Puffy Eyes

This morning I have the mark of crying, puffy eyes. Yesterday a friend posted a pic of a newborn on Facebook. Another spoke about how nice it was to have an excuse (bad storms) to hold her baby all day. As I read those posts I noticed something inside me quiver. Anger? Sadness? What was it? I then realized I avoided all the comments posted about the newborn. I then realized lately I have been feeling jealous about my friend having a new baby. We were suppose to have babies at the same time so they could grow up together. It didn't work out that way.

Last night I started to tell my husband what I said above and I burst into tears. His only reply was,
"I don't dwell." That is not what this is about. Intellectually I know this is better. I know Flint (our baby from a failed adoption) was not meant to be ours forever. I get that. I am not dwelling. I am still dealing with the expectations I had. I am still dealing with it everyday as I work on getting all the stuff I accumulated out of this house! I still have bassinet, pack-N-play, bath tub, and another container of clothes. I have already shipped out 6 or 7 bags of stuff 2 weeks ago. I also have the infant car seat and stroller we bought. I gave away my 2 Moby baby slings and have 2 more gift certificates to give away to someone! Everyday I deal with the stuff, the finding homes for the stuff, and packing the stuff, and schlepping the stuff. All while he can ignore the stuff. It is easy to not dwell when you don't have to deal with the stuff. It is easy not to dwell when you don't have a memory card full of pictures to delete one by one.

The tears come from feeling like we didn't try hard enough. Even though I know it would have broke us financially my heart was not thinking about the money. I feel like a failure on so many levels. I know spiritually this was not meant to be my heart still asks the question, "WHY NOT?" There are so many levels and layers to this. I feel like I am on my last layer of healing from it. I just need to let it out. It is not dwelling it is pinned up pain that was tucked away to get through it in the first place. It was a loss of a child literally ripped from my arms while I cried as the state workers that took him from my arms cried to place him in foster care. It was the pain of a fortnight of uncertainty with countless phone calls from our lawyer. It was pain from our children crying because we were not home. It was the pain from an expectation of being a mother again and it falling through. No more singing lullabies, rocking chairs, and first steps. All gone in one felt swoop and within hours I was home the night before Christmas Eve. A Bittersweet holiday and that was that. The adoption agency sent us our money back minus the lawyer fees and we settled back into our routine like nothing ever happened.

It did happen and my heart knows it and my heart just needed to let the pain out last night. It was better flint went to another family. I know this. I just had expectations, those dangerous expectations, and it caught up with me. Life goes on. My children are healthy and growing up to be fine young men. My children are safe and happy. I will focus on that and not the expectations. It gets me in trouble every time.

Today

Today I dug a 12' trench (give or take). Today i sweated like a fireman stoking the fire of steam engine, except instead of coal I was chucking chunks of dirt. Today I laid pipe. Today I transported gravel from one side of the yard to the next. Today I got another sunburn. Today I used a pick to loosen hard pan clay and gravel. Today I spray painted with berry pink gloss a dresser meant for a baby I did not get. Today I completed my first french drain. Today I met a neighbor wearing my hair in a bun, sweating from cleaning, and wearing my PJ shorts with hideous black socks and unshaved legs next to a berry pink dresser and strewn about drawers and a fresh pile of chicken shit next to my french drain. Today I ran out of black pepper. Today I did the unfathomable and destroyed a wasp nest. Today I watched my boys play in the hose, one was naked. Today I scrubbed my kitchen floor while squatting and using an old wash rag. Today I made myself a mango lassi and realized I gave of cigarettes for smoothies. Today I ate a cheese sandwich with smoked goat cheddar, coconut oil, and toasted Udi's gluten-free bread. Today I have not had a glass of elderberry wine but thinks it would be a nice way to finish off TODAY!

Many projects

This is the summer of many projects. Summer is not even here and I already have a dark tan with burns on it. I have muscles in places I didn't know had muscles. I have on and off aches and pains, blisters, scratches, and plum tuckered out!

Most days I am grimy, sweaty, filthy, and smelly. My nails, even when clean, have taken on a strange brown color. My hair has suffered terribly with usually being knotted up behind my head in a twisted bun. I find chunks of dirt in every crevice, crack, and hairy area on my body. My work bra has a earthy look to its once baby blue hue.

I have 3 working gardens and working towards more. I am planning a food forest to be planted next spring that needs to be planned and worked on this season. I have a pond I am digging and the land around it will become a shade garden. I have plans on making a south facing passive solar greenhouse so I can have fresh produce in the winter growing kale and other cool friendly foods and right now we are getting the retaining walls installed to prevent anymore erosion and stop flooding in the basement.

