Being woman

Pluck your eyebrows, wear make-up, don't wear that color, don't wear those shoes, put on a bra,  wear glasses it makes you look better, you'd be so pretty if you'd lose weight.... 

The comments about what I should and should not do with my body is endless. Well meaning sentiments by other women that think they are helping me are only tearing me down. Bit by bit, little chink here and a big chunk there. 

Then come the men. Oh, the men! They think they own you. You are property. An extension, a rib piece, of themselves. So indoctrinated in this belief that they can't even see it when they do or say something. They, not all but big majority, are clueless. 

Add this on to the fact that society as a whole are ok with the misogynic behavior. Much of it they don't see as being that. It's traditional behaviors that are so ingrained it's considered normal. 

It's exhausting being a woman. Men send you pictures of their dicks, get mad when you say you're not interested, women cut you down to the bone with a helpful unsolicited suggestion. You get paid less, you work more, you have to prove your worth, you have to bear the brunt of raising the children alone or mostly alone.... Then we are expected to open our legs and let men take our souls and use it for their pleasure with no regard about how we feel. 

All the while you do this with quiet rebelling. You refuse sex even though you are horny, you refuse to clean, make dinner, and sign many petitions in your favor to change laws that are against you. You raise boys to think differently. It has to get better, right?

Not fitting in is nothing new.

I don't fit in. I have no slot. I'm not a square peg that is trying to fit a round hole, nope, I'm a polyhedron trying to squeeze through a chink in the wall. I never really understood how different I am to the rest of huge population until now. It's not easy to make friends when your life doesn't look like anybody else's life, ever. 

At times it hurts not to be like everybody else. I couldn't try if I wanted because I honestly don't know how I'm different enough not to fit until I start talking to someone. At some point in the conversation I've discovered we've not been talking about the same things. My brain interprets life differently. I know this now. Having this knowledge doesn't help me at all. Just being aware isn't enough. It bothers me. I don't know how to make friends, how to have "normal" conversations, or how to understand people at times. I know it's dyslexia, for the most part, but the rest is my interests in life and the lack of career. Not to mention I'm very guarded. I was bullied in school, badly. I was bullied in the family, got to love asshole cousins and grandparents that think he can do no wrong and thinking I was lying. Flip side, I was treated like a baby for years past actually being a baby. I don't have many find happy childhood memories. There was always fighting. Fighting at home, cousins fighting me, extended family fighting, fighting at school; fighting never seemed to cease. Add on to the fact I was a daydreamer. My thoughts drifted away upon someone speaking. I became hypnotized by people talking. I can't focus on spoken words. I hear cadence, tone, feeling, and accent. I am swooned by perfect voices, not their words but their essence.  I like the noise of spoken words but I don't gather much in the way of content. This makes being with people hard. My responses are based of something I thought they said and, well, this makes people think I'm weird. 

I'm half way to 40. Life isn't easier now than it was when I was a kid. Oh, sure, less fighting. Fewer bullies in my life. I don't talk to my cousin anymore, by the way he is still an asshole too much of the time.  

I have no point to this blog, never really are points, I'm afraid. I just hate being the odd duck all the time. I can't look at someone young and in my position and say, "it gets better." It doesn't really get better it just only gets different. I'm still the same person. The same awkward person that would like to fit in but doesn't have the ability to fit in. This polyhedron would really like to find other polyhedrons to hang out with while we talk about that chink in the wall.   

Demons of men

I don't believe in the devil but I do have demons. Demons like self loathing, low self esteem, zero confidence, depression, and many more.

I've dealt with these demons for years. I was bullied in school and on the school bus (a boy punched me in the nose.) In fact, when retelling this story my MILs partner asked what I did to deserve the punch in the nose, basically condoning the abuse. I was bullied in my family. I'm always been heavy. I got a taste of being thin (for me, I was a size 9) and a boy told me I was still fat. I've always been short. I've not had the life of being lived and admired because I'm thin, tall, and, well, that's all. 

I'm passed over, ignored, and not respected because I'm a chubby and short woman. My MILs partner is a shining example of what an asshole men can be. He's loved by everyone for being a nice guy. That's because he bends over backwards for thin women and all men.

I digress. The point I'm making is that I'm not magazine model worthy and I'm not a Mensa scholar. I'm just a regular person that works like to feel happy.

This brings me back to my demons. I'm not sure how to vanquish my demons. How does one kill the demons that keep the happiness away?

How does one come to grips that their family and married into family are toxic and how to deal with that?

I'm not sure where to begin in my healing. I've had many talks with my husband about this but it falls on deaf ears or he sets up his defence. Either way, I'm left worth no resolve.

I'm quite disgusted by men. At one time I went asking with it. Sex when you didn't want it, accepting their belief I was the bad guy, and accepting the overwhelming loneliness and silence.

Tired of being the bad guy that deserved what I had coming to me just based on the fact I'm a woman and I must have don't something to cause the; abuse, rape, and painful words.

I'm tired of men. I'm so weary. I'm willing to accept my flaws and work through them but most flaws wouldn't exist if it were not for MEN!

Silencer; The Great (NOT) Communicator

In "normal" interactions with humans one person speaks the other person says something back. Back and forth, the natural flow of nature. Ocean waves of human conversation.

Yet, everyday I speak my waves and everyday I stand back waiting...waiting...waiting. No one grabs onto what I'm talking about and ask questions, make statements, respond, nothing. NOTHING.

It's hard to feel connected with people that don't make an effort to be connected to you.

