Rollercoaster ride from hell....

......how do I make stop?

That is my emotional state right now. One minute I am ok, positive, and thinking happy thoughts then BAM I am drowning in a puddle of my own tears and snot. Shaking and gasping for air in a room filled with the stuff. Who do you talk to? What do you say? I am not sure where to begin. I am a mess. My poor husband is in his own hell and I see the pain in his eyes when he looks at me. He sees my suffering and my grasping at a happy life with buttery hands. At some point the butter will wear off. The pain will fade to a small ache some where between the shoulder blades and life will roll along smoothly.

As for right now I am in a temporary bipolar state. I will survive.....I always do.

Dreams

I heard something today about dreams. It was about how dreams are actually your un-lived life. If you fast all day and go to bed hungry you dream about food. if you suppress your sexual desire then you will certainly dream about sex. I started thinking this was true. Think about it. If you have sex before going to sleep you do not dream about sex. If you eat a big meal in the evening you do not dream of eating. Dreams are life suppressed. Life manifesting itself the best way it can to get you through your life you want or the life you loathe. The brain is doing the best it can to help you along your journey of life.

When I think about all the sex I had in my dreams, and the trips I went on,  and all the great feelings from strangers I felt I think to myself I am suppressing a lot! When I think about all the scary nightmares I have had about my family*, the only time they show up in dreams, I think about how angry I am at them.

I feel sad now that I dream so richly. I use to think it was a gift, but now I wonder if it is not a gift but a sorrowful plea to the unknown to help me with my slavery and duty of this life.

I now must make a conscious effort to stay where I want to be. Do what I want to do. A live the way I want to live. I am not sure how to break the chains that bind and I know it will disturb some, greatly, but I know I must begin.

The first thing is to say yes to adopting. I have people, not my husband, in my family (near and far) asking me if I am sure. Asking why. Letting me know how they wouldn't do it. Their desire not to is their subconscious trying to talk me out of it so our needs match and so they can feel better about it.

I have for too long listened to my elders and I have found they don't know jack shit! How can these people help me when they cannot help themselves? I must find my strength and be strong and be steadfast . I mustn't waiver. Mustn't quiver. Mustn't back down. I must march on proud and strong and do as I damn well please!

*clarify here, when I say family I do not mean the children that I am angry

Women

At the age of 35 I assumed the women around me would have matured more than they have. I am utterly amazed at the lack of inner work people do not do. They read some scripture or other wise sage advice from some dead guru and then all of a sudden they are "healed" and all grown up. They spout off what they have read as if they have made it part of themselves, yet still go ballistic and have tantrums of ridiculous proportions over miniscule events.

I wonder now if many of us ever truly grow-up. I wonder, also, what it means to grow-up. Some people would say it is your age. But like I have said before, I know a lot of little kids that are doctors, lawyers, pilots, and postal workers. Age doesn't mean anything. Age is a number set forth to measure how long you have been alive not how mature you are!

It takes a lot to mature. I am still working on it. What amazes me the amount of people unaware they need to work on it. They passively wait or assume they are because of that farcical number. Some people get that age is a number. My grandmother use to say, "You are only as old as you feel." Yet nothing was ever mentioned about maturity in a positive light. Maturity was something you did not have when you were throwing a tantrum. I heard from adults all around me when another adult acted inappropriately to a situation, "He/She needs to grow-up and stop acting like a baby." Though no one ever talked about how to grow-up. It was just expected you would.

What I gathered as growing older was you were to watch more TV, not go out and socialize, give up sex, give up joy, and go ahead and die because you have nothing else to live for. That is what I see others doing as well. If not that they go the other extreme and think that getting older is a license to party extensively. The major issue with both these issues are they still have not matured inside their soul. They freak out over petty issues and at times ignoring the big ones.

What is the answer? I don't have one. All I know as a society we fail. We fail on an epic level of helping children grow into adults with a strong core and solid ground and a deep passion for living at the same time. We fail at teaching them how to let go of the petty and concentrate where the need is needed.

As a species we have failed and we need to grow-up as well. We only think we have, because of our age!

I am the teacher and the student....

Everyday i help my children learn new concepts and ideas. I am the teacher. Today I realized I am the student and this happened because my pants were tight!

Let me explain.

By having tight pants and knowing right away I was and have gained weight I had a light bulb moment. When I get stressed I don't over eat I under move. I get immobilized and paralyzed with fear and anger.
I am feeling stuck in the mud and unable to free myself. I have become a victim of my stress instead of being a victor from it.

I realized that I have been enlightened. I always thought I ate more when stressed but this would mean over time I would see a rise in food costs. I have actually lowered it. No, I just don't move. I become a deer in the headlights and let that stress just run me over.

I am  thinking this morning how to not let that happened. Affirmations for one and perhaps standing up for myself better.

The issues arise being an only child. I have no support group of siblings. I catch hell, all the hell, and have to deal with it. I have let my little frighten inner girl deal with it. Time to get some balls on and deal with it with my big girl panties on and stop shitting in my diaper!

The only issue I have now is how to be tactful without being hurtful. I so badly wanted to tell my mother on Thanksgiving to "Shut the fuck up! You are driving me crazy!" as she dictated every single little move I was to make in the kitchen, roll her eyes and make comments about me when I walked out of the when she lit her cigarette. I felt like yelling at her when she calls me to yell at me because I didn't do what she thought she said to do. "I am NOT a mind reader!"

Add this on to other "issues" that spring up from day to day and let me tell you I have let myself shut down. I didn't sign up for this, did I?  If you believe one set of beliefs this is out of our control, another says you are in total control and can change this, and another says you knew about this before birth and asked for this experience.

These are just beliefs and I tend to believe you can change this. How? That is what I am going to explore. But first I have to get moving and not let her cheerfully negative bossy dictatorial behavior bring me down no longer.

a new breed of woman

I feel a new breed of woman wailing and screaming to set free from within! I feel a stronger and more robust woman. I feel a woman with moxie. I feel a woman that will not back down. I feel a woman that can be all this and delicate as well. I feel the beast with a flower in its hair dancing to a beat that only it can hear. I feel the excitement and fear at the same time. Anguish and joy. Death of the old and birth of the new. Growing pains was experienced and have now left me to realize my own worth. I feel the shift. I can feel the movement. The woman warrior inside is chanting and waving a sword while the dwarf princess run and hides in the shrubs. This one being embodies night and day, hot and cold, lying and truth. All that is and ever will be is in this being. I am the being. I am ready. What is my mission?

sugar highs and shopping lows....its the holidays!

It's the holiday season. Shopping is in full gear. Sugar is being passed out on platters all across the country. People are hyped up and loaded on the swwet stuff and buying every stupid little trinket just because Jesus was born.

Wait. Why are we shopping for other people to celebrate another mans birth from 2010 years ago (give or take a few)?
Why do we load ourselves up with sugar products? Wasn't there a memo sent out about gluttony and greed? I got the memo. I will see if I remember what it said. Oh, yes, alright. It said something like, Gluttony is a sin. Eating copious amounts of deserts is not allowed because that is gluttony. Greed is a sin and writing out a 10 page list of objects you want and getting angry because you did not get them OR you when you push down little old ladies to buy the last TV then that is greed. Do not do this! Yes, I think it went something like that.

