ADHD

It's been a while since I've written on this blog and most of my followers have vanished since my hiatus. It actually feels good not being known. I like to compare myself to a little roly-poly bug under a rock. It's not my style, really, to be flashy and in your face. I'm the one, as a little girl that sat in the back of the class, whispered to the teacher in her ear, and sat in my room alone.

I was also the one that sat at her desk and was completely absorbed in my thoughts. I rarely listened to my teachers. I was the perpetual daydreamer. Always off in la-la land. I would hear my teacher begin talking to the class and soon I was off in a distant land of unknown origins. I would always lie to my mother and tell her I was thinking of a celebrity. I wasn't but she believed that better than, " nothing" and " I don't know." I was sucked into a tunnel vision. A lull. I was simply not there.

I was so happy when I graduated early from high school. I couldn't take that stifling place any longer. I spent several years avoiding school. I went back to school for a short stint when my children were very little. I did marginally well. I took ceramics, gym, art history online, and German. I noticed that I fell back into my old habits. I was very angry with myself. I spent much of the time zoning out and floating off to my place I hide when people talk. This was true for lecture time. During German I did well if we were speaking to each other. In ceramics I had my hands busy and and equally spacey teacher. Art history was pretty much n my terms and wasn't as big of an issue as German. Gym was easy, walk in and work out and leave. I still couldn't find time to listen, be present, and be as productive as I wanted to be in my head.

Fast forward several years to one preteen and 2 teens and what I'm doing now is yoga school.
I'm training to be a Yoga instructor. I sit in class and within a few minutes my teacher sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher, "wah wah wah."

I try to stay with it. I try to repeat the words I hear, in my head, to remember them. I change my position. I fidget. I doodle. I am distracted. I can hear the road noises, tummy gurgles, the cleaning lady in the building next door. I hear, see, smell, and feel everything around me. Then like a Mack truck hitting a hot dog on the road, I'm squished with the reality that no one else is having this trouble. They look content. They seem equip to answer the questions. They seem to know what we are talking bout and are able to engage in conversation. I stumble over words because I jump in to speak and realize later we've moved on from that subject and I'm just coming too from my hypnotic trance to give a response.

I hate learning with teachers, classes, peer groups, etc...
It is too stressful. In support type groups I'm very nervous because I know I'm suppose to listen but I can't. I do my best and I don't get it all. I'm not forgetful, I'm just not listening. My brain plays a childish game of " I can't hear you!" In almost every situation.

The other day I heard about ADHD in adults. I decided to look into it. I read some interesting literature on it. I even took a quiz to see if I might have it.

What I found while reading seemed to be pointing its bony finger in my face and screaming "you! You!"

One article said that Adults, mostly women, are misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I was once diagnosed with that but it didn't feel right. I'm not crazy. I just don't function like everybody else. The article said women go un-diagnosed for a long time because they hide it well and ADHD people tend to have high IQs. The older they get the harder it gets. The quiz was the kicker. After I took the quiz I felt like I finally had my answer. It all made sense. I'm not crazy, I'm not lazy, I just can't seem to process, organize, and concentrate the same. In the quiz it said a score of 12 was a highly probability of being ADHD. My score was a whopping 39 overall and 16 for hyperactivity/impulsiveness!

What do I do now? I don't know. I'm not taking drugs, that is for sure. I suppose this knowledge just let's me know not to beat myself up anymore. I'm not super woman and I'm not going to play one on TV.