Spiritual endeavors

I was on the road to happiness and was spiritual when my turned super ill and then died. Then I turned into s grief stricken,  angry, Good hating human. I was bitter, lost, sad, and extremely lonely. I went from talking to my every single day, sometimes more to nothing. NOTHING. I grieved alone. I lost my spirituality. I lost my soul. It slipped away with my mother because I wasn't strong enough to hold on to it.

This June will be 3 years since she passed. My birthday week marked the slip in her health. A tedious and painful time that happened in a blink of an eye in slow motion. I did it alone with my emotionally absent father. I was the rock beaten by the seas and I was also the wave that carried the burden of the ship and her crew.

When it was all over and I was alone at night weeping in my bed suffering, from what I now know was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I went from sad from the loss to complete  anger in the abandonment from everybody. All the men ran out of my life, ALL. I was angry. I'm still disappointed in them. Mostly because I don't think they get what their lack of actions did to me. They don't get it. Plus, they have no idea how it all happened.  I was angry at all men, even the ones I had not met. I was angry at God, the idea of God, and everything God stood for; I was pissed and I wasn't backing down.

Today I went to church. Not your typical church, mind you. I went to a Unitarian Universalist Church. I still do not believe in the God most people believe in. A loving and living God, in my opinion, wouldn't take someone out of their bodies like that. I do need community. I do need fellowship. I do need women. I've lost all trust in the ability of men to be present, to be available. I was let down mute than once over the 3 years. In my time of need I was passed over. When my husband grandfather died my bitterness returned when he was angry I didn't go to the funeral.

I realized I needed to step out of my lonely box and look for my soul again. I want it back. I'm finding shards along the way and gluing it back together.

I've signed up for a women's mini re-treat. I went to chant. I drug my family to church, even if non-conventional.

I don't trust the traditional religions, dogmas, the belief in this God in a box. I don't trust hierarchy of the patriarch and the status quo. I know now my place is among the sweeter scents of women, the warmth, the love, and the connections that form among sisters.  I know my place is among chanters, dancers, and lively folks. I know my place is among those that accept me for me and I give them mutual respect. Bit by bit I pick those pieces out of the muck, wipe them clean, glue them together, and welcome myself back to this world. And each shard glued together leaves not a scar but a beautiful reflective shimmering light catcher that shoots rainbows and stars into the eyes of all that look upon my radiant beaming soul.

Look out world....I'm back!

Wonder what life is....

Lately I've been exploring myself. What do I want? What do I need? Who am I? Uh? What? Um? Mostly my conversations with myself have been dim witted, dull, lifeless, and unintelligible. I'm going to go back to the middle, the beginning is too far back. The middle was my mom dying. That moment was life changing in the fact that it felt like it took something away from me. What was it that was taken away? Who was I before my mother's last breath? I can tell you what I was doing. I was meditating. I was tap dancing. I was exploring my anger issues with my mom a few months before she died with a life coach. I was very angry with her. I never told her. In fact, I lied to her as I said she was a great mother. She wasn't. She never said sorry. She never admitted wrongness. She lied about her role in arguments with my father and making me out to be horrible  and she was sweet. She was not a nice person beneath her smiles, laughs, and she masked that ugly person very well. At her wake I heard all about her bubbly personality. I know we are not all perfect but it's really hard to respect someone who is not perfect when they act like they are, always. 

So, what  was ripped from me when she died? What was that piece I need to reclaim back into myself? Happiness? Forgiveness? What was stolen or was it given? 

Respect is something I never got from my mother. Never. Jealousy, she was jealous of me like no other person on this planet, perhaps the cosmos. She was angry. She broken. My mother was broken but would never admit even to herself she was to blame. She always, always, set that blame out into everyone else. She blamed me, her aunt, my dad, other people. Whatever it was, it was someone else's fault. Being one of the people she blamed angered me. I was blamed for her smoking, it was my fault she couldn't quit. I was blamed for her anger. I was blamed, period. 

I need to forgive my mother. I'm having difficulty doing that. I look at things she purchased and it sits in my home and I'm angry. I'm angry I never got to tell her she was a mean and spiteful person that needed therapy more than anyone else I know on the planet. I wanted to tell her she needed to grow up. She needed to stop being jealous of me and my life. She should take control of herself and not let chaos ensue. I wanted to shake her and scream in her face like she did me but say these words, "To get respect you need to give it, bitch." 

Now, I know stooping to her level would not solve anything. It would only anger her more because it would be my fault, again. You see, I think death was a blessing. I needed peace. She needed out. We both got what we needed. I do feel sad I don't have a mother. The last few years of her life she was trying to atone for her shithead ways without admitting to it. Our relationship did get better but she was still the same old person that never got help. The same person that would snap her fingers and by damn you better jump! She was still the same person that found more pleasure in being out of touch but numb. She was the same yelling, screeching, bossy nutcase that I hated with a passion and loved just as much. 

So what did she take with her when she departed? She took me. She took the person that coward in her presence. She took the little girl with no voice. The person that's feared her most. She sucked that person right out. What she left behind was a person that didn't have a clue how to react, behave, and how to get along in this world without my unstable rock. 

I was given a gift and a curse. I was left without saying my truth and left knowing it doesn't matter now. It's a surreal swirling tidal wave of chaos to swim in. A murky abyss with the unknown. 

I'm getting back on track. I'm thinking about meditating. I chant, not because I think it's magical, but because the rhythmic nature of it all releases tension. It's my verbal meditation. I'm exercising. I'm looking at lifestyle changes in a new light. I'm joining women groups and doing my best to let go, love, go deep, and don't give a fuck about shit that doesn't matter. If it's not a life at stake or the environment, it probably doesn't matter. Case by case matter. 