Lots of positive projects planned. I am looking forward to getting my farm going and get it going great! My goal is to not buy any veggies at all. Possibly not buy any fruit or nuts either. Got to keep working!!
This is the kind of work that keeps you healthy and lively and happy. Nothing quite like it!

Git'R Done!

I have been in this house almost 9 years. We moved in September of 2002. Soon after we moved in the screen door had a piece break off. A few months later the other screen door on a different entryway was caught in a gust of wind and a piece broke off. Both had the same injury. Fast forward to now and the second door chopped off a length of the dogs tail and had to have surgery to fix it. The cost to fix the tail was more than to fix the door when the first thing broke off it. It was never fixed and never replaced. I was so pissed I literally ripped the fucking door off the hinges and threw my dogs tail away after we got home from the vet.

This is the typical bullshit. This past year I grew weary and disgusted with how things were progressing. I decided it was time to shake the shit out of Ferdinand and take the bull by the horns and get some work done around here.

In the 9 years there have been a lot of negative changes to the house because of a lack of preventiveness. now we are playing catch up! Better late than never, but this has turned me into a strict warden. A wicked slave driver.

We are now getting to the end of getting our retaining wall replaced with decorative pavestone. For the past six years I start the project, when the basement floods, of shoveling out shovel fulls of sloppy mud and making the water drain away from the house. We discuss the project and then it fizzles away. Camping, fishing, and BBQ dinners take over.

This time I put my foot down and I have already stated after this project we have more but for right now stay focused! We still need another weekend to finish this and my husband started to plan a trip to Oklahoma to dig for salt crystals. I said NO! We are going to finish this wall!

I have noticed that if I do not nag and bitch then NOTHING gets done. I know another woman that has the same problem and her man complains she nags and bitches too much.

HELLO!!! If you would man up and pull your own weight with house maintenance and chores without making "mama" scold you and remind you then you would not be nagged!

It is not my first choice to behave like this. I would like to say, "XYZ is broken, let's fix it this weekend." And be done with it. But NOOOO, I hear, "Oh shit I forgot to get the part for XYZ." or "I don't have the money for XYZ this week, why didn't you remind me."

Until the men can do their end of the deal without "mama" to remind them or tell them it is time to do it, then the nagging, bitching, and slave driver attitude will continue until the work is complete. Because after this many years all the nicey nice wifey poo wore off many many MANY moons ago.

Next time you hear that whip crack you better not talk back just better Git'R Done!

Hands

Today I took a long look at my hands. I do this from time to time. Whenever I do I think of my Grandma, aka, Ma-maw. She was a tiny woman. The heaviest she ever weighed was 107 pounds and she was pregnant and when my aunt was born she was 7 pounds. When she died she was a tiny 88 pounds. Once she got as tiny as 73 pounds. She was tiny but she was wiry and she was a tough old bird. When a person survives polio and not only survives but had three children and walked when her folks said she never would, they are tough. She died tough too. A fighter to the very end.

What I remember the most about her though is her hands. The hours I would lie with my head in her lap and watch scary movies with Elvira as the hostess on Saturday night. Mostly I would lie and look at her hands to keep from seeing the scary parts. I close my eyes and her hands are what I see. The smells from cooking, cleaning, smoking, and the scent of Oil of Olay on her hands.  My youngest was 2 when she died in my arms, next week will be his 9th birthday and her 7th anniversary of her death. She told me in the hospital she was sorry she couldn't make it to the baby's party. The look in her eyes told me it was soon going to be the last time I saw those big blue eyes and last time I saw her hands.

When I got older and I could carry on a conversation we would sit and talk for hours about ghosts,aliens, astrology, numerology, and various other non-Christian topics. She told me things she never shared with the rest of the family. She was revered just before her death by her daughters as being a good Baptist woman. I didn't know that woman. I knew the little old lady that was known for her fiery temper, not afraid of using her shot gun, and pronounced many words incorrectly because of her Appalachian upbringing. She was a witchy woman with a kettle of food always brewing but she only drank coffee.

She was difficult, stubborn, and hell bent on things going a certain way.  She was tender, loving, and only whipped you if you scared her.

I miss you, Grandma. I am grateful for you teaching me how to cook when the cupboards looked bare. Thank you for showing me how to get grease from clothes. Thank you for opening my mind to other possibilities other than religion. Thank you! You were the best damn old lady in the world. Thank you for the many hours you spent with me. I am sad you can no longer physically interface with me but I know you are doing something grand and new. Just promise me to keep your shot gun in the closet ;o)

Seven years feel like yesterday and at the same time 100 years ago. Enjoy your journey! Until we meet again in another life, I still love you.

