Women

At the age of 35 I assumed the women around me would have matured more than they have. I am utterly amazed at the lack of inner work people do not do. They read some scripture or other wise sage advice from some dead guru and then all of a sudden they are "healed" and all grown up. They spout off what they have read as if they have made it part of themselves, yet still go ballistic and have tantrums of ridiculous proportions over miniscule events.

I wonder now if many of us ever truly grow-up. I wonder, also, what it means to grow-up. Some people would say it is your age. But like I have said before, I know a lot of little kids that are doctors, lawyers, pilots, and postal workers. Age doesn't mean anything. Age is a number set forth to measure how long you have been alive not how mature you are!

It takes a lot to mature. I am still working on it. What amazes me the amount of people unaware they need to work on it. They passively wait or assume they are because of that farcical number. Some people get that age is a number. My grandmother use to say, "You are only as old as you feel." Yet nothing was ever mentioned about maturity in a positive light. Maturity was something you did not have when you were throwing a tantrum. I heard from adults all around me when another adult acted inappropriately to a situation, "He/She needs to grow-up and stop acting like a baby." Though no one ever talked about how to grow-up. It was just expected you would.

What I gathered as growing older was you were to watch more TV, not go out and socialize, give up sex, give up joy, and go ahead and die because you have nothing else to live for. That is what I see others doing as well. If not that they go the other extreme and think that getting older is a license to party extensively. The major issue with both these issues are they still have not matured inside their soul. They freak out over petty issues and at times ignoring the big ones.

What is the answer? I don't have one. All I know as a society we fail. We fail on an epic level of helping children grow into adults with a strong core and solid ground and a deep passion for living at the same time. We fail at teaching them how to let go of the petty and concentrate where the need is needed.

As a species we have failed and we need to grow-up as well. We only think we have, because of our age!

I am the teacher and the student....

Everyday i help my children learn new concepts and ideas. I am the teacher. Today I realized I am the student and this happened because my pants were tight!

Let me explain.

By having tight pants and knowing right away I was and have gained weight I had a light bulb moment. When I get stressed I don't over eat I under move. I get immobilized and paralyzed with fear and anger.
I am feeling stuck in the mud and unable to free myself. I have become a victim of my stress instead of being a victor from it.

I realized that I have been enlightened. I always thought I ate more when stressed but this would mean over time I would see a rise in food costs. I have actually lowered it. No, I just don't move. I become a deer in the headlights and let that stress just run me over.

I am  thinking this morning how to not let that happened. Affirmations for one and perhaps standing up for myself better.

The issues arise being an only child. I have no support group of siblings. I catch hell, all the hell, and have to deal with it. I have let my little frighten inner girl deal with it. Time to get some balls on and deal with it with my big girl panties on and stop shitting in my diaper!

The only issue I have now is how to be tactful without being hurtful. I so badly wanted to tell my mother on Thanksgiving to "Shut the fuck up! You are driving me crazy!" as she dictated every single little move I was to make in the kitchen, roll her eyes and make comments about me when I walked out of the when she lit her cigarette. I felt like yelling at her when she calls me to yell at me because I didn't do what she thought she said to do. "I am NOT a mind reader!"

Add this on to other "issues" that spring up from day to day and let me tell you I have let myself shut down. I didn't sign up for this, did I?  If you believe one set of beliefs this is out of our control, another says you are in total control and can change this, and another says you knew about this before birth and asked for this experience.

These are just beliefs and I tend to believe you can change this. How? That is what I am going to explore. But first I have to get moving and not let her cheerfully negative bossy dictatorial behavior bring me down no longer.

a new breed of woman

I feel a new breed of woman wailing and screaming to set free from within! I feel a stronger and more robust woman. I feel a woman with moxie. I feel a woman that will not back down. I feel a woman that can be all this and delicate as well. I feel the beast with a flower in its hair dancing to a beat that only it can hear. I feel the excitement and fear at the same time. Anguish and joy. Death of the old and birth of the new. Growing pains was experienced and have now left me to realize my own worth. I feel the shift. I can feel the movement. The woman warrior inside is chanting and waving a sword while the dwarf princess run and hides in the shrubs. This one being embodies night and day, hot and cold, lying and truth. All that is and ever will be is in this being. I am the being. I am ready. What is my mission?

sugar highs and shopping lows....its the holidays!

It's the holiday season. Shopping is in full gear. Sugar is being passed out on platters all across the country. People are hyped up and loaded on the swwet stuff and buying every stupid little trinket just because Jesus was born.