I think it's time to forgive mom, the wounded broken woman child. 

Diet fail

I've given up on the diet. Even while being faithful and exercising I started to gain. I stopped after watching a video on Gaiam Tv from an Ayurvedic physician about diets. I did some research and I bought his book and I'm starting the first phase tomorrow. First phase is you eat 51% from the season your in food's list and you eat only 3 meals a day. When give comfortably mastered not snacking at all you move into the next phase, so on and so forth. It's all about not stressing and figuring out how much or what kinds of foods you need to sustain yourself until the next meal. He advices to play with that aspect until it's a stress freeand works. He also says gaining weight in the winter is normal and not to be stressed either.

I've never read such a natural instinctive diet. His philosophy is simple, honest, and  seems easy enough to follow. You tweak for your body type and try to eat as many of the foods for that season.

There are 3 seasons; winter, spring, summer. Fall is included in winter because you are in fact eating fall foods in the winter.

Winter is high fat and high protein meals. Your cheese, nuts, meat, and fats. Slow down and hibernated.
Spring is low-fat and low-protein cleansing diet. Lots of spring greens, sprouts, etc. It's detox and get active time.
Summer is high-carb; cooling pasta and fruits to keep you going longer for the longer days. Then cycle back to winter's thick warming foods to cuddle up too.

I'm excited. The funniest part is that I've been naturally doing what he said. I've been eating lighter, juicing to detox, etc... plus his herbs I've been taking as well fir the spring season without knowing he was going to say that. I just could feel it in my body I needed something different.

I hope this lifestyle change helps.

SPOTTED LEAF

About 4 years ago a kitten arrived at my door hungry and sickly. I took the kitten food and water. When it got cold I brought the kitten in and she was named Spotted Leaf. My son was into the Warrior book series about, well, warrior cats. Spotted Leaf was a tortoise-shell cat that died in battle. Oh, how we live up to our names.

Spotted Leaf went into heat in the spring after her first winter indoors. It all happened so fast. She sliced open the second story window screen and escaped for several days. She came home pregnant. People railed me how I should've gotten her fixed. Yes, I should've  done that but my mother was dying and spaying a cat when my other cat was already neutered didn't seem important. Less than a month after my mom died Spotted Leaf gave birth to her kittens. We find homes for 2 but couldn't for the other 3. One we kept had never came home and presumed dead. We still have the 2 Grays; Walkie and John.

Spotted Leaf was not a good mother. She was young and dumb. I put kittens on her nipples, I had to watch her like a hawk because she works steal them away and then not feed them. If she was human the kids would've been in foster care and adopted out.

The cats were allowed to stay in the house for their first winter. Since they were born in July they were not ready for snow and ice. They were much too young. The following spring I set them all free. I put food and water out and off they went to explore the great outdoors. Come winter my husband wouldn't let them back in. Spotted Leaf was cold and found a warm spot, an old car. The problem was the hole she crawled into was to high on the windshield to get back out. My boys just happen to walk by the abandoned car in the field on a nice winter day and see her hopping around inside. She was almost dead. She'd been missing for 3 weeks. I had been concerned but didn't know where to look. She ate and ate and ate and drank and drank and drank. I can't help but think more than one factor played in her youthful demise. Feral kitten, tortoise-shell (they typically don't live as long), eating God knows what on her adventures, almost starving to death, stress of dogs hating you, and young mother. This winter I put my foot down with my husband. I told him to either help me build a warm cat house or they were coming in. They came in.

Tonight Spotted Leaf took her last breath. A young cat that lived hard and fast left this earthly plane with a fight. She was not happy about dying. She wasn't ready. She was determined not to go. It was extremely painful to watch and experience.

I didn't have hospice drugs to help facilitate the end happening faster and easier. I had to hear all the screams. It was like being there when my grandma died.

I chanted, I petted, I said "I love you" and "goodbye." I wiped her bum every time her bowels emptied. I would lay her on a new clean towel. I was her attending nurse for an entire week.

Not being my first death I knew yesterday the end was near when she started eating and drinking like crazy. The calm before the storm was about to hit. This morning I found bloodied vomit. When I hit home from my dad's there was poop everywhere. I knew it was going to be tonight and, sadly, I was correct.

Her last 3 hours a rarely left her side. I am filled with grief. I was alone. It was painfully hard. I'm exhausted and too upset to sleep. Life, as it is.

Here I am

I don't understand everybody's journey, it's not mine to know. I do know this, I can appreciate beauty even if I don't understand what or why of the situation.

I wish people could be more tolerant and loving. Tonight I read aloud what an acquaintance had written on Facebook about the death of his ox. The ox quit eating 12 days before and had been lying down for a week. Several times a day he was pampered with water, brushing, and chanting. They set up an iPod in the barn of chanting so he wouldn't feel alone while they did other chores. He was well cared for as he made his transition. Today after his morning petting and brushing and refusing water he passed.

I read the post out loud because I thought the care given to this ox was beautiful. He was treated with dignity and love.  The crass person across the table said...oh never mind. I can't blemish Vayu's death with nasty remarks.

Anyhow, I realized how many people out there preach love but they have none to give and they are completely unaware of their situation.

I may not I understand the religious aspects that these humans give to these oxen but I can understand the love and because of that I can find common ground with them. 

Goodbye, Vayu. If you reincarnate I hope you come back with as much love as was shown to you in this life time.