Yours truly,
Pumpkin 

Time to Shake Things Up!

I really wanted to rise above the negativity. I really wanted to be something more. I wanted to be the change I seek in the world. I find being that person is harder than giving up sugar. Being that person is harder than the two packs a day I use to smoke.

Why is it so hard? Why does being an optimist feel so difficult? Why is it so easy to slip back into negative thought patterns and negative drama? It takes a lot of work to rise above all the negative bullshit that swims around us all day long. From Jerry Springer freaks to your own illogical and insane family, we are swimming in a sea of despair. You find yourself a little peaceful island and sometimes you find a couple like minded friends to hang with and then your slammed with a hurricane that drags your ass back to the sea.

I know, I know, "Misery loves company!" I want to know WHY!? What causes your aunt, mother, father, grandfather, friends, etc... think their miserable existence is the way to go. Are they that blind and asleep that they cannot see how miserable they are?

This week I took time to meditate, I took time to reflect,  and I took time to observe the patterns and people that seem to have the ability to drag me down into the sea. I think it is time to turn off the phone. Turn in my key. And check out from those situations for a bit and gather my wits and senses.

Time to take charge of myself and be OK with what happens. Not everybody will understand and not everybody will appreciate what I am doing for myself. That is something they will have to deal with.

I don't know how this will play out or how it will look. I will continue with my Spidey-Observer senses and keep a look-out for energy drainers!

Time to shake things up a bit and be good to myself!

Can You Hear That???

I have been having weird conversations with my oldest son lately. The newest one was how he knows who is in another room without seeing them. We compared notes. We both the knack of picking up details other miss. For instance he knows when it is his dad because his joints crackle and pop. He said he knows it is me because he states I stomp every where. I laughed.

I do stomp. I like to stomp. I like the force and the feeling beneath my feet. It feels so grounding. I started stomping a few years back. I can't remember why, but I know I quit "floating" around everywhere I went. I grew tired of always trying to be fairy and fluid like with feathery steps. I tip-toed around for years trying hard not to stomp and not sound like a "bull in a china cabinet" all the time.
I gave it up and did not think much about it. Until my son mentioned to me. Moi? Stomp? Damn straight I do! Proud of it. It is who and what I am. In face I would love to be part of the Stomp group, now that would be fun! And at least I do not snap, crackle, and pop around!

Nobody wants to be alone!

Gopher, the male cat, is lying between my husband and I. These past 2 weeks have been hard on him. His adopted sister, Spotted Leaf, decided she needed to spread her wings and fly. No, really! She sliced open a window screen from a second floor window and jumped out and came up missing for days. Gopher moped and whined and sulked around the house. He even took it upon himself to bring her home. He escaped as well for a night here and there. She would come home hungry and tired. Several nights ago Gopher left and did not come home for several days. I feared the worse. My big sweet kitty out in the country alone. He was a house cat not an outside warrior cat! My kitty pet came home late. A couple nights ago and Spotted Leaf came along as well. She stayed here for her usual rest and food then left early this morning. She never even told Gopher goodbye. Tonight, I think, the lonliness got to him. He came to bed. Gopher found us on July 4th, 2010. Spotted Leaf found us at the end of August. Both were hungry freashly weaned kittens.

Poor Gopher. He wants his playmate back and she can only think of freedom.

I suppose I can let him sleep with us like he did the month before she came. This is proof nobody likes to be alone!

I am lying in bed thinking about how scary the future looks. I hate being so pessimistic. I am not one to dwell on such things. This is not about the second coming of Christ or an imminent alien invasion. This is about our well being on so many levels. Our corporate government is not only destroying our foods source with GMO's, oil spills, pesticides (bee deaths result in no pollination of our food), pollution,  CO2, global climate change and lack of policies to fix the problems, rules about what we can and cannot eat (as in raw milk), and the list goes on and on. Now I discover how the USA has went around screwing other nations and destroying their food source and their economics so the leaders of our corporations can get richer. This week alone I heard about how India is fighting of American corporations to get nuclear power plants installed. We also want them to buy our GMO seeds. How we used nuclear weapons in Iraq and the babies being born there now are born without brains and severe birth defects. We (Americans) are telling people not to have children. The icing on the cake was Monsanto is suing Germany because Germany does not want Monsanto's evil GMO seeds in their country. We, the United States, is evil and it is no wonder everybody hates us and I fear the what you give/what you receive will come into play at some point. The pot will boil over. We have had it good, very good, far to long. Americans hate the government, the world hates our government. a bunch of low down lying bastards only worried about getting richer and nothing more. I do feel a little pessimistic about the future because of the lies, the corruption, and the lack of moral convictions of being a decent human.