Anyhow, if there are so many Christians out there then why on earth do they celebrate this way? Why am I being a non-Christian celebrating it at all? How did we get sucked into this? Who started this mess? Yes, a mess! How many times did you buy something just because you felt obligated? Not because you wanted too?
We are pressured into playing the buying game. Just like the stores that. Have 2 ailse of candy for sale at Halloween. You are made to feel guilty if you decline. You are SUPPOSE to buy the candy. You are SUPPOSED to buy gifts for people you only see once a year or forced into a gift exchange of people you don't know or like. Tell me, where did we go wrong? When did this thinking begin?

Same goes for the fodder on the table. If you decline to eat the copious amounts of bad, very bad, for your health suagr you are looked at as being a weirdo. If you say no to your kids then you are simply evil.

I sometimes feel like I am in a FUN HOUSE and I am the only one not getting what is so fun. I feel like I am the only one that gets this is wrong while the rest are throwing rocks at me telling me I am a heritic!

Christians at war?

The following was from a  Facebook friend, someone I went to highschool with, posted the other day in her status along with an article link:

"Christians cannot be spiritual pacifists in this day and age. Maybe in the past, but not in these times. Jesus followers, we are at war!" 

Um, call me out on this if I am wrong, but wasn't Jesus a pacifist? Didn't he coin the term, "turn the other cheek?" Wasn't he the one that was for love and peace? I am so confused by what the meaning of a Christian is? Are they war mongering fighters, aka, terrorists? Or are they peace loving pacifists? 

I, for one, am disgusted with the Christian community that spout out hatred. Am I at war with them? No! I just wish they would shut up and go do their thing without rubbing my face in it. I have no desire to fight with anybody about what is wrong or right. I know what my beliefs are and I know they do not mesh with Christians at all. That is OK in my book, not in their 2 books, but OK in mine. I don't feel the need to war with them to get my point across. I don't need to take up terrorism to feel secure in my insecurity. 

Can you not be a peaceful Christian that prays for my "damned" soul at home without trying ever so desperately to drag me and my family into a fictional war in your brain?

Do you not have something better to do? I know feed the poor, shelter animals, take care of the meek? Save some people from drugs or abuse? Do some good out there where it is needed and stop drumming up the need to be at war with something or someone because they do not share you belief. Let it go and get on with your life. I am!

Day 2 of no facebook

Today I was kept busy with other thoughts. I had an email that lead to a phone call that lead to more phone calls that lead to chasing down my husband. I am sitting here in limbo right now. A bit Jimmy Cliff-ness tonight. I will disclose more info later about the phone calls.

I was so preoccupied with that and the usual homeschooling not to mention a special make up fencing class for Jonah, James and his guitar lesson, and picking up the van from the shop. After I came home I was no longered preoccupied and found myself in want of some friendly banter with my FB pals. I did refrain, somewhat. I posted a video of Eddie Murphy.

There you have it. I did not post a status nor comment on FB. I only posted a YouTube video.

Until next time....tootles!

Day 1 of no Facebook

Today I posted not one status. I did send one message on someones wall because I had no other way to tell her I was coming Friday. That was it. What I have learned is I have a pretty lonely life without my pals saying "hello" in some fashion during my day. It has been a dull day. I actually found myself staring out a window in a rather pensive mood. Withdrawls? Not really. It wasn't like I was sitting in front of the computer trying to resist the urge. I was just wishing those people could be transported by Scotty to my living room. I could use the companionship. That was my great epiphany today, lonely. Not a real cheerful sunshiny feeling. Nope, no fireworks or rainbows here. Just gray skies, a cloud, and a poor old donkey that lost his tail.

To be or not to be....

The question here is: Can someone be to old for a crush? I am serious. Stop laughing. Ok, giggle a little. Does that schoolgirl ever really grow up? I am 35 and thinking, "Gosh, am I ever going to stop having crushes?"
It sounds silly when I say it out loud. I sounds worse admitting it here. Scary as well. What if the crush read this? I am doomed. Doomed I tell ya. Forever locked in my room red with girlish embarrassment. Why? 1. I am married with kids 2. Fear of rejection and 3. He will discover my inability to spell well without a spell checker! Oh the misery of it all!

Who said we can't have crushes anymore? Who said we can't cuddle in the corner of our mind with another? Hell, who said we can't do it for real? Life is really short and we, as a society, squander our time feeling guilty making up stupid rules. We want everybody to fit into a little box.

I wonder if we would have ever felt jealousy if we have never been taught that? Do you ever think about life in those terms? I do. I wonder all the time if my emotions are sparked or ignored because of how society views them. If my husband was to have sex with another person society would expect me to get angry. If my husband forgets piddly things day after day after day I am expected to "be nice" and do it myself and not to complain because "at least he is at home with you and not having an affair!"

Well if he was having an affair he would probably feel guilty about it and take out the trash the first time! Point being is that if I cry or bitch about a constant disregard of domestic help then I am labeled a nag, a bitch, and told to "do it yourself."
If it is an affair the I am allowed to do whatever it takes to get the pain out.

That is a society based emotions and expectations. Having a crush, in my mind, would be considered by most as being unacceptable and the same as an affair. HOGWASH! First of all my husband is plenty aware of my crushes, yes, more than one. He does not take offence nor worry if I love him. He knows I am flighty.

What am I getting at? I don't know, I suppose I am coming out of the closet. The crush closet and no man nor woman is safe!
I am out there thinking about you and I don't feel guilty about it either!

Traditions

I loathe empty pointless traditions. I can no longer hold back my disgust about it. On Thanksgiving we have to have a turkey, why? We have to have mashed potatoes, why? We have to have green beans casserole with fried onions on top, why? We have to have pie after pie after pie, why? Do we really need stuffing AND rolls?
Do we really need to buy yet another can of jelly cranberry glop that ends up molding in the fridge?

Why can't we get back to the real reason of thanksgiving. It was to come together in harmony. There was no preparation other than cooking what you were bringing. The pilgrims and the Natives came together and shared a meal. They had fowl, deer, fish, pickled foods, and fresh herbs.

They did not call each other up hounding them about what are you going to bring. They did not tell others, "oh don't bring that, who eats THAT on Thanksgiving!"

No they came together in true harmony and shared a meal of goodwill. It was from the heart.

My Thanksgiving has not been from the heart my entire life. You play a game of "bring this, not that."
You then sit and watch everybody avoid the item you brought because "you eat weird."
Then you get asked the next year to bring a dish only to have the family say, "oh well I am buying.." after you have already bought the ingredients.

I am bah-humbug. Very much so. I am not appreciated in what I bring to the table. I don't get excited about being ordered around and thinking about and stressing over a meal that is suppose to be about THANKS.

I am thankful when the meal is over and I can come home.

Then I can begin thinking about the next two major food holidays us non-Christians participate in, Christmas and Easter. Thank God the next big one is in July, Independence day! I get a few months to avoid "Traditions!"

Happy? Holidays!