5 Alive

5 people in this house. I'm the only female. It's lonely, terribly lonely to be in that predicament. The makes of the house are very independent and do well without communication. Tonight my 2 younger sons are in their rooms when my husbands came home. He walked over and kissed me while I was waking on the treadmill. Then outside to his garage he goes. I finish my walk, make dinner, and sweep the floors. Hubby comes in and gets his dinner, eats and then heads back out to the garage. The boys come out of their rooms for food then sneak away with their plates full back into their rooms. Much much later my oldest comes home and he's on the phone as he walks in and heads to his room. By this time hubby is in the house but sitting at the table carving. We've yet to speak.
This is typical. They are all happy too. The younger boys have seen me all day and that's all they need. The oldest is busy with growing up. Hubby, well, he's always been a happy toddler, he likes the fact I'm there.

Finding my place in the world is not easy. I feel like I'm 18 all over again. I know it's time to grow up and stretch my wings but I'm scared.

What do you want?

The question must be asked; what do you want?
What do I want?
I envy people that know, have a clear definable goal. I'm vague. Chronically and severely vague. I'm wishy washy and scattered. My emotions lead and my doubt takes over.

I'm working on s list. It's very generic, nothing eye popping. Keep a broad view, that's what I'm doing. I'm afraid that's still vague. Oh, dear.

Remember....

The time we had sex on the beach while people walked by by the light of the moon

The time in the bank downtown in the women's restroom

On a navy ship behind an unlocked door in a prominent place

Our friend's bed

Couches, futons, hide-a-way beds...oh my!

The tent after river rafting all day

In the rv in the driveway when the kids think we are cleaning

The lawn chair

The porch swing

The blanket on the grass looking at the stars

The car at the lake when the kids thought we went for ice

Passion

I need it again

It seems to have fallen off the truck during the move.

Illogical

I have this one friend, maybe you have one too, that no matter what outing we are planning of putting together  turns into an illogical fiasco.

To look at my friend she looks like a very well put together person. Everything is perfect, on the surface, that is. House organized, clothes clean and always new, car fashionably new and well cared for.  Once you get past her typical charming small talk you begin to see glimpses. At first it's a tiny awkward glint in the vast beige dessert. You brush it off as a mirage and nothing more. I've now been in this friendship for years. I'm now noticing that it was not a mirage. Something is really amiss here.

This friend comes up with the most complicated illogical meetings. I calmly and quietly say that maybe we should do this or that and sometimes she agrees and sometimes she is so stuck on crazy that you know you shouldn't even go there. It because too much work.

To be quite honest I've never met someone like this before, ever. All my other friends scratch their heads, my husband too, after hearing the antics. I tell my husband in great detail the conversation I'm feeling nutty about and the whole time he looks at me with a screwed up face, shaking his head, and saying, "what?" Yeah, it's like THAT.

I love her but, those Damn ol'big buts again, but she's difficult. Sigh.

The other day my husband said I was difficult. Ha! He doesn't know difficult. If he knew a quarter of the shit I know about women he would treat me like a fucking queen. He doesn't have to put up with illogical, uncompromising, wishy washy, flighty, lying, etc etc etc of the world of women to their men. He has no idea how great he's got it. No fucking idea.

As for myself, being a woman, I don't know how to handle women either. Fuck, most are crazy!

Quiet house

The house is quiet. Very quiet, indeed. One soon is at work, one is at a friend's house, one is sleeping. One dog outside lounging on the porch, one dig in her bed asleep. Only one cat in the house and she is watching the sleeping dog. The furnace is running and I'm keeping quiet Shi my son can sleep.

I love this part of the day. It's not rushed or hurried. It's not stressed. It's really a time of just being. Being right here, right now, in the moment as it is. No plans. No structure. Nothing more than being.

I really love the stillness of quiet moments. The gentleness of them. At times they can make me feel anxious. That's because I've lost the moment. My mind starts preparing for something. Like what? I don't know, that's why I get anxious. Could be a cat puking, dog barking, phone ringing, or my son opening his door to ask if he can play video games. Simple things, yes, but those moments break up the coveted silent moments.

I dislike silent moments when I have a human nearby. I like to fill the air with our noise, our souls. I love to hear people talk. Some voices reach out and kiss you on the lips as they speak.
I lie, it's nice to be silent with a human when you connect in meditation. Both working on the same goal of peace, love, and oneness. How intimate to face each other, hold hands, then close your eyes, and then be silent. Concentrating on the love, the life, the light of Earthkind. Then breaking the silence with a kiss is the bliss in the cosmic pudding.

I've seemed to strayed from my path. I've wandered down a dimly lit gravel road. The fear of mountain lions, rattlesnakes, and rabid beasts lurking in the tall grasses masking their desires to destroy me.

I see the path, my path to take, yet, strangely this dark and dreary path seems to have a rut worn and is comfortable to stay in.

I know I need to make a commitment to myself to walk the path I seek. My fear of walking it alone can't be nearly as scary as beast waiting to devour me.

I must step out of the despair and into the fear and hold on to the unicorn horn tightly because it could be a bumpy hella'fun ride!

Time to break silence as I break my fast. Until next time sweet souls....