Thank you, Germany, for standing your ground and not allowing Monsanto in. Keep fighting!!!! Monsanto is the devil!

My day.

It has been a long time since I have written about my day. A simple little note jotted down about my simple little day. It seems so quaint!

I got up this morning and grabbed up my frizzy curly mop and strangled it with an elastic and made a quick messy bun. I found some dying yoga pants and a stained yellow tank top. I quickly got dressed and headed downstairs to eat and begin the day. I talked to my mother and my mother in law on the phone. Made a veggie burger on gluten free toast with mayo for breakfast. Kids ran through their normal school work and added on some Khan Academy for a bit extra. Around noon we were complete with school and headed outside. I found a trash can under my pine tree and took it back to my neighbor's house next door. I picked up trash on the way back. I buried a dead chicken with flies flying out of it. I placed rocks on the grave to keep critters from digging it up. After that excitement I watered my strawberry garden, veggie garden, and my soon to be sweet tater patch. Watered the four fruit trees and five fruit bushes. I came in the house and discovered it was 2pm! Where had my day gone? I had a dry corn muffin left over from the dinner the night before and gulped down a big glass of water, checked my Facebook page then headed back out within 30 minutes. I started the grill with woods and put the arm roast in the iron dutch oven to cook. Before I put the roast in I had to wash the dutch oven with dish soap out in the yard with a hose. The D.O. is HUGE and my sink was full of dishes. The oil in the D.O. was rancid and needed to be cleaned out. While the roast was cooking, I needed to keep an eye on the grill so I could keep adding logs when needed, I scrubbed the concrete patio that the grill resides on and the little concrete porch in front of the first door. I had the kids going around picking up trash, broken toys, cans used as target practice, etc...

I came into the house and did the dishes, cleaned the pot that was left out in the yard to scald poultry for butchering. I sent two of the kids out to paint the chicken tractor "artistically" and helped them gather paints from around the house. I finished cooking the roast and added carrots, mushrooms, and brussel sprouts to the pot and then cook waffle fries all on the grill. I had just finished eating dinner and thinking of relaxing on the futon with the kids when my husband walked through the door. Back to work I went. I went back to digging trenches. My hands hurt, my feet hurt from stepping on a shovel in the same spot over and over. I am burnt from being outside almost non-stop since noon until almost 9pm. My big toes hurt from being in my work boots all day. I am exhausted. I will be glad when the trenches are filled in with rock and the walls are installed. All this digging could be used towards my pond!

At least I have coconut oil for my burn and a soft bed to lie in for the night. *yawn* Yep, it is spring. I am beat.

Little tid bit

It is common for stay-at-home moms to hear comments about how their life is actually easier than the working mother. That is because the working mother has to actually work. I myself had heard this many times from working mothers. I am not saying their life is not difficult but mine is in no way easier. If anything it is harder. Harder because I don't have much adult time. Harder because my boys are always home which equates to more messes. The house is always in a state of chaos and disorder because there are three boys with three different attitudes about cleanliness. They each pull out and muck up the house in their own personal way. I have them help me, but if anybody has three boys you know this is like trying to make pancakes in a tornado.

I would like it if people would realize that many stay-at-home mothers are busy people. We are not watching soaps, or TV for that matter. We are not sitting around eating bon-bons and abusing prescription pain killers. We are outside watering plants, burying dead chickens, starting wood fires to cook dinner, dishes, laundry, picking up dead squished blood filled ticks, bathing dogs, and in my case, homeschooling before we "start the day." When working mothers are planning on getting off work I have already been on my feet working several hours while most of them have sat behind a desk.

My wish is everybody stop putting labels on others. Stop the stereotypes. I am sure there are some mothers that stay home and do nothing! From my experience those that say those things about us mothers that stay home with our children are the ones that lie around and do nothing when they are not at work.  Unlike you, I don't have a day off. I am at work 24/7/365. Just respect my work and my decision.
That is all I ask for.

Roller Coaster?

Ever notice how your life emotional ups and downs are called a "roller coaster?" Were those the people that took the chicken exit? Roller coaster is the place you look forward to the ups and downs and really love the downs. You love the downs so much you throw your arms in the air and scream with delight. In real life when you have a down you curl in a ball and cry yourself to sleep or you go into a rage or you simply go numb with despair. You don't throw your arms above your head and scream as loud as you can with a huge shit eaten grin on your face. If you did people in white jackets will come pick your ass up!