I would like to know who invented the catch phrase "happy holidays?"
I am sure it was a man oblivious to the ways of holiday traditions within the family unit. This man never had to deal with a matriarch. They only had to show up, eat, and fall asleep. Nothing more was expected from them than that. Come in, eat, and sleep. Every holiday is the same for them. Come in, eat, and sleep. They are not dashing around the grocery store banging carts with strangers and yelling out quick apologies while on the move. They don't have phone call after phone call of menu planning and discussion. They don't have the issue of nagging question, "what are you going to bring?" Over and over for month in a half before hand. Never do they hang up from the phone and sigh because what you said you were going to bring was shot down by the hostess, that all wielding power of the kitchen witch!

Nay, they start cooking 2 days before the actual day, scrambling around in the kitchen like a drop of water in a hot pan, and feeling the pressure to perform for the most judgmental people in the world, the family! Come in, eat, and sleep. Nay do they stand in the kitchen of the matriarch to be bark at with orders of "do this, not that, and clean up that mess" as you pull out pans, pots, spoons, and scavenge through someone else's kitchen looking for things in places you would never go any other time of the year. Nay do they sweat, grunt, and burn their skin. Nay do their eyes water from chopping onions. Nay do their feet hurt, back ache, and feel dehydrated. Nay do they yell at the kids to get out of the kitchen and be sociable with a terribly fake smile on their face while carrying on small talk with people you see three times a year. Nay, do their menu options that they did not slave over get criticized and dissected by the court of food jesters called family. They don't hear the snide comments, the whispers of disgust, and the wrinkled noses from the jesters of the food court. They only need to come in, eat, and sleep. They did not have to interact with the kitchen witch and they did not have to clean up.
 Happy Holidays to you!


I think it would only be fair to cancel such proceedings (holidays) until such time the men and women, in my family that think I am a bitch around the holidays, look deep within themselves and see what incredible pains in the asses they are!

I am from this point on not listening to anything and will bring what I damn well please and if you have snide ugly remarks go home and write them down on a piece of paper and EAT IT!

Then we can all enjoy a happy holiday together!

To Pat Robertson

Poking around on the internet and I found this quote:

Pat Robertson:

What Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is doing to evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.

Interview with Molly Ivins, 1993. Quoted from Democratic Underground

Tell me what American liberals are committing mass murder to Christians? Skinning, Gassing, Enslaving and starving women, children, men, and the disabled for the heck of it? Pat Robertson, if anything, you and your cronies are to blame for your own so called persecutions. Violence follows your followers. More blood shed has been committed in the name of the Lord than any other reason. Homosexuals do not want to destroy you and your faith with your myth. They only want you to leave them the fuck alone and let them have the SAME civil rights you get for being a "straight" white male. Not any different than a black man asking for civil rights like a white man enjoys unknowingly. 

Your intolerance, your flaming hatred, your fear, and your obvious disbelief in your own "steadfast" faith has you quivering and cowering like a cornered injured animal. You think you need to fight not realizing the person there is there to pick you up and help you, but instead you bite the fingers of the hand reaching out. 

What would Jesus do?

I am sure he would forgive you but be sure to call you out for being a total ass.

Jesus would hug his gay friends and lead them to the promise land of milk and honey. He would tell you to put down your stones and befriend them.

He would tell you this was not for you to judge and tell you to back off.

With your blind hatred and venomous words you have turned people off to God and Jesus and religion all together. You have created the monster you call Liberals. You created the hatred and persecution you feel. You are feeling and seeing the shadow that you schlep along with yourself, unknowingly. 

neither will they say, 'Look, here!' or, 'Look, there!' for behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.

 Luke 17:21

You are so busy looking out there. While looking for someone to blame for your unhappiness you have missed the boat completely. You blame all your woes on the devil, homosexuals, non-Christians, and liberals. Never once have you taken a long hard look at yourself and saw that the Kingdom of God is within you and you are the cause of ALL your woes.

Stop blaming me, my friends, and my beliefs for ruining your day. Be responsible and be a man. Own up to your shit and start by being nice, peaceful, not casting the first stone, and try to be something Jesus would approve of as a good follower. Pat, try on nice, loving, and respectful fearless wardrobe and tell me how lovely it feels. You cannot change the style by wearing the same old clothes Emperor. You must put on something new!  You draw more bees with honey than shit. What have you got to lose?

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

Mahatma Gandhi
Indian political and spiritual leader (1869 - 1948)

What is work?

As many of you know I am now heading into my 3rd week of hell with regards to getting a geothermal heat pump installed. I have had a variety of men out here working. I have had diggers, installers, more diggers, managers, grunts, and in all I have had a pleasant experience with most of them, even if I felt they were lacking in skills, motivation, or a simple non-achiever type personality that has no critical thinking skills. In all they were nice men. I did have one of those moments during a conversation that I looked at the man with complete disbelief  to what he actually said to me. It was one of those moments where you know if it were legal you would club his head like a baby seal. I was so disgusted I ended the conversation and came inside. He in all his simpleton self never relaxed he had offended me. What can you do in a situation like that?  The man was telling me about his wife's job and how much he liked the perks she received. He told me how much she likes her job as well. The conversation did not turn sour until he said to me, "I am glad I have a wife that wants to work and likes to work and I don't have to worry about that."

There was this awkward silence as I stared at him thinking he would realize what an asinine remark he had just made. My husband has worked with this man on and off for over ten years. This man is KING of the Freudian slip. He has no filter available. It never developed before birth. I knew that remark was directed at me. He has made remarks in the past about me not working. As I stood there looking into his face with my tense "stupid ignorant fucker" face all scrunched and squinty eyes he kept on talking.  That is when I changed the subject and went inside. I was going to offer him food or drink but that would require hospitality and I had none left. I was all out!

I know his wife. She is nice, but (there is always a but) she told me herself she never cooks, and he does all the cleaning. I know she is a shop-a-holic and quite the social butterfly. These are not bad traits mind you but when comparing fruit you should make sure you are not trying to compare apples to oranges. She has a "job" but I don't consider sitting at a desk, playing bingo, shopping, and not cooking your meals "work."

It was a slap in the face. A complete disregard to what I do everyday as not being work. Let me take his pampered kept wife and have her shovel chicken shit, burn a field, bury dead chickens, wash poop off eggs, tend a garden, mow, pull weeds, clean the house, make home cooked meals from scratch (not a mix or box), make yogurt, meat stocks/broth, kefir, mayo, and other goodies. Lets have her do several loads of laundry a day. Homeschool the children and chauffeur them to various lessons and playgroups. Have her tend to the feeding, watering, and cleaning up after 3 boys, 2 dogs, and 3 cats, and poultry and do this all without her husband helping or even being there then we can compare who works and who doesn't.

Lately I have been thinking about the teen suicides involving gay teens that were being bullied at school, perhaps even with family (this we will never know) but we do know it was happening for sure at school.

I have waited this long to say anything because I needed to get my thoughts straight. I needed to be able to process this coherently without my emotional baggage splattering up the whole thing. There is nothing worse than muddled feelings and babbling rants. I will do my best to keep this to a minimum.

