This morning I have the mark of crying, puffy eyes. Yesterday a friend posted a pic of a newborn on Facebook. Another spoke about how nice it was to have an excuse (bad storms) to hold her baby all day. As I read those posts I noticed something inside me quiver. Anger? Sadness? What was it? I then realized I avoided all the comments posted about the newborn. I then realized lately I have been feeling jealous about my friend having a new baby. We were suppose to have babies at the same time so they could grow up together. It didn't work out that way.
Last night I started to tell my husband what I said above and I burst into tears. His only reply was,
"I don't dwell." That is not what this is about. Intellectually I know this is better. I know Flint (our baby from a failed adoption) was not meant to be ours forever. I get that. I am not dwelling. I am still dealing with the expectations I had. I am still dealing with it everyday as I work on getting all the stuff I accumulated out of this house! I still have bassinet, pack-N-play, bath tub, and another container of clothes. I have already shipped out 6 or 7 bags of stuff 2 weeks ago. I also have the infant car seat and stroller we bought. I gave away my 2 Moby baby slings and have 2 more gift certificates to give away to someone! Everyday I deal with the stuff, the finding homes for the stuff, and packing the stuff, and schlepping the stuff. All while he can ignore the stuff. It is easy to not dwell when you don't have to deal with the stuff. It is easy not to dwell when you don't have a memory card full of pictures to delete one by one.
The tears come from feeling like we didn't try hard enough. Even though I know it would have broke us financially my heart was not thinking about the money. I feel like a failure on so many levels. I know spiritually this was not meant to be my heart still asks the question, "WHY NOT?" There are so many levels and layers to this. I feel like I am on my last layer of healing from it. I just need to let it out. It is not dwelling it is pinned up pain that was tucked away to get through it in the first place. It was a loss of a child literally ripped from my arms while I cried as the state workers that took him from my arms cried to place him in foster care. It was the pain of a fortnight of uncertainty with countless phone calls from our lawyer. It was pain from our children crying because we were not home. It was the pain from an expectation of being a mother again and it falling through. No more singing lullabies, rocking chairs, and first steps. All gone in one felt swoop and within hours I was home the night before Christmas Eve. A Bittersweet holiday and that was that. The adoption agency sent us our money back minus the lawyer fees and we settled back into our routine like nothing ever happened.
It did happen and my heart knows it and my heart just needed to let the pain out last night. It was better flint went to another family. I know this. I just had expectations, those dangerous expectations, and it caught up with me. Life goes on. My children are healthy and growing up to be fine young men. My children are safe and happy. I will focus on that and not the expectations. It gets me in trouble every time.
Last night I started to tell my husband what I said above and I burst into tears. His only reply was,
"I don't dwell." That is not what this is about. Intellectually I know this is better. I know Flint (our baby from a failed adoption) was not meant to be ours forever. I get that. I am not dwelling. I am still dealing with the expectations I had. I am still dealing with it everyday as I work on getting all the stuff I accumulated out of this house! I still have bassinet, pack-N-play, bath tub, and another container of clothes. I have already shipped out 6 or 7 bags of stuff 2 weeks ago. I also have the infant car seat and stroller we bought. I gave away my 2 Moby baby slings and have 2 more gift certificates to give away to someone! Everyday I deal with the stuff, the finding homes for the stuff, and packing the stuff, and schlepping the stuff. All while he can ignore the stuff. It is easy to not dwell when you don't have to deal with the stuff. It is easy not to dwell when you don't have a memory card full of pictures to delete one by one.
The tears come from feeling like we didn't try hard enough. Even though I know it would have broke us financially my heart was not thinking about the money. I feel like a failure on so many levels. I know spiritually this was not meant to be my heart still asks the question, "WHY NOT?" There are so many levels and layers to this. I feel like I am on my last layer of healing from it. I just need to let it out. It is not dwelling it is pinned up pain that was tucked away to get through it in the first place. It was a loss of a child literally ripped from my arms while I cried as the state workers that took him from my arms cried to place him in foster care. It was the pain of a fortnight of uncertainty with countless phone calls from our lawyer. It was pain from our children crying because we were not home. It was the pain from an expectation of being a mother again and it falling through. No more singing lullabies, rocking chairs, and first steps. All gone in one felt swoop and within hours I was home the night before Christmas Eve. A Bittersweet holiday and that was that. The adoption agency sent us our money back minus the lawyer fees and we settled back into our routine like nothing ever happened.
It did happen and my heart knows it and my heart just needed to let the pain out last night. It was better flint went to another family. I know this. I just had expectations, those dangerous expectations, and it caught up with me. Life goes on. My children are healthy and growing up to be fine young men. My children are safe and happy. I will focus on that and not the expectations. It gets me in trouble every time.
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