new man that was abusive and a drunk. My grandma was always in a pensive, melancholy, and disturbing mood. Always dying, always wanting to die, and drifting off in thoughts murmurs. My cousins were rude and mean to me, well, everybody. Total snots. My grandpa barked orders and yelled all the time. Many of my birthdays ruined by them, many events, period, were ruined by them. 

It all made sense when my dad told me that on his second date with my momhe found my mom with 2 black eyes. My grandpa had beat her up. He didn't want her across street. She was over 18. A legal woman. 

My grandpa was physically abusive. It all made sense. Grandma always wanting to die. Always meek. Always sad. Always miserable. My mom, oh she was a whack job at times, and my aunt. Man after abusive man. My dad used to yell about how my mom was on a self destruct suicide mission. Gee, I wonder why. She never got any help. Ever. EVER. It was a sign of weakness. I know, I was told that many times. You don't take meds, you don't talk to shrinks, you deal with it. 

So she dealt with it. 

I'm glad I know these things because it makes sense but a part of me wishes for the bliss of the unknown. Also, angry with my mom making me stay with grandpa growing up from the time I was 3 until 13 every summer and before school. He wasn't nice, ever. She said she wanted him to shake the shyness out of me. Oh, brilliant plan, mom. Leave me with an abusive person for 10 yrs, yeah, that was helpful in my development. Grand plan there! 

Tracking weight day 1

This time last week, on a whim, I pulled out the scale. I gasped. I had gained weight from the last time I looked. I fell into an instant deep depression. I was self loathing. I was angry. I was confused. 

Sometime in the evening I read an article in my Facebook feed about the yearly rating of diets. I clicked through all the diets and I landed on Weight Watchers. I thought about it. My mom lost a ton of weight when she was on it. She was tiny. She quit because she got tired of eating healthy. Her exact words, "I'm tired of only eating vegetables."  This was code she was hungry for mega bowls of ice cream, candy, etc...

My mother hated to eat healthy. She was convinced there was no flavor to it. "Rabbit food." No Miracle Whip, no Cheez Whiz, no way. 

In the time she was doing her diet I was exposed to vegetables. I loved them. I grew into a foodie after real food after her stint with WW. I was her worse nightmare. I bitched about margarine, salt, sugar. I wanted veggies, fresh and not canned. Until the day she died she hated my cooking. She always said it was bland. Everybody else said it was her 40 years of smoking and her MSG consumption. I thought she was a pain in the ass. 

I digress. I looked at the WW website. They had an anonymous online program. This appealed to me. Last time I had joined I walked into a meeting in Johnson County and all these skinny women were sitting in the meeting. They wanted to lose that last 10 pounds and needed help. Then on top of it all I gained 10 pounds the first 2 weeks. I had just had a baby, too. I really should not have been there. I felt discouraged with all these skinny middle aged ladies all worried about a measly 10 pounds. 

I decided if it didn't work, I would only be out my $19 for a month and I would hang up my weight loss hat for good and just keep going with exercise and eating how I already do.

This is my first weight check in and I lost 3.4 pounds. I'm actually surprised because I was given a ton of food to eat. I was usually very full. I realized my biggest issue was my snacking. I get hungry and snack instead I need to cook sooner and eat not wait until I'm half starved off to make a meal.

I'm taking this as a learning experience not as a diet. I'm looking at this as a health benefit not a looks benefit. I'm taking this one month, one week, and one day at a time. 

3.4 lbs yay for me

Day 4

In the diet you are encouraged to eat all your daily points so your body doesn't think it's starving and shut down weight loss. I'm having trouble eating all those points because your biggest point snatchers come from food I do not eat or eat little of, as in dairy (not at all) and meat (very little). I also don't do a lot of sugar products and that is a big point item as well. You take away those things, the typical American diet staples, and your left with grains (which I adore) and oils (yum yum). There is that avocado lurking around that uses a lot of points because it's fatty, yum. 

When you get down to my typical day it's veggies, fruit a couple times, carbs. I can only eat so many carbs because I will get bloated. I don't do too much fruit because of the sugar. I tried a candy last night, because I had enough points left for a small meal, and my caramels were one point each because they were made with coconut milk. I couldn't even be sinful with candy! 

They ask you not to weight yourself until your check in day and that is Tuesday for me. In two days I will see if this diet is working or not. In the meantime I will enjoy my yellow bell pepper, onion, and cilantro stir fry topped with kimchi on a bed of rice. 

Day 2 of diet...

It's no secret I struggle with my weight. I have my whole life. Last few years I refused diets because it only caused the cursed yo-yo problems. I am tired of the weight not coming off. I exercise. I eat right. What am I missing? What was I doing wrong? What was I doing right?

I decided that I needed help. I didn't want to got I meetings. I didn't want something hard to follow. I don't want special foods, my weird diet requirements is enough of an issue. I didn't want drugs nor shakes and supplements. I wanted real food. I decided on Weight Watchers. They have an online program that gives me calculators, tracking devices for food and exercise. I get so many points a day and I log in what I eat, my normal food, then I earn points for exercising as well that can be used for food if I get enough. It's simple. No stress. I'm not hungry and I'm not fussing over special ridiculous foods I don't like. I have made some modifications. Instead of spaghetti squash alone I added broccoli and pour red sauce over it. I was very full. I'm noticing I'm eating far more veggies than I was before. I was getting lazy with eating crackers instead of a carrot stick. I've noticed I had to stop myself from dipping my hand into the kids corn chips while they munched away. Instead I go in and make a cup of coffee and sweeten it with stevia, a point free food, and I go read my book. I weigh myself next Tuesday. Then we will see what the result of diet is next week.