I know why we call it a roller coaster because of the ups and downs. I just don't know WHY! Could we not think of anything better? Drowning, now that brings up a nasty but real despair image. Burning, trapped, caged, fenced in, and/or abandoned work as well. We seem stuck on roller coaster. I hear it quite a bit. I have no point I suppose. I just don't like taking the roller coasters name in vain! It deserves our respect for all the joy it brings. It is wrong to associate it with turmoil. Swamped, bushwhacked, or bamboozeled. Lots of words for different circumstances and emotions.


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I woke up to find this entry. I don't have the drive to write any more about this so it will stop where it stopped last night.

_

I Touch Myself

I have been thinking about my next painting project. When one sheet of paper costs $11 a sheet you take the time to think about it. I do anyhow!

What I came up with was ME! Moi! I am going to paint myself. I am going to be bold and pose in the nude and have Sam take pictures. I have done this already in the tub and am now wanting more shots to see which ones I like better. This is very bold for me and this required an anthem! 

Who cares?

I am running to the car with my jeans on and white button shirt. My recital is in an hour and I am running behind. I am to be on stage at 6pm for a last minute rehearsal and I am going to be late. I jump into the van ready to pull out onto the street and my husband turns his head with a look of panic and concern on his face, "I can tell you are wearing a blue bra! You should..."

"I don't have time to go find my white one! Besides this is baby blue not bright blue! Drive already, we've got to GO!"
I whipped out my lipstick and put it on and pulled my hankies out of the glove box to assemble the last bit of my costume.
My husband begins to tell me he knows where my white bra is and still seems concerned. I roll my eyes and state that I do not have time and I don't care.

This got the gears moving in this ol' brain of mine. People care too much about the wrong things. We care what people think about everything! I have a friend that, in my opinion, misses out on some great ladies because they do not come up to the standard of what others might like. He chooses to be alone and lust after these women in secret instead of being brave and not giing a damn what others think and go for it. Instead he occasionally finds a woman that will date him that looks the part and they last about a month or less. He cares too much about what others think and cares not enough about his personally happiness.

My husband is not that bad, obviously, because he married me. He didn't care if I was model quality eye candy. He knew what he liked and grabbed onto it. Yet, he has his times when he cares far too much about what others think. I for one find that if someone dislikes you based of petty reason then why would you want them around?

These are some of the things I have heard over the years:

"I couldn't be seen with her. Have you seen the shoes she wears?"
"I can't leave the house without make-up on!"
Wrinkled person said, " I have got to color my hair today and cover my white hair. Don't want people thinking I am old!"
Skinny person tugging on skin on their belly, "I have got to something about this. I am fat!"
"I can't be seen with him. He's weird!"
"I cannot wear glasses out in public. You are the only person that knows I can't see! Help me find my contact!"
" Are you really going to wear that out in public?"
"Sit down! Before someone looks over hear."
"Be quiet! Shhhhh! OMG, I wonder what they are thinking!?"


We worry to much about what others will think. We want everyone to approve our weight, clothes, shoes, make-up, mates, friends, work, etc... Meanwhile we are afraid of just being. We are trapped and unhappy and struggle for independence from an invisible cage. We even shun those that are brave and do break free. We roll our eyes at the choice of their mates, shoes, lack of make-up, etc...

I for one am tired of people expecting myself and others to jump through hoops to please them and those same people going nuts trying to jump through the hoops as well. Stop complaining about those last couple pounds, the bad hair cut, the pimple, the bathing suit, the unshaved body parts, the make-up, the clothes, the ...... it is an endless messy list.

Let it go! Do your best and stop the stress. I eat right, I bathe, I exercise, I treat people right, I help when I can and when I feel called to, I am not perfect, I accept my body is not perfect, my hair is not perfect, my teeth are not perfect, my skin is not perfect. My weight is not perfect. My life is not perfect. It is what it is and I do my best. I also do my best without stress. Do I like every hair cut? No. Do I like seeing my hair turn white? Not really. Do I like the fact I weigh what I do? Nope. But freaking out only makes it worse. Fretting like a child just drives others nuts and still does not solve the issues.

I invite you all to stop obsessing over trivial crap. Stop freaking out over the hiccups. See the bigger picture of life. We really don't have a lot of time in our human skins. Some less than others. Do you really want to miss out of joy and love and peace because you are trying desperately to please some impossible ideal set forth by others or even by yourself?

You want to miss out on love and companionship because the mate you really like is not the eye candy you think your buddie want you to have? You really want to sit and weep for weeks over a cavitity, bad hair cut, bad hair color, stained shirt, ripped jeans, scuffed shoe, broken lamp? You really think you are too ugly to be seen without make-up? Do you really want a man that can't stand to see you unless you have on make-up?

