A journey to wholeness

Life experiences have a way of making or breaking you. I've decided that breaking is bad for me and I'm going to go with making.

I felt like a jagged stone thrown into a tumbler. I've been banging around for years, and I mean years.

I've dealt with bullying, back stabbing "friends", lying people, angry mother, sick mother, dying mother, and then dead mother. Sick grandma to the dead grandma. Depression, crippling depression. Addictions. Friendless, anger, jealousy, loneliness, and much of this in a solitary state.

Husband was in the navy and I was alone raising our son. My only friends were a coke head with mental issues and a drug dealer that hated my druggy friend.

When I moved back home my friends had all moved on and I was now alone raising 2 kids then 3 while my husband continue to carry on as if he was still in the navy, never home.

Life seemed to be one pile of shit after another. The tipping point was the failed adoption and the dead mother few months later.

At first I feel into a deep depression. Sucked into a miserable state of mind. Again,  practically friendless. One friend in California texted me every day. Just to day hello and tell me about her weather, her kids, her daycare job, and about anything else. She asked about my Dad and talked about my mom.

Another friend invited me to his meditation group. Another to a drum circle. Another for drinks.

It has been a year and one month since my mom died and Flint, the baby I named and couldn't keep, will be 2 in December.

I've made a lot of changes. I'm exercising again, dancing around, laughing, and painting. I'm starting yoga teacher training in September and Buddhist College in October. I'm learning how to hula hoop. I visited that friend in California in June. I signed my kids up with virtual school to take some pressure off me.

Life is finally, going into my 4th decade, getting to be something fun and something to look forward too.

I'm healthier in mind, body, and spirit. I'm making great friends and learning new and exciting things.

My relationship with my husband has matured and is easing into something firm and real.

Life is getting better. It's transforming. With that I'm going to let go of this blog and begin anew.

If you read this and know me contact me and I will send you to my new blog when I get it up and running.

With love and thanks for those people that stayed with me as I stumbled around.

Walking around the corners of my mind

Today I thought of all the impossible stuff. The stuff you giggle about to yourself. Like having pointy fairy ears that magic would pop out the tips.

I like to think we all think impossible dreams and some not so impossible dreams, but they give the illusion of impossibility.

I have funny little day dreams. Swirling fog, Hobbit houses, green ivy, moist bogs. I wish I could even have my own Bogert for protection from the nymphs.

Magical impossible dreams. Why do I waste time thinking about something I can not have?

I sometimes feel completely detached from the reality of this realm.

Lovely sunny warm days in a wildflower meadow making love to my lover on a soft blanket near a babbling brook...all on my head.

Waiting for reality to catch up with my thoughts.

Shhhh...

Sitting on my front porch. Ninety-one degrees and it feels cool. Breeze blowing, bugs chirping, highway humming in the distance. Everything, except the highway, is enjoyable.

I'm not alone though. My husband is here. He is asleep. He left work early because he needed to gather his senses. I've witnessed him sleeping three times since coming home. It's difficult to talk to someone that yawns and goes to sleep at the drop of a hat.

We were trying to discuss our new future. A future where we need to find ourselves. We never really did that. We got married at 18, 19 owned a house, and 3 days (7 days for him) before my (our) 21st birthday we had our first son. Sixteen years and three kids later, our youngest is 10 years old.

Our children are very independent and are needing us less and less in there lives. Which is fine, for them, but we are lost and know not what to do. My husband and I ate on the same page. He said he use to come home and did stuff with the kids. Now he just comes home and they barely notice. The boys ask me when I'm going on another vacation without them.

Our lives have changed and we are scrambling to fill in the holes that are gaping and empty from the hatchings attempting to leave the nest.

We use to joke that divorced people had it great; built in babysitters every other week. Now we realize that they also found ways to live their lives without kids during those times and we don't have those skills.

I wish I had a genie; a lamp to rub. I want to make three wishes....

.....but what to wish for?

We need to talk...

.....Famous last words to a perfectly good day.

I've been having these types of conversations with loved ones lately. My desires and wishes and needs are not being met. I decided I needed to let those people around me that I was unhappy and I expected change.