Wait. Why are we shopping for other people to celebrate another mans birth from 2010 years ago (give or take a few)?
Why do we load ourselves up with sugar products? Wasn't there a memo sent out about gluttony and greed? I got the memo. I will see if I remember what it said. Oh, yes, alright. It said something like, Gluttony is a sin. Eating copious amounts of deserts is not allowed because that is gluttony. Greed is a sin and writing out a 10 page list of objects you want and getting angry because you did not get them OR you when you push down little old ladies to buy the last TV then that is greed. Do not do this! Yes, I think it went something like that.

Anyhow, if there are so many Christians out there then why on earth do they celebrate this way? Why am I being a non-Christian celebrating it at all? How did we get sucked into this? Who started this mess? Yes, a mess! How many times did you buy something just because you felt obligated? Not because you wanted too?
We are pressured into playing the buying game. Just like the stores that. Have 2 ailse of candy for sale at Halloween. You are made to feel guilty if you decline. You are SUPPOSE to buy the candy. You are SUPPOSED to buy gifts for people you only see once a year or forced into a gift exchange of people you don't know or like. Tell me, where did we go wrong? When did this thinking begin?

Same goes for the fodder on the table. If you decline to eat the copious amounts of bad, very bad, for your health suagr you are looked at as being a weirdo. If you say no to your kids then you are simply evil.

I sometimes feel like I am in a FUN HOUSE and I am the only one not getting what is so fun. I feel like I am the only one that gets this is wrong while the rest are throwing rocks at me telling me I am a heritic!

Christians at war?

The following was from a  Facebook friend, someone I went to highschool with, posted the other day in her status along with an article link:

"Christians cannot be spiritual pacifists in this day and age. Maybe in the past, but not in these times. Jesus followers, we are at war!" 

Um, call me out on this if I am wrong, but wasn't Jesus a pacifist? Didn't he coin the term, "turn the other cheek?" Wasn't he the one that was for love and peace? I am so confused by what the meaning of a Christian is? Are they war mongering fighters, aka, terrorists? Or are they peace loving pacifists? 

I, for one, am disgusted with the Christian community that spout out hatred. Am I at war with them? No! I just wish they would shut up and go do their thing without rubbing my face in it. I have no desire to fight with anybody about what is wrong or right. I know what my beliefs are and I know they do not mesh with Christians at all. That is OK in my book, not in their 2 books, but OK in mine. I don't feel the need to war with them to get my point across. I don't need to take up terrorism to feel secure in my insecurity. 

Can you not be a peaceful Christian that prays for my "damned" soul at home without trying ever so desperately to drag me and my family into a fictional war in your brain?

Do you not have something better to do? I know feed the poor, shelter animals, take care of the meek? Save some people from drugs or abuse? Do some good out there where it is needed and stop drumming up the need to be at war with something or someone because they do not share you belief. Let it go and get on with your life. I am!

Day 2 of no facebook

Today I was kept busy with other thoughts. I had an email that lead to a phone call that lead to more phone calls that lead to chasing down my husband. I am sitting here in limbo right now. A bit Jimmy Cliff-ness tonight. I will disclose more info later about the phone calls.

I was so preoccupied with that and the usual homeschooling not to mention a special make up fencing class for Jonah, James and his guitar lesson, and picking up the van from the shop. After I came home I was no longered preoccupied and found myself in want of some friendly banter with my FB pals. I did refrain, somewhat. I posted a video of Eddie Murphy.

There you have it. I did not post a status nor comment on FB. I only posted a YouTube video.

Until next time....tootles!

Day 1 of no Facebook

Today I posted not one status. I did send one message on someones wall because I had no other way to tell her I was coming Friday. That was it. What I have learned is I have a pretty lonely life without my pals saying "hello" in some fashion during my day. It has been a dull day. I actually found myself staring out a window in a rather pensive mood. Withdrawls? Not really. It wasn't like I was sitting in front of the computer trying to resist the urge. I was just wishing those people could be transported by Scotty to my living room. I could use the companionship. That was my great epiphany today, lonely. Not a real cheerful sunshiny feeling. Nope, no fireworks or rainbows here. Just gray skies, a cloud, and a poor old donkey that lost his tail.

To be or not to be....

The question here is: Can someone be to old for a crush? I am serious. Stop laughing. Ok, giggle a little. Does that schoolgirl ever really grow up? I am 35 and thinking, "Gosh, am I ever going to stop having crushes?"
It sounds silly when I say it out loud. I sounds worse admitting it here. Scary as well. What if the crush read this? I am doomed. Doomed I tell ya. Forever locked in my room red with girlish embarrassment. Why? 1. I am married with kids 2. Fear of rejection and 3. He will discover my inability to spell well without a spell checker! Oh the misery of it all!

Who said we can't have crushes anymore? Who said we can't cuddle in the corner of our mind with another? Hell, who said we can't do it for real? Life is really short and we, as a society, squander our time feeling guilty making up stupid rules. We want everybody to fit into a little box.