I am not really a rebel. I am just a woman not willing to play the game of what others might think! I stopped shaving my pits only because I kepted getting red bumps, dry skin, and irritation. They are all better now! I stopped coloring my hair because I found the dyes expensive. I stopped getting my eye brows waxed because I hated waiting in line to be tortured and then I always felt silly with a pencil thin line of brow. I don't shave my pussy for men because it is suppose to be there! I don't paint my toes or my nails because of the constant maintance! I don't do hair styles because I have no patience for rollers, curling irons, and hair spray. I don't do hose because I always have a run.

I am not a rebel. I am just someone that stood up to the stupid status quo and said ENOUGH! And I quit stressing about it as well. Try it. PLEASE? Because you all are stressing me out with your petty bullshit! ;)

Spreading it too thin

I have several friends that "spread it too thin." Meaning they are so busy that they miss life because they try to do it all and be it all and miss the very essence of life. Friends that pop in and out of functions so they can make the next one. Checking the time to get to the next place in time, not on time, just in time. They call you as they drive to "squeeze you in" as they whisk off to meet others. Meanwhile they complain about not having lasting deep connections with people. They complain they cannot get stuff completed. They complain they are a nervous wreck and stressed out. Yet, they continue that life style not realizing two important issues. 1. You cannot make connections when you wil not put the time into it. People don't feel close to people when they check their watch or calling you up while driving to a friends dinner party and say to you, "I only have a minute and wanted to touch base with you." 2. When you are not present you cannot get projects complete and you will always feel stressed. You are out of touch with life and you think being busy is life. If being busy was life then why do you feel stressed and hurried and have poor relationships?

After several scary panic attacks I decided I needed to change my life. I thought about what I disliked in people and realized I was just like that. I know at times life can get away and I then spread it too thin as well, but for the most part I keep the slate clean now so I can enjoy life to the fullest and be present. When there is a friends party coming up I only go to one. The one that requested me first. If I am not sure if I can come I state that. I do not make empty promises. I do not choose the party or outing that sounds more fun nor do I try to squeeze another one in. It is a choice I make so I can be more of a real friend and a trustworthy friend than a buzzing flighy busy bee of a friend.

I now take time for me and my family and take time before jumping into anything I think, "Will this be more stress in my life to do this or will it find its nitch and not rock the boat of sanity?"

Life is short and rushing around doing basically time wasteing bullshit is not for me. I would rather sit and watch an ant pick up a dead fly and carry it home for supper than be busy for busy sake!

I just wished my busy friends would take the time to breathe and relax and stop all this nonsense of go go do and the need to be a superhero of juggling time. Be a superfriend instead and just be there!

Zzzzzz...that means, "GO TO BED!"

Zzzzzz here in America means you are sawing logs which means you are snoring which means you are sleeping. Right now the whole house, except me, is Zzzzzzz. I write a blog not for anyone person. I just write what is on my mind. I sometimes share on FB something but most of the time I do not. I know anybody can read these but I don't do it for you, the reader, I do it for me.

I have noticed lately that most of the women I know are very unhappy with their male partner. They always "look" happy. Yet, I am discovering that I am not alone in feeling alone. I have noticed that we all share a secret unspoken bond of lonliness while in a crowd. We are also expected to keep up appearances. We are to be June Cleaver and not Rosanne!

I notice a bitterness. A strong flavor of, "Fuck you!" With a thick slice of smiles and girlish giggles.

Why is it so hard for men to realize that if we start getting our emotional support someplace else we will, at some point, stay someplace else. How thick headed can you get? You men have no right to get jealous when you won't step up to do your duty. Yes, I see that as your duty. If you are in a partnership then you need to behave like a parnter and be there emotionally as well as physically. There is more to a relationship that your woman making dinner and you busting a nut!

Now I know why many women over 40 ditch their men and become lesbian. Tired of waiting for a cranky selfish bastard to fall asleep everytime you say a word and never home the rest of the time and when awake bug you for a blow job like a little kid in a candy store for a jawbreaker.

Meanwhile, we women wait. We waste years of our lives waiting. Growing bitter, cold, numb, and slightly evil.
We are masters of passive aggressive behavior, of course, until we snap.
Then you better wish you were someplace else!

I want to move to Denmark.

I have not a drop of Danish blood. I am not a Viking. I am an American mutt. I have Native American, French. Gypsy, Irish, English, German, and the list could go on. I am the melting pot. Sadly, not a Dane.

Why do I care?