Change is inevitable; it happens. I want it to happen in a positive loving manner.

My life; inner and outer feels chaotic and  in turmoil. Nightmares, disconnect with loved ones, and armed to the gills with satanic slurs. My feelings of frustration is real. I am disgusted with how I'm being treated. I'm working on finding and being myself.

I've been really calm with this. I've been really sincere. I'm not playing games. I just need people to realize I am not a piece of stone that doesn't feel. I'm not a doormat. I'm not an idiot, piece of trash, or worthless heap.

If you find me going into seclusion then I'm probably avoiding your drama.

In the silence of sadness

Just as my life seems to be getting better. The clenching hold of sadness is beginning to release; my Dad throws down a bomb, ever so quietly.

My Dad was sharing what he was watching on TV and said, "There was this doctor on the other night and said if you don't have a purpose in life then your heart will stop beating. I was thinking I don't really have a purpose since you're mom died. It's very quiet here now and boring. I don't have anybody that needs me."

I held back my overwhelming sadness hearing this and said, "I need you Dad. The boys need you. Your 4 dogs and cat need you. You just need to find something to do."

I've talked to him about getting a hobby, going to a mens group, and even doing stuff with us as a family. Every time an excuse, every time he says no.

I can't make him do anything. He has to want it. I can only make suggestions and offer to help, by staying with his dogs.

My fear of my Dad giving up is real, now. He refuses to meet people; male or female. He refuses to go places or do things with me or any one else. He refuses to be social, period. He is sitting there bored and it sounds like letting death creep in because of loneliness.

It fills me with great sadness, a silent sadness, that I might have to go through this whole dying parent thing, again, sooner rather than later.
I feel really helpless and alone in this. My mother would be furious with him right now. That's the problem, she's not here to be furious and it's not my place to bully my father. I can only offer and wait for him to take my hand.

Change

Change. It thunders through your soul. It slices through your heart. It weakens your logic and strengthens your fears. Change laughs in your face because it knows you cannot stop it. Shiver. Cry. Whimper. Die a little. Its always there, lurking behind fence posts and dodging behind the curtains. Change is like rain; you want it but not today. It soaks you when you only wanted a sprinkle. Change makes the rules, not you!

I only have one request, Change, can you make sure its an easy ride and its fun for all? I can take on change when I know the end result is happy fun joy!
Until I get an answer,Change, I will work on managing my panic attacks, thanks.

Where are all the couples?

In the past few months I've seen an overwhelming amount of couples fleeing the bonds of couplehood.

One friend left her husband for a new man, another is liking for a new house to end possibly end their marriage soon, another friend said adios and left her S.O. in the dust. Another friend leaves her husband for week at a time and he doesn't call her and she doesn't call him to inform each other of the reason behind being AWOL.

The rest of my friends fall into categories of being jealous or disgusted. I fall somewhere in between the cracks.

What is the reason for the great exodus? I personally think it's midlife crisis for some. Others the men were, and still are, losers. Mostly, I think my almost 40 year old friends are finding themselves and discovering that the men in their lives are not on the same page and instead of working around that they ditch them like hot potatoes and that is that.

I find it equally interesting that, from an astrological standpoint, we just went through a trying time with Venus being in retrograde. It was a time that was all about relationships. It could go either way, but it brought out the truth and it was there to make us deal with it.

I'm noticing that most of my friends dealt with it by throwing in the towel and jumping ship. That works, but did you learn anything?
I want immune to relationship woes. I've had a strained relationship with a couple of friends. I'm not setting it getting any better right away. We are heating into Mercury retrograde; a breakdown in communication and transportation hiccups.

So hold on my wayward friends, your relationships are going to be tested, again....and your business and your patience.

Keep calm and carry on.

Keeping Up Appearances

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mom dying. It was a typical day. The family went to dinner for my son's birthday, which we didn't do last year because of my mom. We went to the water park and just hung out. Life was its normal self.

After taking my normal self to bed I son discovered that not everything was normal. I woke up at 2am, 3am, and again 4 am from a long running nightmare of my mom dying. A crazy dream ensued and left me terribly miserable. The 4 am wake up left me sobbing and snotting. One of those shake the bed crying sessions.