Life

A cat peed in our room as we slept. We woke to the odor. We've been housing them inside because of the extreme weather. My husband, who agrees to build a cat house, never builds one. Last year one of the cats almost died trying to get warm but being in an old car the neighbor abandoned. She couldn't get back out of the awkwardly placed hole in the windshield. My children happened to walk by and see her jumping around and meowing. She was starved and dehydrated. It was terrible! Another cat came home with singed fur. He was trying to get warm someplace and almost got too warm. My husband, and his heartless family (towards animals) think this is just nature. This year, when it got cold, I brought them in. He was angry. I tried to make Rubbermaid houses but they got wet inside and wasn't warm enough. The year before I Jerry-rigged an old chicken house into a cat house. They could use it after it snowed because the snow was too deep to get to it. I was heartbroken to see how they were fairing. My husband's hardened harsh heart saw nothing wrong.

Well, today, as our bedroom smells of urine, he washed his hands of this again and said, "I hate animals in the house." And then added as he walked out of the room shaking his hands, "you can handle this."

What exactly do you handle, HUSBAND?

Everything seems to be of my expertise.

What's more annoying than this is the fact he wants to get higher in his spiritual life yet he can't see the connectedness, or in his case the disconnectedness, of the situation.

We, as humans, are connected to everything. We are all one. We can't treat one creature/human poorly then meditate ourselves to enlightenment. The enlightenment comes from seeing, feeling, and knowing that connectedness and embracing it. By doing what we can avoid harming others. Loving others, and animals, as they are and not expecting your behavior to be theirs. No judgement. All LOVE.

I wish I could say that's my husband but it's not. I can't say I'm 100% but I'm not nearly as low as him. :-\

Compassion he lacks for this situation. Cat pees in OUR room. They always pee after he's angered them. He says it is my problem. No compassion for the mega ton load of laundry heaped upon my head. No compassion at all.

He can't see it. He can't see any of what I say. He thinks so highly of himself, his family speaks of it too, that his ego is bigger than the empire state building. How could he see the piles of laundry, dishes, dirty cat litter, trash that needs to go out, laundry folded, etc.. from such a high place?

I love him. He knows not what he does. I'm frustrated and telling him seems to make the frustration worse. He gets so defensive. His untarnished blemish free existence heaped upon his head from every woman not living with him can't handle the human truth. YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!

Left out

My hubs belongs to a men's group. I'm not knocking the group. It's really helped my husband in many ways. It's helped us as well. My beef, in this moment, is that he goes to his weekly group and shares his heart. Comes home to me and says nothing.
NOTHING.

Tonight I looked him in the eyes and said, "I feel sad you don't allow me to share your life with you but you share it with your group."

He replied, "I don't know how to respond to that."

Yet, did he share with me? No.

Exactly why I said what I said.

Boasters

I know a few people that boast to the point that it gets disgusting. The boast about their rich friends, having lunch with a celebrity because their rich friends invited them to come along. They talk about how smart they are, how smart their kids are, how everybody else are idiots.

What makes someone act like that?
If you made something or did something then by all means share it. I think by picking everyone else's inability to perform at your level or boast about someone else's success you barged in on is lame. It makes you look small. It's not cool.

Show me what you've done! Don't ride on the coat tails of others you admire and don't belittle those that are not like you.

We are all different and beautiful in many ways.

Thinking, obsessing, and can't sleep

Last weekend my husband's grandfather passed away unexpectedly. Today was the visitation and tomorrow is the funeral. I didn't go because it's 7 hours away via a car and the fat before he died I took my dog to the vet and he was given a pharmaceutical cocktail to be given every morning. My husband said my reason for staying was "lame." He was angry. Where do I take a sick dog and a healthy dig on such sorry notice? Where can I find a house sitter willing to deal drugs to one dig and make the other dog doesn't get them? My dog is on antibiotics and pain killers. I don't find my reason lame.
Besides, his grandpa never had nice things to say to me. He always made fun of my weight. To be frank, I feel really indifferent to his death. I would have gone with my husband to support his grief IF it wasn't for the dogs.

My hubby left Sunday morning. He could've left today but chose to leave on Sunday. He arrived around 3pm. I didn't hear from him until 11pm and he was falling asleep. He waited until he ess in bed falling asleep to remember I've been wondering if he was ok for 18 hours.

Today I figured I would get a good morning, a hello, something. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Instead his aunt and cousin are posting pictures, info, etc.

See, my husband's mom, maybe his dad too, have a don't bother me while I'm traveling philosophy. "No need is good news."

My family was the complete opposite. You called asking the way at check points on the road trip. You kept tabs for safety reasons.

I only ask fir the middle ground but he thinks I'm a "nervous nelly."
I, personally, find it inloving and disrespectful not to make contact.

I'm feeling very upset right now. If he cared he'd call or text. He does neither. I don't think he cares like he says he does.

Update: my hubby finally contacted me. He said "morning." 

Maybe I expect too much from him, from men in general. I told him I'm not buying his excuses he doesn't have signal when his whole freaking family is on FB and he's with them. I told him even if his phone doesn't have signal, if he really wanted to, he'd find a way to make contact. Get the wifi password, call me from another phone, something. 

I told him I'm tired of not getting the same curtesy I give him. I'd like to see a return on my investment. 

All he texted was, "you are right." And haven't heard from him since. Feeling stressed, unloved, and not important to him. This is a shitty place to be right now. 

Invisible

It's moments like this that I realize I'm pretty invisible. I don't need an invisibility cloak, mine seems to be built in.

Weight loss...

I've lost another pounds this week. All together I've lost about 8lbs. I don't feel cheated but I do need to make sure my choices are wise. Since Weight Watchers uses the point system I've started giving everything point values too. One gluten free pancake made with 1/4 batter is 7 points. That doesn't fill you up, ever. My breakfast I just had was 5 and I'm stuffed. I sauteed an onion, used left over green beans and cabbage from previous meals, and one serving of ham. I ate this with half of an avocado. The points for the ham and two for the avocado the veggies are free. I groan, now, every time someone asks for pancakes.