I read an article the other day about the happiest places in the world and the most religious in the world. Denmark was the happiest and the LEAST religious. They are proof that religions are not any good. Proof that life is better when you don't have a dogma to follow. On the flip side the countries/ areas that are the most religious have higher amounts of depression. Guess what, it was America and also the Middle East. Two groups of very depressed religious people fighting while the Danes sip wine, laugh, and shake their heads in disbelief in our stupidity. I want to be a Dane and be accepted as is.

I think religions are the evil of this world. They are no longer needed. We are smart. We can reason. We can think. We know the difference between right and wrong. We do not need a religion to wear around like a badge to prove we are special.

I feel angry when I hear people say, "He must be a good boy. He is raised from a good Christian family." The worst one was from my snake oil salesman type neighbor when he was threatening to take my land away (long story) he smiled a toothy grin and grabbed at his heart, "I am a good Christian man." I was afraid of that man right then.

I do have Christian friends, but it usually does not take them long to see life is better over here without all that baggage. They convert into heathens. "Join me, brothers, join me. The water is fine." Life is too short for the trouble of keeping up appearances for someone else's benefit.

The Life and Time of Mary Ellis

What? You expecting something about Mary Ellis? I don't know any Mary Ellis! I just made that up.

I do know a Mary and the last time I saw her she was not very friendly towards me. She seem to have this idea I was trying to get her boyfriend to break up with her. On account that he would not come out of my house when she drove by to pick him up. When Mary accused me of this I asked her why SHE dropped him off in the first place? Besides My boyfriend was there the whole time he was. She was convinced I made him break up. Whatever!

Drama. I really loathe the stuff. Some folks seem to thrive on it. When there is not enough drama in their lives they make some. Like dropping their boyfriend off at your female friend's house then blame her for the break-up.

Highschool was full of drama. Thick, like pea soup, and murky, like the muddy Mississippi. I don't miss it at all. In fact I don't miss anything in my life that included. Large amount of drama. I do my best to avoid it at all costs! It is not healthy.

He said, she said, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing to gain, yet, we humans do it all the time.
I am all for a drama free life. Screw that stupid "complain free world" Unity is pushing. Talk about an invite to let people walk all over you. No, let's have a drama free world.

We all take responsibility for our actions, moods, and reactions. We accept people just as they are and do not expect them to change to please us. We love everybody as is and do not expect that love back. Just be! Don't force it but go with the flow. You know people live longer in the water when the relax, float, and go with the current. People drown when they fight against the flow and panic.

Yep, let us all create a drama free world, now!

power is out

My youngest woke me to tell me the power was out. That has not happened in a long time but being in the country like we are it does happen. Funny thing is, we usually lose power on nice days and not stormy days. I called it in and they said 1 to 3 hours. I am actually liking it. The fridge is not humming, the furnace is not roaring, and my teenage son cannot play his very loud guitar and stereo! Instead I can hear the birds outside chirping and calling in the new day.

I am right now just in a reflective mood. The past week was terrible. It was stressful. I am glad my mother is doing better and life feels a little more normal than it did. It will never be "normal" because now I know how damaged my mothers lungs, kidneys, heart, and other ailments are. My husband also came in and said out of the blue he wanted to do yoga last night. That was amazing!

The dogs are not normal this past week either. Lil' Ann, the German Shorthair Pointer, has been chasing our cats and nipping at them and jumping the gates, we installed to keep them in a certain room, and eating our bread, ALL the bread, while we are away. Socrates, the German Shepherd, has decide to leave the cats alone and has figured how to open the gates and tear up the trash.

Well time to stop blogging on my phone. Time to find cold food to eat and play Uno with the boys.

Osama bin Laden is dead, oh my!

At this point this information is not new. You would have to live in a cave to not know Osama bin Laden died Monday to two fatal gun shot wounds to the head. Obviously, he was super human because they needed two! Everybody else dies with only one shot to the head. I think this is where the term "over kill" was coined, perhaps?

Sunday night (Monday where he was killed) Facebook was swamped with joy about his death. "Woot" and "woo hoo" and "yay!" All I could think of was how this was going to hurt us. Humans has a nasty habit of playing eye for an eye game. The humans with simple minds want to run out and hurt someone because we got hurt. If I remember right it was Jesus that preached we stop that kind of caveman thinking and become enlightened enough to stop chasing each other around to one up another.
I fear the people that followed him will now have more fuel added to their already insane fire to react violently to not only the news of his death but to the news of Americas reaction to it. What we have unknowingly said to those people is "bring it on!"