I wonder if we would have ever felt jealousy if we have never been taught that? Do you ever think about life in those terms? I do. I wonder all the time if my emotions are sparked or ignored because of how society views them. If my husband was to have sex with another person society would expect me to get angry. If my husband forgets piddly things day after day after day I am expected to "be nice" and do it myself and not to complain because "at least he is at home with you and not having an affair!"

Well if he was having an affair he would probably feel guilty about it and take out the trash the first time! Point being is that if I cry or bitch about a constant disregard of domestic help then I am labeled a nag, a bitch, and told to "do it yourself."
If it is an affair the I am allowed to do whatever it takes to get the pain out.

That is a society based emotions and expectations. Having a crush, in my mind, would be considered by most as being unacceptable and the same as an affair. HOGWASH! First of all my husband is plenty aware of my crushes, yes, more than one. He does not take offence nor worry if I love him. He knows I am flighty.

What am I getting at? I don't know, I suppose I am coming out of the closet. The crush closet and no man nor woman is safe!
I am out there thinking about you and I don't feel guilty about it either!

Traditions

I loathe empty pointless traditions. I can no longer hold back my disgust about it. On Thanksgiving we have to have a turkey, why? We have to have mashed potatoes, why? We have to have green beans casserole with fried onions on top, why? We have to have pie after pie after pie, why? Do we really need stuffing AND rolls?
Do we really need to buy yet another can of jelly cranberry glop that ends up molding in the fridge?

Why can't we get back to the real reason of thanksgiving. It was to come together in harmony. There was no preparation other than cooking what you were bringing. The pilgrims and the Natives came together and shared a meal. They had fowl, deer, fish, pickled foods, and fresh herbs.

They did not call each other up hounding them about what are you going to bring. They did not tell others, "oh don't bring that, who eats THAT on Thanksgiving!"

No they came together in true harmony and shared a meal of goodwill. It was from the heart.

My Thanksgiving has not been from the heart my entire life. You play a game of "bring this, not that."
You then sit and watch everybody avoid the item you brought because "you eat weird."
Then you get asked the next year to bring a dish only to have the family say, "oh well I am buying.." after you have already bought the ingredients.

I am bah-humbug. Very much so. I am not appreciated in what I bring to the table. I don't get excited about being ordered around and thinking about and stressing over a meal that is suppose to be about THANKS.

I am thankful when the meal is over and I can come home.

Then I can begin thinking about the next two major food holidays us non-Christians participate in, Christmas and Easter. Thank God the next big one is in July, Independence day! I get a few months to avoid "Traditions!"

Happy? Holidays!

I would like to know who invented the catch phrase "happy holidays?"
I am sure it was a man oblivious to the ways of holiday traditions within the family unit. This man never had to deal with a matriarch. They only had to show up, eat, and fall asleep. Nothing more was expected from them than that. Come in, eat, and sleep. Every holiday is the same for them. Come in, eat, and sleep. They are not dashing around the grocery store banging carts with strangers and yelling out quick apologies while on the move. They don't have phone call after phone call of menu planning and discussion. They don't have the issue of nagging question, "what are you going to bring?" Over and over for month in a half before hand. Never do they hang up from the phone and sigh because what you said you were going to bring was shot down by the hostess, that all wielding power of the kitchen witch!

Nay, they start cooking 2 days before the actual day, scrambling around in the kitchen like a drop of water in a hot pan, and feeling the pressure to perform for the most judgmental people in the world, the family! Come in, eat, and sleep. Nay do they stand in the kitchen of the matriarch to be bark at with orders of "do this, not that, and clean up that mess" as you pull out pans, pots, spoons, and scavenge through someone else's kitchen looking for things in places you would never go any other time of the year. Nay do they sweat, grunt, and burn their skin. Nay do their eyes water from chopping onions. Nay do their feet hurt, back ache, and feel dehydrated. Nay do they yell at the kids to get out of the kitchen and be sociable with a terribly fake smile on their face while carrying on small talk with people you see three times a year. Nay, do their menu options that they did not slave over get criticized and dissected by the court of food jesters called family. They don't hear the snide comments, the whispers of disgust, and the wrinkled noses from the jesters of the food court. They only need to come in, eat, and sleep. They did not have to interact with the kitchen witch and they did not have to clean up.
 Happy Holidays to you!


I think it would only be fair to cancel such proceedings (holidays) until such time the men and women, in my family that think I am a bitch around the holidays, look deep within themselves and see what incredible pains in the asses they are!

I am from this point on not listening to anything and will bring what I damn well please and if you have snide ugly remarks go home and write them down on a piece of paper and EAT IT!

Then we can all enjoy a happy holiday together!