I was schooled publicly. I went through the system K-12. I survived. When I mean I survived I really mean SURVIVED. I felt like I was going into battle nearly everyday. I longed for sick days, holidays, vacations, summer break, weekends, and any other reason i could think of to get out of school. To say I loathed it would be an understatement. It was by far the worst time of my life and it was suppose to be my happiest. By the time I was in the third grade I had been punched, kicked, poked, hair pulled, clothes made fun of, snickered at, and school projects destroyed by boys and girls. And I was not being picked on because I was homosexual either. This was just plain old mean kids. Much of it happened on the bus, standing in line for something, or I was sought out on the play ground.

People would ask the question, "what did you do to deserve this?" I also heard, "well kids are mean" and my all time favorites, "They are just jealous!" and "He likes you and doesn't know how to tell you." How did I deserve being punched in the nose by a fourth grader when I was in the second grade after I turned around in my seat on the bus to tell him to stop pulling my hair? How was it my fault that a boy and girl team punched my repeatedly in the gut during the lunch line and when I said something I was the one that was put at the back of the line? How was it being jealous a justifiable reason to tear up my halloween costume, throwing me in the mud, or tearing up my school projects? This was my entire school life until I started off the school year in a new school illegally in the tenth grade. It was not great. I still had to deal with so called friends that found pleasure in starting rumors and lies for fun. I still had to deal with whispers, giggles, and snooty looks from the popular girls and snappy pissy ugliness from the jocks. I really didn't care at that point though. Life was infinitely more better than it ever was at my old school.  The physical bullying was replaced with snotty looks at for me that was way better than the alternative.

Why was I bullied? Not sure. It started out in K and progressively got worse as I got older with the same group of kids. I never could figure out why. I just knew that I wanted no part of it any longer. My mother had stopped me on one occasion from bringing my dad's brass knuckles to school to beat some of the kids up. I carried a knife with me at all times in junior high. I even used it in a fight once when a group of girls jumped me on the way home from school. I once ran home and ducked behind bushes on my way home because a girls older cousin from highschool was trying to run me over with her Jeep.
I could go on and on. The last straw was one girl picked on me from the time I got to school until I left. On and on she bad mouthed me, called me names and never stopped. I decided one day I was going to kill her. I grabbed her neck and would not let go. I don't remember anything except the terror and fear in her eyes and the thumping of my boiling blood in my veins. I was bent on killing her. Do you know what? Someone broke us up and then I was then labeled a homosexual because I would not let go of her.

I could not go back. I had had my fill of a school full of ignorant backward dumb asses. I don't remember the exact conversation but I remember being very clear with my mother that I was NOT going back.

Those were my formative years. It taught me a lot about human nature and to not like it. I still to this day carry a little hatred for humans. I don't have a lot of sympathy nor empathy towards humans. It wasn't all bad, I did have friends. But I never felt safe telling them what was going on because I had already told the adults in my life and they seemed unwilling to help. I didn't see how asking for help from kids was going to help. I also had a deep fear of looking weak. I became a master of disguises. I was tough. I eventually looked tough. I even looked butch. I was ready to kick ass and take names. I was no longer the person I wanted to be or the person I was but I was now a product of surviving bullying. It's still with me. I still have issues that linger from that time in my life. I am not trustful. I doubt peoples sincerity. I don't get too close. I keep my distance even if I want more from a relationship. I do not want to be hurt. I don't call people, I do not plan things, I keep to myself. Not me, but it is safer that way. I am working on this and it is a challenge bigger than giving up cigarettes.

I am thankful that school is over. I am thankful my kids do not have to be put through that. I am thankful I went to a new school and met new people that were nice. I have a wish as well. A wish that children would not have to endure being teased. Being called "nigger lover" and pushed and shoved around because they befriended the only black girl in school. I have a wish that a homosexual child or a perceived homosexual child can be themselves without fear of being tortured with fists, words, or destruction of property. I wish kids could go to school and get an education without the fear of being hurt, period. We need to change as a society. Listen to those kids. Stop the excuses, stop the confusing "don't tattle" phrase. Stop the abuse at home that causes kids to act out. Stop the neglect of kids begging for help.

DO SOMETHING! Don't just sit there. I am doing something. I homeschool. I tried schools and ALL have bullying. In the "real" world it's called harassment and you lose your job. In the "real" world you go to jail. Don't use the argument on me that my children need to learn how to deal with this at school to be ready for the "real" world. In the "real" world you get in trouble and you know it. In school it's over looked and we have kids killing themselves because the parents want them to toughen up and deal with it. The others toughen up and shut down, become violent, or do drugs, or abuse themselves in some other way. Is that what you want your child feeling and becoming?

I feel a little bit broken right now. I am in want of an imaginary bottle of crazy glue. Little dab will do ya and make it all better glue.

The real issue here is not the fact I feel broken but the fact that I have no wounds to show nor do i have a story to tell. I just feel defeated and broken for no good reason.

A gray solitary funk. As if the ill feelings were somehow delivered to the wrong person and somewhere out there someone set in a bad way is feeling strangely out of place with good feelings and peace. Perhaps they need it more than I, but I would really like to have them back. i ordered those feelings. Not the misshaped and ill fitted feelings I have now.

Oh sweet smile, where did you run off to? Joyous laugh, where did I set you? Under the rug? Behind the refrigerator? Did I unknowingly throw you out? Oh dear, I do hope not.

Please, please, do come back. I miss you so!

It was here a minute ago....

I had a thought and it slipped away like an important piece of paper, with that  hot chic's number on it that you were going to call tomorrow, in the wind; gone forever.

I suppose I have nothing of real importance to offer up to the world at large. I have nothing of humorous value. Not a shed of evidence to prove or disprove global climate change. Nothing on the dangers or safety of vaccines. I have nothing to say at all really. Yet I sit here and type. Why? Because I went to a writers convention and they said to WRITE! Write, write, write, and then write some more. Do this until your fingers fall off and your brain looks to be the size of a peanut; cut in half. Then write some more DAMN IT! Ok, they were not that harsh. I think the author said twice, "write and then write some more, even if you think you have nothing to write about." I thought my perception on the whole thing was way more persuasive. You really felt the need to write, right? Lie, will ya? Make me feel better!

I am not against people lying to me to make me feel better. I have had enough of the truth to "set me free" and let me tell you that freedom sucks! I would they rather tell me they love me to get into my pants than to say, "yeah, I am horny and you are the only hole around so I wanna poke it."  Not that I have had that opportunity much in my life. I always wonder if I am worth the trouble for the tumble. I shouldn't complain. Sam still finds me groovy and that says a lot, because that is a man that will not under any circumstances LIE to get what he wants. He will point blank tell you to your face what he wants and not sugar coat it. IF he sugar coats it then he is being honest to the core. Which is pretty hot. Yet, sometimes it makes me hot in another way as well. You know that kind of hot. The kind you are sweating and you have not done anything and if you do the cops will be dispatched to your house. Yeah, that's the kind of hot I am talking about.