I will admit, life is easier and less stressful with my mom not around to boss people. It's nice to go visit my Dad and not get yelled at. It's nice to not to feel irritated with her ungratefulness. I still miss her though. I miss my mom.

Sleeping arrangements

I will be the first to admit I am not a good bed fellow. The other night I felt sick at my stomach and I kept getting up and each time the bed wiggled my husband woke thinking I was heading off to puke (which is weird because when I did puke he hadn't a clue). Then there is all my weird dreams and talking in my sleep. Last night the cats kept jumping in my bed and I kept waking my husband yelling at them. What he didn't know I was a master cat killing warrior in my dream. By knocking them of the bed it triggered my brain to be a ninja Bitch! Those actions are quite normal when sleeping with me.

So what is this about? I don't like the tables turned. I'm so annoyed with my husband right now I could scream.

He is a terrible sick person. He can't breathe through his nose but he keeps trying, in and out. Over and over again it sounds crackly, plugged, and painful. I so badly want to scream, "open you fucking mouth and breathe already."

I'm hoping I fall asleep soon and don't hear this all night. I think I need my own room and conjugal visits ;-)

ungrateful shift

This afternoon I realized I have been very ungrateful in my heart for what the Universe has been providing me!

I'm going to California and Oregon this year; California to see my childhood friend and the other a family vacation. My kids are growing older and wiser, becoming great young adults, and learning how to live healthy wholesome lives. Because my children are growing older I have more freedom. I can leave them at home from time to time to venture out into the world alone. I can take classes and explore myself! I can dive deep into my soul.

Opportunities are sitting at my finger tips. Yoga teacher training is even on the itinerary for the fall.  A creative writing class next week and much much more.

The Universe is helping me pull me out of the muck and I've been taking the hand but then complaining about how the hand wasn't "just right."

I am not going to beat myself up over it. I have had a hard road to travel. My adoption failing, my mom dying, my son so upset that his immune system started to flare up allergies, and then along the way my Dad needing me. First time ever he has lived alone and his 2 favorite dogs dying as well. It's been a bumpy mucky road. I see the light at the end of the tunnel though.

We are almost at the year mark of my mom dying. My dad is talking about going to a party this weekend, my oldest has a girlfriend, my middle son is wrapped up in fencing, and my youngest is FINALLY starting to smile again and he is getting healthier now that the stress is greatly reduced. He is also thrilled with his new drama class. I found a fabulous teacher for him, someone that I KNOW will be famous someday, and he LOVES him (so do I.)

Life is getting richer, fuller, and clearer. It's calmer and steady. It is time I open my eyes and make a shift of be ungrateful to fulling embracing the love that is and scream, "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!"

Learning to let it go, again

It's hard to get out of ruts. We train our brains, mostly unknowingly. Mine is trained in the feeling sorry for myself and feeling lonely. Not good. I also get mad at my husband for "making" me feel this way. Now, I know he can't make me feel anything, but tell that to my damn brain!

It's hard to shake that rotten feeling when you see and feel it bubble up. A nasty troll coming to gobble up your happiness and your soul.

I know if I was in my husband's shoes I would be very tired too. Getting up at 5 am, so he can go fix breakfast for the men at work on Wednesdays, means he can't stay awake to talk to me. It's up to me to find my own happiness and my own friends to fill that void I feel in my life.

The thing is how do I convince my brain to let go of the expectation and let something else happen?

Oh, those other 6 days a week? He doesn't stay awake then either. I am taking it day by day....

A has been...

Lately, I've wondered if I've turned into a "has been."

I'm not an exciting small talk conversationalist. In not controversial. I'm a peace keeper, except in certain situations, but for the most part I keep my mouth shut. I suck at small talk. I get nervous talking to men and women equally. I falter and sounds like an idiot. I usually give the impression I'm a loser.

Wish I was cool, calm, and collected. Wish I was a relaxed lady in all domestic situations.

Depressing, is it not? I've really got to get out more!