Americans have been swept away with the notion that this one man is to blame. I am not saying I agreed with him. I know he hated us. I know his heart was filled with anger, hatred, and malice. I know he claimed he was responsible. I just think we bought into the idea he was to blame so deeply we could not see the big picture. As if killing him would make the problem disappear. As if murder reduces murder. We as a nation never stopped to think, period.

Put yourself, just for a moment, into Osama bin Laden's shoes. Our way of living so freely is a scary threat to his belief. He sees our way of living as a cancer. He sees his people wearing American clothes and listening to American music and eating American foods. He fears his culture is disappearing and he reacts. He finds others scared as well. They talk about how they should ban together and find ways to change the culture back into Islam and not American. How is that any different to what groups here in America do? There are more radical Christians groups here in the USA that have money and political influence to make changes based on their beliefs. They have followers too. They are doing things I don't like. Should we shoot them too?

Now, put yourself in Osama bin Laden's family's shoes. They don't have those same beliefs. They work and some live here in the USA from time to time. His family is large and rich. They are westernized. Yet, they still love the little Osama they use to know. They are saddened and concerned about how he lives his life. They worry for his safety daily because they know he has pissed of the US and they know he is being hunted down like a fox. Even though he is not doing as they expected. Even though he is causing trouble, the family bond is still there. Do you think they are rejoicing and celebrating his death? Do you think they are outside pumping their fist screaming "USA!!!" Are they Facebooking and saying, "woot!"
I think they are sad and crying for his life and probably angry on how we are handling it. Wouldn't you be that way as well if it was your nutty religious fanatic trouble making brother?

We need to stop the eye for an eye mentality and find some love in our hearts. Should start by being humbled by his death.

Bedtime yet?

All day I have been dragging. I woke up during the night twice to weird ass dream and freaky ass nightmare. I got up at 8am but it was a struggle. I told the kids we were going to do school this week and they are moaned and whimpered and yelled in anger. They had the week off while I was sitting next to my mother in the hospital. It was hard to get back into the routine. Even for me. I did the dishes, cleaned off the counters, and swept the floor. I helped Zane and Jonah with school and had to yell at James about doing his. I watered the gardens, weeded, pulled radishes, and took a shower. Then I drove into town to see my mother. After that we hit the store and the library and then came home to make dinner. After making a curry subje, picking lettuce for salad, and making salad dressing all I could think about was sleeping!

As I was dozing off my Dad called and told me what I should do tomorrow when I go to the hospital. That visit will be between my dance practice and music lessons for 2 of the boys. I am needing some huggy snuggly time.

What I really want is to sit outside while it is calm and look at the stars are cuddly under a blanket and perhaps sleep there.

Notice my theme? Sleep! Yawn! I....am....going....to...go....to....Zzzzzzz.

Fuck it!

I feel like screaming "Fuck it!" And perhaps a "fuck you!" Right now! Gadzooks what a stressful, top ten list, stressful kind of week. Actually it has only been 5 days. Not a full week, yet. I lost it on Thursday. I cried so hard I couldn't see to drive. I collected myself and began to drive again and lost it again. I came home. I went to see my mom a couple hours later because I needed to cry. I even told my husband that I could not tell him to stay or go but I did tell him I felt abandoned during my time of need. I couldn't whip out supermom hero shit. I was too zapped after hospital stays to have energy for extras. He finished the shopping for the weekend on Thursday afternoon and then helped me. We agreed he would go Friday and spend the night but he would have his phone on him in case I needed him. I called him Friday afternoon that he needed to come home. I needed him. He came through for me and took the boys home and I spent the night at my in-laws so I could stay there late at the hospital and be there early in the morning. I am still needed at the hospital. The nurse said it was really important to have the family there to force her to do the breathing treatments every half hour. She can now feed herself and can sit up so we are seeing improvements.

This does not get to my FUCKing problem.....

Problem is this. I am an only child. It all has landed on me. My Dad is now the only income so he counts on me to help out at the hospital. Being a girl the communication wand was passed to me as well. My feeble free time is dodging phone calls and talking endlessly on the same subject. This also include facebook friends/family, and emails. My cell phone is ALWAYS going off! And only once was it something fun! An invite to a bonfire. I also am dealing with stressed out people. Crying, wailing, and blubbering. People with all the answers and angry people that use that emotion instead of saddness. I am so tired. I miss my kids. My cat, Mrs Martha Washington, misses me so much she jumped in bed with me last night. She never jumps in my bed!
I am also eating at the hospital for at least one meal a day.

This fuckin sucks!

I want some wine, hot tubby with smelly salts, and a massage. I could use some loving pampering.

Universe, I deserve that fun and joy and all that good juju stuff we talked about before. Come on! You can do it!