What do you expect? We are both, BOTH, Aries. There is enough fire in this house to melt the poles in an hour! Did I mention my oldest son is also an Aries! Woo-wee. When we argue you better watch the fuck out because we will take you down! My other sons are mild mannered and quite gentle beings... Cancer and Gemini; NOT! The Cancer is very calm, gentle, and reserved then out of NO WHERE he reaches his pincher out and like a pit bull on meth, he will not, I repeat, will NOT let go. The whole time he is screeching and yelling. Then he let's go because eventually he wants to go back to being alone more than he wants to be stuck on you with his pincher and whimpers off down the hall. The Gemini, well what can I say? He IS a Gemini twin for sure. I think Satan is his twin but thankfully he is more of an imp influence and not the full blown devil. He has that other side of his twin (an angel of questionable value) standing by reminding him that if he doesn't do something too bad, then it will only be viewed as an annoyance and he can get off the hook relatively easy. His Imp has decided that pinching, pulling hair, smacking butts, and saying "CHICKEN BUTT" whenever someone says "what?" is fun. We have deemed this evil and unacceptable behavior and have tried exorcism with kisses, only to find out he, the Imp,  LIKES THAT!

I could have saved myself the headache and married a clean freak Virgo and I could relax some knowing his OCD-ness would keep the house clean. I could have done worse by marrying a freedom loving and daydreaming Aquarius, or worse the Libra man that cannot make up his mind. Those are the commitment-phobes you hear about.

I have written enough. I need to go to bed and get going in a few hours. My well has run dry. Quite a bit for someone with nothing to say.

weird thought

The other day I thought when I was a kid the other kids would say I would die from something strange and weird. Die from something other people don't die off. When I remembered this I laughed because at the time I would have agreed with them. I was infamous for getting weird strange ailments. I was sick all the time. I had the hardest time feeling and beingwell. It has only been in the last 5 years I started to feel like I think people should feel like. I am not achy, sick, tired, and miserable. I know it is because I have changed the way I eat. I threw out the fast food, the pop, candy, and grocery store prepackaged foods. I ditched trans-fats and HFCS. I went and had allergy testing done and discovered that my current healthy diet was not exactly healthy for ME! I got rid of wheat and cow dairy, forever, and watch myself closely with others. I am rarely sick. The occassional sniffle, scratchy throat, and run down. But I don't get the "omg take me to the hospital" sickies!

This is not the case with MANY of my FB pals my age. They are having surgeries, taking lots of meds, complications, side effects, and many many trips to Dr appointments and ER visits! They are ALWAYS sick!

I laughed about how they thought I will die of some strange unexplained reason. I laughed because I know now what that will be, OLD AGE! Won't I be the weird one to actually die from getting old. LOL

in some peoples eyes.....

In some peoples eyes I am a bonafide bitch, heartless, and cold. I don't think so. I just refuses to play games or be part of all the pettiness people throw out there. I know people go through rough patches. It is how they deal with those rough patches I have issues with. Its how they keep digging around in a sore to find more infection or get some going. It is the constant whiners and belly-achers. The me-me-me people. The "ain't it aweful" folks that really chap my hide.

Today I looked though someprofiles of people I have hid from my feed. When I read their post for today or one of those "likes" they had clicked I rolled my eyes and remember why I hid them. Its one thing to get depressed realize you are such and do your best to get out of the slump. These people make a fucking career of being miserable. Boo-hoo about this and boo-hoo about that. I cringe everytime I read posts like this from the same people, day in and day out.
Is your life that fucking hard?

Did you eat today? Did you have a toilet?Are you homeless? Are you breathing well enough to walk around the yard, do jumping jacks, fly a kite? Then what are you complaining about? You got it good!


I have no compassion when you complain about petty shit. So what your dog ate your TV guide or the crotch from your panties. Who gives a flying fuck you have a wart on your finger. Who cares if you have a cavity. These are not things to fret over. We all have something petty to bitch about. Yeah sometimes you get frustrated but EVERYDAY? Give me and the world a break. Shut up until you can find something to say about your life you like. Like "my cat actually used the litter box."

Life is too short for you daily bullshit. I have decided to hide you.

To the overlooked and silent women with MKP men.....

Your man went to the New Warrior Training Adventure weekend. His first night home he acts different. He walks different, his mind drifts,  and his mannerisms are slightly off as well. He is exhausted from his weekend get-a-way. You probe him for answers with many questions. You get time and time again the same answers, "I cannot tell you about that." You feel frustrated and angry and  you cannot see how this weekend has helped your man in anyway. He wasn't talking before he left and now he is told not too. You feel like screaming, crying, and banning Man Kind Project men from entering your life and his. You have decided this was a bad idea and want no part of it. I have been there myself.

You go to the graduation. Immediately you see your man smile big and walk towards another man and embrace him in an excruciatingly long hug. They whisper into each others ears and laugh heartily. You feel uncomfortable and turn away. You cannot believe this is the man that you know. You begin to wonder if you know this man at all. Your fears about his changes begin to well up inside and you begin to feel breathless with panic. So much has changed in one week and the future is uncertain because now you have a new man in your life and you only know his name.

I was that woman. I despised MKP. I hated the fact that my husband was told not to share. I was equally disgusted he chose not to share. We fought more the first year after his weekend than we did our entire marriage to that point. My husband was not and still is not a communicator. I had hopes and dreams the weekend would change that. I felt like I was the ignored equation to this organization. My needs and desires were overlooked. So I thought. It took me a few years but I began to catch on. This was not about me. I knew this on the surface but down below I thought of this as a couples group. What I was missing and could not see was how the men needed this. The media, coaches, and well meaning men push the message of don't be a sissy, don't cry, don't be emotional, be strong, BE A MAN! This really hit home watching my sons deal with issues about manhood, "What is a man?"

My husband needed to know it was OK to feel scared, to cry, and to hug another man in a long embrace and still feel secure in his manhood. He did not have to explain to someone in the room, "I am not gay" because of the embrace. He was not labeled a "sissy" if he cried. He was not the subject of ridicule if he said he was scared. He was able to drop the facade and get a life, a real life.

Yes, it would be great if MKP would see we suffer from the society pressures on men as well, but I have yet to see that. Just like the military, they make no claims about being there for the wives and girlfriends, just the men (soldiers). "Changing the World One Man at a Time" means just that. They have changed your man in your life. How that affects your relationship depends on your relationship. It is scary. It's very scary but so is living with a man that is not owning up to his own emotions and not living life to the fullest.

For the sake of the world, let him go through this process with your support and be the strong woman in his life that loves him the way he wants to be now and not the lie he was living to make society happy.


Support his desire to change into the man he always wanted to be and take time to find the woman you always wanted to be as well.

Too many irons in the fire.....

Today I wanted to burst into tears at the end of the day. My house is a disaster. I have no time to clean. The laundry is backing up with no time to clean. The bare essentials are getting accomplished. I squeeze in this and squeeze in that until I have no time to think! My schedule for the next 3 months are FULL. Tightly woven and stuck in place racing at a break neck pace. Giddy-up!