Angry

This week I was struck with the immensity of the angry emotions I have for my mother right now. Yes, I know she has been dead for almost a year, but damn it, I am angry at her. I know there are many out there that want to say, "let's not talk ill of the dead." and I disagree. I am the one with this emotion. Are you saying my emotions are invalid? I should bottle this inner rage so the dead, that did this to us and themselves wrong, can rest in peace? I am not buying it.

My mom's death was COMPLETELY preventable. She smoked 40 years, ate poorly, never exercised, and was not exactly a positive person. This was not someone that had an piano fall from a window and kill them. This was someone that was told many many MANY times from doctors and family to mend their ways and she chose to ignore the warnings.

When I was little my mom got sick. She coughed for 3 months before going to the doctor. They told her to quit smoking. NO!
When I was an early teen my mom began to have back problems and the doctors said, "You have degenerative disk disease. You need to get more calcium and exercise to strengthen your back muscles and support your bone health." NO and NO! She did not exercise and did not drink milk, eat broccoli, or take supplements to get more calcium. She instead smoked more laid on her stomach with telephone books on her back and took painkillers.
When I was a mid-teen my found out she had extremely high blood pressure and was told to quit smoking, exercise, and do some stress relief. NO! Instead she said it was my fault, my dad's fault, and her stupid boss that stressed her out.
Somewhere in there she was told her blood sugar levels we showing she was a pre-diabetic. She was told to change her diet and come back in 3 months to see if the A1C was lower. After that visit she was given a glucometer and told she need to check her blood sugar levels at least 3 times a day, change her diet, and get exercise. NO, NO, NO! She refused to change her diet, get exercise, and check her blood. She told us the doctors were blowing it out of proportion. About a year later she was on Metformin,  a slew of blood pressure medications, and painkillers. She still smoked, she still ate the same, and did not exercise.

Her degenerative disk disease was caused by the smoking. It leached calcium from her bones. She hated milk and would only eat ice cream. She did not like to "hassle" with broccoli and other calcium rich foods either because she "didn't have time." She wouldn't take a supplement because she took" too many pills already." My dad began to ask her if she was on a suicide mission and she would get defensive and yell at him.
Her high blood pressure was most likely the direct result from her stewing angry ways and smoking like a chimney. Towards the end of her life, when she was smoking less because she couldn't breathe, her blood pressure (20 years later) was finally going down.
Her blood sugar levels got so bad she was on a strict insulin regimen. She tested herself on a regular basis and still ate copious amounts of sugar, of which were never in the form of fruit!
What killed her ultimately was her smoking. That cough that lasted more than 3 months was most likely the beginning of her COPD. She smoked like a freight train for 40 years and coughed, wheezed, and panted all the way to the grave.
I cannot turn back time but I can make sure I do my best to not walk in her shoes. Right now I am angry. My youngest lost someone as close to him as I am. She never told us how sick she really was, her doctor told us in passing, "She knew this was coming." She never prepared us, she didn't prepare NOTHING. She let it all go just like she did her body. She left us holding the bag of snakes! She checked out and didn't pay! She knew it was coming, she knew what she was doing. She WAS on a suicide mission. A quiet painful mission that left the rest of us in the dark and unprepared.

When I think of her death I think of it as a suicide. She had OVER 20 years to make changes and she refused to make even one!

I think I would think differently about this if she had tried to eat differently, stop smoking or at least cut back, tried her best to exercise, and made a noticeable difference. She just kept watching TV, smoking, eating sugar and processed foods, and sitting.

I do feel angry about this and in time it will wan. I am more pained by seeing what effects her life decisions have had on my children and I think, "It's one thing to fuck with me, MOM! But you have fucked with my kids and that pisses me off! How dare you!? That was very selfish of you!"

Bible Study

ThisAtheist hybrid decided it was time the kids knew a thing or two about the Bible.

Every week we are going to have Bible study. We started this  week on Genesis.

It sparked some discussions and I let them have their own opinions. They were not impressed.

I think waiting so long before reading the Bible to them makes all the difference. Their minds are not a impressionable. They have been raised to be free thinkers. They have been encouraged to have opinions.

Most people indoctrinate their children at very young ages and teach it as truth and law and the kids grow up believing it; until they grow old enough to learn differently.