To Pat Robertson

Poking around on the internet and I found this quote:

Pat Robertson:

What Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is doing to evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.

Interview with Molly Ivins, 1993. Quoted from Democratic Underground

Tell me what American liberals are committing mass murder to Christians? Skinning, Gassing, Enslaving and starving women, children, men, and the disabled for the heck of it? Pat Robertson, if anything, you and your cronies are to blame for your own so called persecutions. Violence follows your followers. More blood shed has been committed in the name of the Lord than any other reason. Homosexuals do not want to destroy you and your faith with your myth. They only want you to leave them the fuck alone and let them have the SAME civil rights you get for being a "straight" white male. Not any different than a black man asking for civil rights like a white man enjoys unknowingly. 

Your intolerance, your flaming hatred, your fear, and your obvious disbelief in your own "steadfast" faith has you quivering and cowering like a cornered injured animal. You think you need to fight not realizing the person there is there to pick you up and help you, but instead you bite the fingers of the hand reaching out. 

What would Jesus do?

I am sure he would forgive you but be sure to call you out for being a total ass.

Jesus would hug his gay friends and lead them to the promise land of milk and honey. He would tell you to put down your stones and befriend them.

He would tell you this was not for you to judge and tell you to back off.

With your blind hatred and venomous words you have turned people off to God and Jesus and religion all together. You have created the monster you call Liberals. You created the hatred and persecution you feel. You are feeling and seeing the shadow that you schlep along with yourself, unknowingly. 

neither will they say, 'Look, here!' or, 'Look, there!' for behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.

 Luke 17:21

You are so busy looking out there. While looking for someone to blame for your unhappiness you have missed the boat completely. You blame all your woes on the devil, homosexuals, non-Christians, and liberals. Never once have you taken a long hard look at yourself and saw that the Kingdom of God is within you and you are the cause of ALL your woes.

Stop blaming me, my friends, and my beliefs for ruining your day. Be responsible and be a man. Own up to your shit and start by being nice, peaceful, not casting the first stone, and try to be something Jesus would approve of as a good follower. Pat, try on nice, loving, and respectful fearless wardrobe and tell me how lovely it feels. You cannot change the style by wearing the same old clothes Emperor. You must put on something new!  You draw more bees with honey than shit. What have you got to lose?

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

Mahatma Gandhi
Indian political and spiritual leader (1869 - 1948)

What is work?

As many of you know I am now heading into my 3rd week of hell with regards to getting a geothermal heat pump installed. I have had a variety of men out here working. I have had diggers, installers, more diggers, managers, grunts, and in all I have had a pleasant experience with most of them, even if I felt they were lacking in skills, motivation, or a simple non-achiever type personality that has no critical thinking skills. In all they were nice men. I did have one of those moments during a conversation that I looked at the man with complete disbelief  to what he actually said to me. It was one of those moments where you know if it were legal you would club his head like a baby seal. I was so disgusted I ended the conversation and came inside. He in all his simpleton self never relaxed he had offended me. What can you do in a situation like that?  The man was telling me about his wife's job and how much he liked the perks she received. He told me how much she likes her job as well. The conversation did not turn sour until he said to me, "I am glad I have a wife that wants to work and likes to work and I don't have to worry about that."

There was this awkward silence as I stared at him thinking he would realize what an asinine remark he had just made. My husband has worked with this man on and off for over ten years. This man is KING of the Freudian slip. He has no filter available. It never developed before birth. I knew that remark was directed at me. He has made remarks in the past about me not working. As I stood there looking into his face with my tense "stupid ignorant fucker" face all scrunched and squinty eyes he kept on talking.  That is when I changed the subject and went inside. I was going to offer him food or drink but that would require hospitality and I had none left. I was all out!

I know his wife. She is nice, but (there is always a but) she told me herself she never cooks, and he does all the cleaning. I know she is a shop-a-holic and quite the social butterfly. These are not bad traits mind you but when comparing fruit you should make sure you are not trying to compare apples to oranges. She has a "job" but I don't consider sitting at a desk, playing bingo, shopping, and not cooking your meals "work."

It was a slap in the face. A complete disregard to what I do everyday as not being work. Let me take his pampered kept wife and have her shovel chicken shit, burn a field, bury dead chickens, wash poop off eggs, tend a garden, mow, pull weeds, clean the house, make home cooked meals from scratch (not a mix or box), make yogurt, meat stocks/broth, kefir, mayo, and other goodies. Lets have her do several loads of laundry a day. Homeschool the children and chauffeur them to various lessons and playgroups. Have her tend to the feeding, watering, and cleaning up after 3 boys, 2 dogs, and 3 cats, and poultry and do this all without her husband helping or even being there then we can compare who works and who doesn't.