I just about broke down in the car driving home from taking my boys to lunch, open gym, dropping the smaller boys at the park while James went to orientation with a friend at a Fall job opportunity. Next week begins a 13 week odyssey for James, and this week 9 weeks for Jonah and Zane, of classes. I will have to juggle and work and re-work how to get homeschooling complete, house cleaned, laundry complete, dishes done, and dinner on the table without burning it! Not to mention the twice a week music lessons and once a week tap, and Jonah's fencing class! The only day of the week we don't have a class/lesson to rush to is Friday and Saturday, in which I will then transport James to and from work in Lawrence on our days "off"!

I have to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time, not worry about the house at the moment, focus on the schooling and the getting everybody in their place on time! It will all work out and it will be fine.

After Christmas I can sit back and relax.......Right? ;)

am I alone?

I just finished reading my Facebook page and more than one friend posted Christian music videos. More than one friend joined the "group(s)" that say things like "Let us show we love the Lord, press Like". " I bet we can find REAL Christians, press Like" "Christ is my savior...." I feel scared by this. Am I alone? When did this happen? Why such a draw now? I remember a line from the movie Oh Brother Where Art Thou when Delmar ran into the river to "be saved" Everett said "hard times flush the chumps"

Is that it? We as a country have hit hard times and all the religious chumps are banding together? This is where and how the Taliban mentality breeds. Looks innocent enough then BAM you have yourself a major fanatic on you hands. (gay haters, burning other peoples religious texts, protesting funerals, pushing for policy change that take away freedoms)

The problem is the fact these worshipers are ignorant. Truly. How? The bible is nothing but reworked stories from another time. The Epic story of Gilgamesh, the Mahabarata, pagan myths, etc.... All the bible stories were told long before the Jews wrote it all down and God did not write it! Not only that but at the Council of Nicea Constantine declared much of the Bible unworthy, so people accept the new watered down version (much like school textbooks) and still harp about it being original sacred text.

They know nothing but what they have been told, like good little mindless children, and never once ask the important questions. They make worthless excuses that make no sense because truth be told they only read parts of the Bible the preachers says to, if at all that much.

Clueless Christians passing judgements (which the Bible says NOT to do) and are registered voters! Scary! Did the whole Shepherd leading his flock image not disturb you? If not you must be a believer in some religion. Some dogma/rule loving person. The slave of conformity. Doomed forever not to think for yourself. Raising children to do the same. Baaa baaa ram you to you fleece be true.

I don't roll like that. I cooked up my Dogma for dinner and decided I would never order that dish again, ick! I am not a helpless Lamb lost in the field needing to be rescued. I read between the lines. It's called CONTROL! They swoop in and "help you" and soon they think they own you. They only pretend to be your friend (see how friendly they are if you challenge them). You believe them to because they have sucked you in with guilt and fear. I threw religions out the window of a moving car, to be squashed and never seen again.

I realized you cannot raise creative freethinkers if you have a dogma belief strapped to you. You cannot think out of the box if you keep one foot in it. I burnt the boxes so my children have to learn life out of the box from the start! Free thinkers! Creative thinkers not tied down to the beliefs of others.

Life is about living. Life is about choices. Life is what YOU make of it. God does not have say and neither should a church.
Sadly, America and the world is going through some changes and it scares people. They grasp the cloth, grip the bible, sing the hymns, trust clergy people they do not know for answers, hummm.... hard times really do flush the chumps.

The Truth and Nothing but the Truth So Help Me God.....

We all like to think of ourselves as honest. We all like to think of ourselves as being a good and decent person. The fact is we are just not that nice. We are truly animals with rule books. It is hard to stop those urges of ou primal past. We struggle on a daily basis. Our laws are to protect us from acting on our animalistic behavior. Casual sex, stealing, raping, murder, and other behaviors are seen in the animal kingdom quite often.

Next morning: I found the above on my phone. I remember writing it. I had a bit too much wine. I am blaming that! I was feeling something, not sure how to explain it, about lying. Lying. Sigh.

Not a scholar? So what!

Lately I have been chastised for not being a grammar scholar and a math wizard. This is what is wrong with society today. educational snobs getting stuck on the idea you are not important or you have no value if you cannot figure out out how to properly use the words "lay" or "lie" in reference to putting something on the table. You are somehow a failure if you cannot remember your times table. They are so busy being educational snobs that they miss the fact you/I have other talents. Talents that could possibly change the world, but that is not important to them. No, only the grammar and math are important. These are typically the same people that buy into the notion that you must have a degree in something, even if it's basket weaving, to prove you are smart enough to answer the phone with a friendly voice.  I am not putting down college. I would love to have the extra knowledge it can provide. But from what I see, the people leaving, they only passed their tests to get the grade to get out. Same as with their public education. They pushed and rambled and partied their way through just so they could leave and get on with their lives. Not any smarter mind you, just job worthy. They still cannot spell, they do not know proper grammar, they still do not know their multiplication tables. They used spell check, grammar check, and a calculator to get through the piles and piles of homework. They were not out finding their passion and finding their genius. This here lies the problem. This is what the movie trailer Race to Know Where was talking about. We, as a society, need to stop and think what is really important.

Stop being educational snobs. Some of us, no matter how much you push, will not learn everything perfectly, but we know enough to get by and if left alone we can become better at something you cannot do.

As for myself, and I think this is my oldest son as well from what he has told me, mix numbers up while we read them. 514 becomes 415 or 154. Try to add that to another number and the wrong answer will appear and you don't know why! I have to go very slow when working with numbers. I triple check and then proceed. I am not dumb, my brain just works differently. Yes, it is frustrating. It's hard when someone yells out a phone number and expect me to get it down correctly the first time. I can cook! I can taste it and recreate it. I know smells, textures, and flavors. I know by memory the smell of a certain spice and just KNOW it will be nasty with another. I know color. I can problem solve. I am creative. I am full of ideas. I am a people person. I just suck at math and yes, grammar.

In school I was taken out of class during grammar lessons to learn more math. I missed recess to learn more math. It did not help me in the least. In fact I lost out on social time of making friends because I was taking so much math. I missed out on creative art because I was doing math.

I know doing more does not mean more success. Doing more creates contempt, no, contempt sounds to mellow. Doing more when you are struggling to understand it and missing out on what you love creates a seething hatred for all that is and that will ever be for the subject at hand.

Make a boy that hates frilly dolls or a girl that hates dirty football do it. Over and over and over and over.....

"Be the change you seek." Gandhi said that. That is what I am doing. I am changing the way I think people should be taught, one kid at a time, starting with my own! If you are one of those that disagree, keep your mouth shut, because your way has clearly not worked.

Race to Nowhere Trailer

The road to hell....

.....is paved with good intentions.

This is a quote my father uses a lot. Oh, boy howdy is it true! There is nothing more annoying than busy bodies with nothing better to do than check in on your progress out of concern. Nothing more annoying in not trusting someone. Nothing says, "I don't trust you." like prying into someone else's business.