We are going to read the Old and New Testament and I will let them decide for themselves what they think, but I'm already confidant that they will not become religious.

Friends

This week has been rough. A friend of mine, my very close friend that I go and do everything with, had found a new friend.

I'm not against her having friends it's the way she is having this one that bothers me so much.

This other woman was at the homeschool group. We all talked a few times but nothing much. My friend ran into this woman at the zoo one day a couple Weeks ago. The next thing I know she is taking a car seat to her. Then after that age invited her to come stay the night, what she always did for my son and I.
The woman had not left and all I hear, if I hear from her, it's about how great this woman is, how she totally gets her and all these wonderful things. I then hear how they just talk and talk and talk and cannot stop. They talked until 4am. At this point I'm feeling angry because WE use to do that too. So I smile and say, "Like we did." And she giggles and said, "ooh I forgot!" What? February was not that long ago.

I'm upset because its like all that time I spent in the friendship didn't matter. She was always looking for something better.

Make matters worse, since now my go to talk to someone person doesn't have time for me, I went to my husband. "You're just jealous." I still have not forgiven him for that remark.

Did I mention my friend is married? Yep, now she wants this brilliant glowing new new new friend to be her marriage therapist.

Aye aye aye...Lucy, I need a drink.

So I sit here tonight lost, lonely, and seriously confused. Not to mention my husband left for work 13 hours ago and hasn't come home yet. He called his I-group to tell them he wasn't coming, but not me.

Did I just fall out of favor with everybody?

Runaway

Today our book got tense. The dragon might be dying, an old cat like man was almost killed by murders, kids helped the man escape, there is a weird apparition on the island and all I can think of is, "no more, its too tense."

I could leave the book right now and never look back. I have a library of unfinished tense books lying about. I realized something today while telling my husband pout loud I wanted to quit the book.

I'm not a quitter or a looser, I am a wimp. I don't like the tense moments. It's to real for my liking in my head.

I'm your classic crab. I have a hard shell and difficult to get past my pincer and shell but if you do you will find tender softness.

I have worked a couple times on running away from problems. I've admitted to people I can let go with ease if trouble is brewing.

I'm not one to wait and see how it turns out. I hightail it to safety and wait until the silt settles and I creep out only to go the other way.

I'm keeping on my toes because now I'm conscious of my bad habits and I'm working on changing that. And wouldn't you know it the Universe heard and answered.

Weirdness

This morning I woke up in a dream drunken state of disbelief. I was the Captain of a pirate ship and was having an affair with my first mate. Man, he was hot! ;-)

Next I ended up in Germany with my husband and a were arguing about which way to go. I told him I lived in that village for a month I knew wee to go even if it had been 20 years. He didn't believe me and went his way. I went my way and beat him by several minutes. I found my host sister and she spent so much time in India, Nepal, that she spoke English like an Indian. I had to leave but I was sad to. I loved that village.

I never did make it back to my ship and my first mate. Maybe tonight! ;-)

Be my rock

Creeping up on 10 months since my mom died. It's less painful but it us still hard. I didn't think it would be but it is.

I've been thinking about how to move past this and how to break free from the depression that creeps in and out, ebbing and flowing.

Doing it alone feels daunting at times and not only that, I'm the life jacket for my kids. I bouy them up and I'm left floating alone while they find firm footing on shore.

Being an only child with a dead mother and a father that uses you as a guiding light and thinks of you as rock solid pillar of the family is challenging to say the least.

I suppose what I really want is my family to know I'm not as string as I appear. I'm quite wimpy and soft. I cry and moan. I weep and feel despair. I need someone to be my rock as well, at least for a few months until I get my thoughts and actions and emotions back on track. I want people to be gentle because I feel overwhelmed a lot these days.

Be loving, I need it.

Birthday depression

Birthdays have always been tough for me in the past. Drunk family fighting, family forgetting about me and going to my cousins wedding, my folks having a party for me and not letting me special for fear I would become a brat, and the large amount of pictures of fake smiles or tear streaked face and swollen eyes. This year was/it's no different. If I hadn't taken the boys to a movie I wouldn't have had that. My husband didn't even get home until 11pm. By then I was tear streaked and lonely. My moms not here so I didn't have her to talk to and my Dad forgot it was my birthday.