I keep asking my hubby to join me and he refuses. This would be so much easier with someone not eating chocolate bars in front of me or asking for desert and wanting to go out to eat multiple times in a week.

It is what it is

Valentine Day

Last night my grumpy money man came home around 2am. I was still mad so I pretended not to know he was home. By this morning we were both good. He apologized and I made him a big breakfast. Crepes, mushrooms, black forest bacon, creme fraise, avocado, goat cheese, and jam. He stuffed himself with that and some toast and coffee before heading to work. He got off early and took me to a gluten free, dairy free, vegetarian restaurant. I had a very wonderful time. I know I complain but seriously I'm pretty Damn well blessed with a fabulous man.
I'm an ice cube and he let me sick my cube toes on his warm ankles under the blankets to thaw. That's love and I love him back.

Home life

I have a lot of time to read articles, statistics, opinions, stories, etc. I don't have a job, per se, I do have one in the home. I cook, clean, chauffeur, and homeschool my kids. This creates a lot of time for weight gain, boredom, and loneliness. I joined a gym, I joined a weight loss program, I am trying to do my best.

I just called my husband to tell him my card was being declined and he was post with me. He jumped my ass for using it.
I'm feeling extremely saddened right now by that. I feel helpless. I haven't bought one thing since Friday when I bought groceries. He took me to dinner, he bought drinks, he spends the money then tells at me. Then because he is working he had to get off. I get scolded and put back in the box and stuck on the shelf. Oh, he'll forget all about this and, if he ever comes home, will sleep like a baby without a care. I on the other hand feel afraid to spend money. I feel I have no say. I have no control.

There are times I say something and he says, "you're so weird about money." Uh, get yelled at fir something you didn't do for 20 yrs you'd be weird too.

Rambling....

When does the other shoe drop and you throw in the towel?

When do you tell someone to "bug off?"

When do you accept someone as they are? 

How far down the rabbit hole is to far?

How can you have your cake and eat it too?

If you can't change someone and you need them too to be in your life then what is the straw that breaks the camel's back? 

Who is to blame?

How can you help the clueless to get a clue? 

All these questions and more will be answered in the next episode of Soap.

Weight loss

Lost 4.4 pounds so far. It's not been easy. I'm working out way more than usual to get this off. I'm committed to change. I'm sticking with it. I'm happy I actually have something to show for it. Last week I didn't lose but didn't gain either. It was a mixed feeling week. 

Off to yoga class. Ciao

School

I'm looking into sending my kids to homeschool academies. What is that? That, my friend, is a school that meets once, no more than three, times a week. Currently J2 and Z are going to a Waldorf class once a week. That is 4 hours of instruction on various topics. Z can go for another 2 years. This is J2s only year he can go. 

My hubby likes the idea of them going to a homeschool academy except the fact it is Christian. I mulled it around and I know, KNOW, my boys are not ready for traditional school. Z needs it because he refuses to join anything, try anything, do anything other than video games. He's not willing to meet people, etc... Next week he's going to start a once a week school. It's all day. He will cover all the subjects like traditional school. I'm guessing it will be a struggle but it's only once a week. If all goes well he can stay there for another 2 years before moving on to the 3 day a week school. 

The other school, where J2 might go, is 3 days a week, full days, and is a college prep. We are going to tour both schools this week. I'm just going to bite my tongue on huge Christian thing. They need this and I need this too.

Denial is not a river in Egypt

My husband likes to think of himself as an open kind of guy. He likes to think he is a hip cat that can handle me being around straight men. I know differently. He is not a hip cat. He's a scared cat. Last night was a shining example. See, my husband and I have a great sex life. It's active and fun. We are not your typical missionary only do nothing but traditional sex modes kind of folks. We spice it up and have fun. YET, my hubby feels it nessisary to sound sex starved when other men are around and I'm there. He makes me sound like a prudish fuddy duddy. Last night someone says, " oh looks like someone is getting some tonight." His reply? "Oh, no. She'll have a headache." What the hell? Threatened much? One, I never play games like that. I only say no when I really do feel ill. If I say no because I'm not ill it's because I'm mad and I tell him. No games. Period. My jaw dropped upon hearing that. I was outed as a prude, everybody gasped and giggled in horror, and I was hurt. He doesn't get it. I know, unconsciously, he said that because he felt threatened. He doesn't want others to see I'm a sexual being and take me away from him, but it hurt nonetheless. Hurt even more when he had it not only last night but this morning as well. He better not try to sabotage my work I'm going intof selling sex toys. We'll have words over that. Hell, we had words over this. Sigh. I still love him, even so....

Criticism; when is it appropriate?

First, I want to be sure this is not a husband bashing post. My husband is a great man. Period. We do disagree, we are human. We, neither one of us, are perfect. We make mistakes in the relationship. The fact we've made it 20 years is a testament we are not quitters with life gets rough. Could we improve? I know I can and at the moment, I wish he would. 

I paint. Not walls but canvas. I use Golden brand acrylics almost exclusively. Even though I've only gotten $30.00 for one small painting and bartered others off for various reasons, I still look AT&T his as my job. It's work I love. The problem lies when I show my husband a painting. He always sucks in his air, like someone trying to keep from letting his negative thoughts out, and then sits silently holding that breathe for a long while before letting it go and saying something less than nice but not entirely mean. 