Yet this seems to be the theme of my life every single year I have been homeschooling. I admit my boys are not academically up to speed with their public school peers. We did a lot of experimenting with different methods. We tried unschooling, we tried Waldorf, we tried virtual public schools. We tried private, public, and an eclectic mix of them all.  Much of the fail proof systems have failed along the way in some manner; either academically or some other reason. I disliked unschooling because my children decided not schooling was the way to go. They would rather listen to the radio and watch movies. It did not fly. Public school was a life force sucking machine. Any twinkle and desire of an eagerness to learn was sucked out. We tried two private routes. One school was a joke. They changed teachers four times in my oldest class. When he left after going a year was still in the dark about what a period was, and I mean the grammatical period. They told me he was reading well, he was far from it. I brought home my 3 grader to begin Kindergarden/1st grade. He has been behind ever since, but is making progress, slowly but surely. His desire to learn was zapped in Kindergarten from the public school. Ever since he has resisted learning ANYTHING until recently. The problem lies here, but I am the one that gets the blame. The mama that travels all over the state and near-by states to visit museums, enrichment activities, etc... to teach my children about EVERYTHING. I do spelling, grammar, math, writing, science, history, and whatever strikes our fancy. I get the blame because my oldest two are considered "behind."

Behind what? Behind a public school child that knows NOTHING but how to be a great test taker? No, I do not have children like that. I have thinkers, ponderers, imaginative and creative brilliant critical thinking geniuses! They have a rich vocabulary. They know dates, details, and facts about many many subjects. They know how to follow their passion and think on their feet. They may not know the multiplication table right off the top of their heads but does this really stifle them? When kids taking the state tests are allowed to bring in a calculators and are passed when clearly they did not know their Multiplication Tables either (psss, I know this because they had to have the calculator!)

Why then am I picked on? Why am I considered not a suitable teacher? Tell me! I present the material. I do it in different ways. I made cardboard letters, I made stories up about letters and numbers, I made art projects out of letters, and I even did it the traditional way with workbooks and flash cards. I go all out. I cannot help it then if my child is not ready to learn. This could mean they are either not ready because of age or skill level or the fact they could care less!

My oldest refused to learn how to read until he was almost 11. Why? I don't know. He refused. He told me he did not want to learn. By God he kept his promise until he saw other kids able to read. He wanted to do it too. Now he is a reader. Is he really stunted? Well if he tried out for college right now, yes, but will he be by the time that rolls around in 4 years, no. He is brilliant. He truly is a genius, but not in the academically sense.

Bottom line is this. I can only present it. I can only teach the material. I can only get myself excited about it. I can only WANT my child to learn. If they choose to NOT learn, I cannot help that. I, nor can anyone else, MAKE someone learn if they do not want to learn. If they are fighting you then they will not learn. I can only re-teach the same material over in a different way until they finally have the miracle A-HA! moment and we move on.

Before you or anyone else bash the teacher, stop and think that perhaps the student is not ready, not willing, or simply a pain in the ass. Don't think for a second I have not done my best and put my best foot forward. I can only do so much, the rest is up to the student.

So BACK OFF! You are in no way helping!

Just to hear myself talk

The richness that the night brings is a miracle unto itself. The beauty and depth of the pure darkness, to its feverish haunting sounds, to its generously salted skies brings on a sense of peaceful fear. The night envokes all your fears and all your hopes into shadows. The dancing twig with the lone leaf becomes a fearsome demon, a dangerous dragon, or worse The dreaded unstoppable blood hungry vampire bat just waiting for you to let your guard down. The night inserts silent giggles in your tummy. A scared little inner child and the fierce adventure driven inner teenager collide and argue with on the course of action. The night is your blankie from the day, you hide underneath and live in your imagination until that mean old sun comes along and takes your fun away. Only at night does magic happen. Fairies, wood nymphs, trolls, gobblins, hobgobblins, brownies, spirtes, spirits, dragons, unicorns, and other un-worldly creatures and beasties come out of hiding. It is truly a time for magic. The darkness and depth of a country night is not for the weak hearted, for you never know what sorts of mischief you will find. Fairies dance by moonlight, dragons drinking from the neighbors pond, unicorns moon bathing. Perhaps i t is best that you continue to believe in only bugs and their mating calls and leaves that look like a scary animal and stay indoors. Leave this magic to the professional youth within!

Charlie Brown....

I sometimes feel like Charlie Brown. Moping around feeling sorry for myself. At somepoint I realize I am doing it to myself. I create my own world. It is then I make a sloppy vow with myself to change. If I had changed I would not be here now complaining about my inner Charlie Brown. How am I Charlie Brown you say? Let me tell you. I don't feel included in much that goes on around me. I don't feel as if I belong. I feel like a fifth wheel taken along in case someone else is a blow out I can stand in. I feel a lot of disconnect from humans. Sitting in a crowded room lonely. I look like the loner but truly I am not. While I am in that siuation I feel saddened or irritated. "Be somebody else!" I scream to myself. Sometimes I pul it off and I am included then later I regret being that person. I feel dirty, used, and drained. Being something or someone you are not is never a good idea in the long term. It brings about a fleeting moment of happiness on the superficial surface. An act that cannot be maintained. I know now that is not someone I can be and I don't feel good in those types of situations. I suppose this means I will Charlie Brown it until I figure out how to be OK with myself on this level.

I find myself daydreaming, as it is, about throwing off the shackles of humanity and tucking myself away in a cool mossy forest. A small rounded cottage with ivy smothering it. Not dealing with the overwhelming emotions of miserable humans. I honesty cannot stand to hear feel bad stories, woeful tales, and scary situations. I find myself sitting there gleaming with idle disgust as the storyteller blabs endlessly about dispair. I shut down. Become silent and wait out my sentence with horror of some peoples minds.

I am not a silent person. I like to talk. I like to bounce around ideas. I like to think deep. I want and need positive energy. I have been removing myself from those that do not have this. I am finding it quite lonely at times. But so worth it to my sanity.

Perhaps this this why I feel so Charlie Brown?

just thoughts

I had some major life changing "ah ha" moments this weekend and while preparing to share them in this forum my phone crapped out, the website froze up, and then it all went away. I finally told the universe I would not share it and it's all working now. I have now decided to move away from that topic.

The Universe, God energy, whatever you want to call Her, is a very powerful force not to be ignored. Otherwise you might find yourself dealing with unplesant results. This is why I heeded my silent but annoying warnings. I am now curious. My inner child, my nosey neighbor, my oppresive big brother wants to know what is going on.

I was going to be able to disclose all. But the mere feelings behind it. I will behave. I will be silent. I will go into meditation and work through this moment.
Time will heal and life will continue. I am ready. Let's meditate, Spirits. Help me, guide me, along my path.

Dreams, aspirations, etc....

We all have dreams and aspirations, right?
We all desire something that would make our lives richer, deeper, and give us a feeling of accomplishment. I am standing on the precipice of such desire and I am not sure to jump or back away. 


I know everybody that would read this would scream, "JUMP, JUMP, YOU CAN DO IT!"
But the fear of failure is standing in my way. The fear of people knowing I couldn't do it keeps me frozen.


It would be so much easier if more people were more supportive. 

perfection.....

I had someone refer to me as being "perfect" and then I saw someone near-by roll their eyes in disgust after that comment.
It made me feel uncomfortable. The person making the statement never noticed the other
Persons reaction, but I did. In fact I could have crawled into a little hole right then and
Would have been ok with it. I didn't and couldn't have if I wanted. The re I was hearing all
These words of praise in front of a bunch of strangers.