I do my best at looking at the bright side and not wanting to complain and whine but damn it, I'd like to be and see someone and do something and have someone give more than 2 hoots.

I don't have depression because I'm getting older. I have birthday depression because I feel like I'm getting older alone without anybody giving damn besides lip service.

Mushrooms?

When I was little my grandfather had a plaque in his bathroom that said, "I'm treated like a mushroom. Kept in the dark and feed bullshit."

I had that feeling this weekend. My husband told me about how his grandfather beat his women. I was flabbergasted. I knew the man before he died, no one, not a single soul mentioned it, ever.

In 20 years with my husband you'd think he or his mother or someone would've shared this. No, I heard about how great grandpa was. How much everybody loved him, except his crazy ass daughter that refused to talk to him.

After hearing this about "grandpa" I have to wonder about my husbands mad old aunt in Oklahoma that i've never met, ever.

Why was she so mad at her dad? So mad she wouldn't see him a he was dying even. That is pretty dang angry.

Perhaps there its more to this story and it begs me to ask the question, "why was the family ok with this?" And "why is it such a secret?"

Pretending it didn't happen is all well and good except fire the people he abused!

I see them all in a different light now and not a rosy one either.

Grumpy butt

Is this my mid-life crisis? All I can think about its running away. Leaving my kids with my husband and going on a fabulously fun adventure without them. Since I'm not doing that I am feeling grumpy.

I need clarity, maybe. Perhaps I need space. A retreat?  Something....but what?
Its been two years since I had a simple moms sleepover at a B&B. That was one night away from home two years ago....

A lot, HUGE, amounts of stuff has happened since then.

Uh? Ooh, yeah, life called, he wants you to get one...

I spent the night at my friends house last night. We laughed and watched a movie and ate "hippie" snacks.

We also talked seriously about life. We talked about creating out life and how to do it. One thing that came up over and over again was focus on the positive and what you want. Keeping your eye on the prize. Find was to stay happy and put the focus there. Over time the negative will transform.
Great, but what do I want?

Alone

Lying in bed eating raw goat cheese and wishing my conversation with my husband had been received. Instead, the arrow not only missed its mark, it rather bounced off.

Let's back track. I was separating and folding clean clothes atop of our bed and tucking the youngest into bed. Hubby sat there on the need playing with his phone. I began to complain about my life as it is right now. I told him how I feel like I have no one to talk to since my mother died, because she was the one I told my issues too about other people. In my mind I played this out with my husband saying, "i'm here for you." Instead I get the ultra shock of, "have you talked to (insert friend...XYZ) about this?" WTF? Was my first thought. My eyes filled with tears and I said, "she (friend XYZ) doesn't have time for me, with her baby she barely has time for herself." All the while he never looks up from his phone.

I continued to work at my laundry and put stuff away and got into bed. He turned of his phone and curled up next to me and went to sleep, with his clothes at the foot of the bed on his side.  Bother!

One friend in a completely different time zone and has her own daycare and her own kids, another one with a baby, and yet another one going through a divorce. I really feel alone now and it its not easier with someone that expects me to find someone else to share them with.

My thought its if I can't share them with my husband then what use is he?

Wish my mom was here, I could really use her ear.

Watch "The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger (original narration by Randall)" on YouTube

Loneliness Affects How The Brain Operates

Loneliness Affects How The Brain Operates

My oldest wearing the same shirt my dad is in the picture he is holding. That baby is me at 1 year.

Lonely time

Every night about now I feel incredibly lonely. I'm awake and needing someone to talk to and I have no one. The house is quiet and all are asleep except for me.

I use to stay up and chit chat with people online but now I really try to avoid people online now. I use to call people that I knew were awake but now I'd rather not bother with phones. I really would like to just hang out with people and fall asleep near them because we've talked the night away.

I miss those moments. I've had those moments with men and women. Non-sexual late night talks. Deep soul searching in stiff whispers.

I wonder how I can create that in my life again? It was always a happy time. It came around out of happiness too.