Last night I finished a painting I've been working on for a long time. I don't paint around him so I have to wait until he is at work and I have the time to devote so much time tinkering and touch up and adding layers of paint for hours. I digress, so, he came home and I plopped the painting in front of him. He did the breathe and squinted and sat silent until he uddered the words, "it's nice, BUT he looks like he is wearing make-up." His face said it all, "I don't like it." I grabbed the painting and said, "I never should have shown you, you never like any of my work." Then he sat there with a blank stare and after a while said, "that's not true." But his face still said something else. I walked off. Later I told him I wished he was my biggest fan and he stared again. He's not a liar and he can't do a poker face with me to save his life. He gave me, "you're creative." Speech later.  It felt like he was saying, " but I don't like it." Without saying it. 

My expectations are hurt more than anything. I just thought he would want to build me up like I try to do for him when he works on something. I don't want him to lie, I just wish that love for my work was there in his heart. It's not and that is what saddens mine. When he said, "what do you want me to say?" I felt horrible. I'm not about to tell him what to say. That wouldn't be honest and that wouldn't make me feel any better knowing I told him what to say and how to say it. 

The end result was my excitement over my own work waned and I feel less than creative today. Disappointed.

Haters gonna hate.....

This past week has been interesting, to say the least, about my diet and exercise. 

I'll just sa y it, I totally bombed yesterday. I'm ok with that because I'm not going to have guilt about it. It's not everyday I have people over and drink wine, dried liquor soaked fruits, and eat lots of dark chocolate. Yum! 

The haters part comes from earlier in the week. I've not been blaring I'm dieting to every person I meet. I quietly decline foods and the such without much fanfare. It's easy because of my allergies. I thought I would at least tell my mother in law and sister in law as we were catching up. My. MIL actually yelled at me to stop doing weight watchers because they are a starvation diet and I'll get tired of eating like that and gain all my weight back and they don't let you've fat in your diet. Seriously? I'm doing something different, something to better myself and I get that? I'm still pissed. She is mean. Always mean, forever cold, and never thinking what she says will be of any consequence to her relationships. I was hurt. Conversation killer enemy number one.  Opinionated old bat! She didn't stop there with her uncouth rudeness but it wasn't about dieting so I'll not list my grocery list of grievances here.

The other issue was my friend. We have to rewind a bit to a few months before. She got a gym membership and got a trainer, then another trainer, and was working out so much I was worried about her. I even told my husband. I didn't tell her to stop. I just listened and let her be. Even though she was tired all the time, she never did anything but work out. She was even getting cold sores from her body being stressed. She was always sore and always miserable and still complained she was fat. She's not, by the way, she's skinny, very skinny. Tiny little butt. Anyhow, I hadn't seen her in a long time because of her crazy workout schedule. I finally had time to talk to her and told her I joined a new gym and had a new trainer and was going on in my fitness world. I got the don't do it from her too. What the hell? She started telling me her horror story and how her cortisol levels were off the charts and on and on. Uh, one difference, I don't let the trainer bully me into half killing myself. I do what I want when I want and the trainer checks in to see how I'm doing. I'm enjoying myself and feel good, not miserable. 

I think what we have here is two opinionated people. I'm guilty of that too. I'm learning though it's best not to share, especially with these types of folks. It's sad that they can't trust my decision about my own body and health. Do I really look like the flighty type? The type that falls into every gimmick around? It saddens me that I can't talk about this with some people. It really closes the door on relationships when your opinions are so vocal you scream, as with my mother in law, and it really hard to share exercise tips with someone that has closed the door on another way because they over did it before their body was ready. 

Humans, what are we good for? 

Family secrets....

When you're a child you are in a blissful unknowing and you don't realize how protected your really are until you grow up. I remember the shock when my grandmother cursed in front of me for the first time. I didn't know she knew bad words. I was dumbfounded. The time I found illegal drugs in the home of a police officer I was babysitting for. The time I heard about my mom being intimate with another man or how she tried cocaine. The list, I thought was compete. I knew my. Dad was married before, I knew my grandpa went to the Battle of the Bulge and saw horrific things. I knew family members were drunks. I knew many things as an older child. 

This week I discovered even more things. Not anything good either. I was slammed with info that made my gut wrench and my heart heavy with sadness. It was info that made everything else make sense. 

My aunt told me how her dad, my grandpa, accidently killed his nephew. My grandfather was 5 his nephew was 3. His brother, the father of the 3 yr old, set a loaded pistol on the bed and walked out of the room. The 3 yr old tried to shoot but wasn't strong enough so my grandpa had a try. 

The next bit of info came from my father. He told me about my mothers side of the family. A little back ground here; my husband accuses me of pushing my family away. Now, I don't disagree about not missing them but I do not push them away. I just don't take an active role in visiting them. They never call, they never text, they never FB message me, they never reply when I comment or send a message in FB. They never say happy birthday, they never ask me over for holidays. Nothing. I wish I had a big family to spend time with but I don't miss their kind of visits. Growing up every single visit was marred by one or all of the following; crying, drunks, fighting and yelling, and rudeness. My dad would drink one 7 and 7 before going for a visit. Once it noticed the pattern I asked him why because he never did that when we went to see his family. He said he needed a little something. That's all he would say. What I now know was he was self soothing before the storm. A way to weather the storm without falling apart. My folks were the anchors. My aunt, drunk, always had a new man that was abusive and a drunk. My grandma was always in a pensive, melancholy, and disturbing mood. Always dying, always wanting to die, and drifting off in thoughts murmurs. My cousins were rude and mean to me, well, everybody. Total snots. My grandpa barked orders and yelled all the time. Many of my birthdays ruined by them, many events, period, were ruined by them. 