I think it is time to be clear about my wants.

Lost in thought, time, and space. Where I'm at I don't know. I wonder far and wide. My soul sweeps across the land. I find no comfort in the world of man. Metal cars, stone monuments, and glass houses. I cherish the kingdom that suits me best; wilderness.

The purpose is lost and forgotten. We only exist  for a short time. Birth and death it cycles no matter of you like it or not. Time doesn't wait for you. Time rushes by leaving you cold and confused and you hair tousled.

What is my purpose? My ultimate goal? My path to journey on? Will I have guardians, helpers, and fellow travelers or am I on a solitary mission?

I have the poem flapping around in my brain wailing in pitifully unconfident moans, "a road less traveled."

Grandmother

Lately I've been thinking about my grandmother. Her native American side that was suppressed. It was almost a burden to her. It was rarely discussed in the family. I don't even know my tribe. It was known growing up but I just knew to not ask questions. It's a shame to not know this piece of lineage. I can't get anything from the government because my portion of the blood line is too small. Not that I would anyhow, but it's a shame my family did not use it to their advantage. My mother could have went to Haskel, she was the last least bit.

I miss not knowing my heritage because they were to afraid to speak about it for so many generations.
Maybe my grandma didn't even know herself.

Anger

Yesterday was a very angry day. I even had energy work done and I still felt angry. I went to the store and was angry. I was a rager for sure. I have been thinking about what the cause was and I can't really find one. Well, until right now as I am writing. I ferro angry because I don't feel free.

Since my mom died I have gone through a gamut of emotions. I have cycled through grief, lightness, darkness, joy, and all the spectrums of the color wheel.

One trait that remains is anger. I am not mad at my mom, no this is really about me. I am angry that I see myself being her and its not me and it wasn't my mom either.

I read my mom's senior book the other day.I had not seen it since I was little and could not read cursive yet. I found it in a box in my dad's basement. What I read was the dreams my mom had and were never fulfilled. Like loving someone other than my dad. Wanting to go to college and move away from Kansas. She had dreams and ambitions and none of that was what I saw.

My mom was a couch potato, practically a chain smoker, angry with life, and ill. She was not an ambitious person. She was not a social butterfly. She was not the "yes" person. She didn't go out, she didn't have friends or contacts, she didn't do a damn thing but exist as a human going through the motions.

Before marriage and me she was very out going. She was on bowling leagues, she went dancing, she went out and lived life. Then somewhere along there it fizzled and her fire for life went out and her bitter ash remained.

I can relate. I am not as bad as her, ooh no. I am angry though at how my life has turned out. Watching her die shook some of the mortar out of my brick wall. I built that wall after I started down my path of reform. A path that has slowly pushed me deeper and deeper into the darkness of a lonely cave.

How do I break free? Not really sure. I work on this daily. I want freedom and I want my freedom to be with my kids. I don't want to stick them in school just so I can do what I want.Already tried that and it didn't work. I will keep working on this and figuring it out.

At least I am aware I need more. I need more time to create, time to play, and fun uplifting people around me. I need less of catering to peoples whims.

Not sure how this will look but I know I need time to do yoga, "find myself" (cliche, I know), and teach my kids the same so they don't fall down into the pit of despair when they are adults.

Now, how do I do this?

Demeter

Persephone Song by Anne Hill
Persephone, Persephone,Maiden of the Springtime
,Now's the day, you know the way,
To climb back toward the sunshine.
Demeter, Demeter,Waiting all the Winter,
Cloaks the Earth all in green,
Her daughter's come to greet her.

A friend of mine its having a Greek God/Goddess party for his birthday. I was invited and  guests are to dress like their deity. As soon as I read the email this song started up in my head. Then I took a quiz, a link offered on his email, to find your deity that represents you. Guess what, yep, it was Demeter.

If I am able to go, what would this look like?

Illogical Christians

This week I was told my Facebook status was bigotry*. I was told the verse I used was out of context and was wrong for using it in that manner. It was a picture of the infamous praying football player with a verse that said people should pray in private not like the hypocrites that pray for show.