It all made sense when my dad told me that on his second date with my momhe found my mom with 2 black eyes. My grandpa had beat her up. He didn't want her across street. She was over 18. A legal woman. 

My grandpa was physically abusive. It all made sense. Grandma always wanting to die. Always meek. Always sad. Always miserable. My mom, oh she was a whack job at times, and my aunt. Man after abusive man. My dad used to yell about how my mom was on a self destruct suicide mission. Gee, I wonder why. She never got any help. Ever. EVER. It was a sign of weakness. I know, I was told that many times. You don't take meds, you don't talk to shrinks, you deal with it. 

So she dealt with it. 

I'm glad I know these things because it makes sense but a part of me wishes for the bliss of the unknown. Also, angry with my mom making me stay with grandpa growing up from the time I was 3 until 13 every summer and before school. He wasn't nice, ever. She said she wanted him to shake the shyness out of me. Oh, brilliant plan, mom. Leave me with an abusive person for 10 yrs, yeah, that was helpful in my development. Grand plan there! 

Tracking weight day 1

This time last week, on a whim, I pulled out the scale. I gasped. I had gained weight from the last time I looked. I fell into an instant deep depression. I was self loathing. I was angry. I was confused. 

Sometime in the evening I read an article in my Facebook feed about the yearly rating of diets. I clicked through all the diets and I landed on Weight Watchers. I thought about it. My mom lost a ton of weight when she was on it. She was tiny. She quit because she got tired of eating healthy. Her exact words, "I'm tired of only eating vegetables."  This was code she was hungry for mega bowls of ice cream, candy, etc...

My mother hated to eat healthy. She was convinced there was no flavor to it. "Rabbit food." No Miracle Whip, no Cheez Whiz, no way. 

In the time she was doing her diet I was exposed to vegetables. I loved them. I grew into a foodie after real food after her stint with WW. I was her worse nightmare. I bitched about margarine, salt, sugar. I wanted veggies, fresh and not canned. Until the day she died she hated my cooking. She always said it was bland. Everybody else said it was her 40 years of smoking and her MSG consumption. I thought she was a pain in the ass. 

I digress. I looked at the WW website. They had an anonymous online program. This appealed to me. Last time I had joined I walked into a meeting in Johnson County and all these skinny women were sitting in the meeting. They wanted to lose that last 10 pounds and needed help. Then on top of it all I gained 10 pounds the first 2 weeks. I had just had a baby, too. I really should not have been there. I felt discouraged with all these skinny middle aged ladies all worried about a measly 10 pounds. 

I decided if it didn't work, I would only be out my $19 for a month and I would hang up my weight loss hat for good and just keep going with exercise and eating how I already do.

This is my first weight check in and I lost 3.4 pounds. I'm actually surprised because I was given a ton of food to eat. I was usually very full. I realized my biggest issue was my snacking. I get hungry and snack instead I need to cook sooner and eat not wait until I'm half starved off to make a meal.

I'm taking this as a learning experience not as a diet. I'm looking at this as a health benefit not a looks benefit. I'm taking this one month, one week, and one day at a time. 

3.4 lbs yay for me

Day 4

In the diet you are encouraged to eat all your daily points so your body doesn't think it's starving and shut down weight loss. I'm having trouble eating all those points because your biggest point snatchers come from food I do not eat or eat little of, as in dairy (not at all) and meat (very little). I also don't do a lot of sugar products and that is a big point item as well. You take away those things, the typical American diet staples, and your left with grains (which I adore) and oils (yum yum). There is that avocado lurking around that uses a lot of points because it's fatty, yum. 

When you get down to my typical day it's veggies, fruit a couple times, carbs. I can only eat so many carbs because I will get bloated. I don't do too much fruit because of the sugar. I tried a candy last night, because I had enough points left for a small meal, and my caramels were one point each because they were made with coconut milk. I couldn't even be sinful with candy! 

They ask you not to weight yourself until your check in day and that is Tuesday for me. In two days I will see if this diet is working or not. In the meantime I will enjoy my yellow bell pepper, onion, and cilantro stir fry topped with kimchi on a bed of rice. 

Day 2 of diet...

It's no secret I struggle with my weight. I have my whole life. Last few years I refused diets because it only caused the cursed yo-yo problems. I am tired of the weight not coming off. I exercise. I eat right. What am I missing? What was I doing wrong? What was I doing right?

I decided that I needed help. I didn't want to got I meetings. I didn't want something hard to follow. I don't want special foods, my weird diet requirements is enough of an issue. I didn't want drugs nor shakes and supplements. I wanted real food. I decided on Weight Watchers. They have an online program that gives me calculators, tracking devices for food and exercise. I get so many points a day and I log in what I eat, my normal food, then I earn points for exercising as well that can be used for food if I get enough. It's simple. No stress. I'm not hungry and I'm not fussing over special ridiculous foods I don't like. I have made some modifications. Instead of spaghetti squash alone I added broccoli and pour red sauce over it. I was very full. I'm noticing I'm eating far more veggies than I was before. I was getting lazy with eating crackers instead of a carrot stick. I've noticed I had to stop myself from dipping my hand into the kids corn chips while they munched away. Instead I go in and make a cup of coffee and sweeten it with stevia, a point free food, and I go read my book. I weigh myself next Tuesday. Then we will see what the result of diet is next week.