I said that the whole Bible is out of context for us all because we are not Jewish. I also said if it, the verse, was aimed at Rabbi's then what makes the rest of us exempt?

A Christmas day status by a family member said "screw you" to people that say "Happy Holidays" and not
"Merry Christmas." His statuses got even more heated with his cousin back and forth they went. Angry words that could easily insight violence. 

When I spoke of Jesus and his non-violent message I was met with resistance and more anger.

Because I renounced my Christian faith these people automatically assume I know nothing. They think I am out to get them and stop them from their faith. I am not. Let's make that clear right now. I  am saying for you to stop and think. Think about what you are really doing and think about what you stand for. Are you really living the life of non-violence Jesus spoke of? Do you associate with people that live up to that value?

Be logical. That its all I an asking you to do. Take a step back from your holy righteousness and walk in my shoes. Be an observer to your own faith and your religion and see if you see what I see.

I see a group of people calling themselves something they are not. You are not living a non-violence lifestyle and turning the other cheek.you are not helping people with love but knocking them down with hate.

We all live together and when someone like myself asks you nicely not to spew hate over a silly greeting or stop and think about what your scripture actually says don't get angry with me.

Here is the difference.When someone questions my beliefs (which you Christians love to do and yes I have some) I shrug  it off and chuckle to myself. I don't Carree if you think I am going to hell or nor getting into Heaven. That's your belief not mine, so be it. BUT of someone like myself says we don't believe you, or says you are being very Christian like you fly off the handle and go insane with anger. This makes me think that your beliefs are not that string to begin with if someone can send thou into a rage with a "happy holidays" and "why do Christians use the Bible like a buffet?"

This non-Christian is more Christian than you think. I treat people with love, I give love, I root for the under dog, I look within and meditate (pray), and I don't look nor want violence and don't think it solves a damn thing.  Yet, I am destined for hell because I refused to do it like you do. So be it.I feel secure enough in my belief to let you have yours, I only ask you live up to the greatness of Jesus and not smear him around in the mud like camping fodder on a holiday. But if you still decide that is the way its going to be can you at least admit you use the Bible like a buffet and perhaps change the name of your religion? Just a thought.

*look up bigotry, it states a bigot is someone that HATES someone that does not believe the same as they do, does not act the way they think they should act, and does not look the way they think they should look. If you are telling me I am wrong and I am going to hell. if you say "screw you" for not saying the greeting "properly" then I have to ask; Who is the bigot committing bigotry?

Didn't do much good...

Tonight I told my husband that I was drowning in the chaos. I told him I was unhappy and asked for help.

He took it that I was saying he was a bad guy and a looser and it's my fault he hadn't been able to get the sewing room finished in 2 years time because I asked him to go with me to drive of the kids with my folks.

Well that conversation went nowhere fast. Fuck it, I'm going to sleep. I have a toon of stuff to do tomorrow.

Next step

Been thinking about what its my next step. What am I being called to do? What is my joy? My passion in life? My get up and go? What its it?

My kids? Yes, of course. I am taking other than that. What is calling me? Spiritual, art, what? The question I keep asking myself is how I can combine my loves to be profitable in my life. I love animals, being outside (disclaimer; on nice days), swimming, creating, working with people on a project, gardening, and setting my own schedule. I like doing all this with my kids. This its where I think, "how can I make money off this?"

I jump at opportunities and give it a go when I discover them but some how it doesn't pan out. Ok, I know I can't do an office job, tried that too. Nope, no desk jobs with no creativity involved is a no go.

So here I sit thinking about my next step. Timing is everything and obviously it its not my time. I keep cultivating skills and narrowing down my likes and dislikes to prepare further. I now know I hate being a chicken farmer! Ha!

Time will tell. Until then I have ideas and plans.I want to build a green house with solar electricity to run pumps for my hydroponic system and I want a traditional space for a green house and both on the south side to be a passive solar heated space. I want to remove the porch and enclose it and put down a concrete floor and make it a passive solar room to help great up the downstairs and grow food in it in the winter in containers and have a small rocketstove in there add well to be a heat source. Yes, I have ideas. I need funds and therefore I need that next step to obtaining them!