Some would argue that I have a low self-esteem if I cannot take a compliment. This was not a
Compliment. This was gushing over-rated undeserved praise. I had done nothing to warrant
Such praise. I was just being me. That was all. I was being a decent human doing what
Felt right for me. I was not following the crowd to fit in and was not being someone I am not
To score brownie points. Yet some how doing the right thing seems so rare these days
My values stood out and caused one person to think I was a pious twit and another to
Swoon such traits. I really wish people would get to know me better before slobbering
Praises about so much. I am not perfect. I am far from it. Neither have I ever pretended to be.
I do have values, morals, and expect decent behavior from folks but I am in no way a
Pious saint and divine angel. It's more like pointy horns and sharp tallons.

Struggling to find myself

I have been on a quest for some time to find myself. I have tried many things. I have dipped into many religions. I have read books. I have met all sorts of people. I have Googled every idea, every thought, and every strange keyword that came my way. I joined groups, bought memberships, and even changed the way I eat (multiple times).

I camped out and camped in. I sat in a sweat twice. I baked goods for fundraisers. I removed chunks of flesh and blood off surgical instruments for an animal MASH clinic. I prepped dogs for surgery and cleaned up their puke afterwards.

I smoked, experimented, and drank copious amounts of intoxicating substances. I sang gospel. Read the bible, more than once. I read the Gita, more than once. I read The Course in Miracles. I read Winnie-the-Pooh.

I have taken classes on clay, painting, drawing, and yoga. I have danced in a sari and chanted. I have taken an Indian cooking class and a didgeridoo class. I have drummed hours on end. Been covered head to toe with clay. Bum filled with sand from the beach and covered with baby puke.

I have done a fair share of fun. Yet it's so hard to remain happy once the moment has wore off. The people are home and not with you, and you are left with the memory. The memory is great, but the actual in the moment feeling is better.

In the Gita, and other Eastern studies, you are to get away from the sense-gratification. It's a drug that keeps you from finding and keeping inner peace. It keeps you in lack. Always longing for something new to "kill the pain" of boredom. I admit, finally after 35 years, I am a sense-gratification junkie!

I long for the next big gathering of fun. Chanting, dancing, drumming, sweating, throwing clay. Making fires, drinking wine, and talking with other humans.

It would be nice to get to the point where I am OK with being alone, being "here now." I am not. I am still desiring Native American sing-a-longs in the woods with drums and flutes and dancing. I still long for dancing naked around the fire. Painting nudes. Feeling my fingers squish in wet clay.

As Cyndi Lauper put so eloquently, "Girls just wanna have fun!"

Is anybody out there?

Growing up I felt invisible. I could talk endlessly and no one listened. They would ask questions about anything and everything NOT pertaining to the subject at hand. I have memory upon memory of being mid-sentence to be blatantly ignored while a grown-up you spat off about being pissed at someone, money, or work. I rarely said much to people about it. When I did that to was ignored. I thought as a grown-up this would change. I never let it fester much because I knew someday I would be a grown-up and I could have conversations with other grown-ups and be heard.

This is only partly true. I did grow up and I do have a many great conversation. I have a listening audience, so it seems. What I have discovered it a deaf audience pretending to hear. They nod appropriately, they gasp at the right moment, they uh-humm at the appropriate moment. You feel all warm in fuzzy inside until the next week when they chastise you for not telling them XYZ.

In the beginning you stand your ground and tell them you did. You think they are senile or overly worked. Eventually you discover they are self absorbed and could really careless about what is going on in your life. You discover that you can tell these people the same stories over and over and over and over, like an unraveling sweater that you keep knitting and knitting.

This leaves one to ponder all sorts of things; like why bother being social, why speak, why.....

As a species we chatter far too much and wail about the most minute happenings. We want to be heard, yet no one is listening.

This leaves one to ponder further the meaning of existence and I think living in a silent wooded area surrounded by chattering tree leaves and bouncy squirrels a real boon; if you can find such a utopia!

christians explain the earthquakes......

*written via phone no spell check

Today I was driving down the street and pasted a church with a changeable billboard sitting out front to tell you how welcome you are. A billboard to tell you the time of bible study and services. This billboard was void of such announcements. Instead it spoke of the recent earthquakes and which bible verses to read to discover why they are happening. I made a mental note of such verses. When I got home I pulled the paperback bible off the back of the toilet and went to my room to educate myself. There I found out why God is killing these people with earthquakes. Its because they are evil. They have strayed. The deserve this and the end of the world is near.

Do you get this? God made the earth shake. Killed hundreds of people, because they were evil. Evil? Haiti is evil? Little babies in Chile are evil? The dogs and cats crushed to death are evil? If they were evil why didn't Satan save his obidient children?

Someone posed the question to me, "wonder what they would say if it happened to them." I knew exactly what they would say, "The Devil did this to us!" You know that "evil-doer" we call a fallen angel but really has God-like status in the Christian faith.

Must be nice to never have blame bestowed upon your annoited Christian head. Never responsible for your actions.
If its good, God did it. Which means you are a good Christian. If its bad the Devil did it and you need to talk to God more.
Or you talk to that other God called Jesus. Oh it is all so confusing.

I am really glad the Christians know what is going on. Here I thought tetonic plates were moving and pressure was building and perhaps the domino effect might be going on. You know one moves it triggers them all. But darn it all to heck, it was God the whole time and he was weeding his field. He only keeps wheat you know and they were evil weeds.

Silly me, I was so ignorant. I thought weeds were just flowers and plants that wildlife ate but not what you wanted in your perfectly vain lawn....oh I really need to stop reading science and read the bible!

just another Tuesday on Monday......

I am not feeling very cuddly right now. I am not feeling very loving. I am not one to open my arms and let you in. I am feeling rather cold and distant. Distrustful. Cynical. Brash. Although my sexual desires are unquenchable.
I am not daring. I am not a darling. I could care less if sports even exsisted. I lack the ability to be tactful in many situations. I lack the ability to converse effectively in person. I am not willing to see your point of view because I mostly think you are an idiot to think that way. I do not think having an affair is bad IF the partner approves, but it IS bad if you are being sneaky. I appreciate honesty over most other qualities. I also respect you more if you admit blame and work to fix it, rather than lie and be a weasel. I do not go to church. I abhor religion, I have seen the light and it came from outside. I am fat and its not from eating bon bons and nachos with pop. I am not lazy, I just don't have enough to do. I get bored easily. I find most women pain in the asses and the biggest prissy shit heads. You will survive without a manicure and nail polish. No, I will not paint my toes. Get over it! No, I will not shave my pits, men don't have to. I have the right to keep my pubic hair the way it grows in. If my lover cannot abide by nature then they need to take a hike. I am a woman not a bald pussy little girl. Take your pedophile ass to jail and leave me alone. I am not tall. I know I am short, don't need a reminder every couple hours. I got that, can you? I am pretty, I don't need to wear make-up and look like a clown to "be pretty!" Nope, no perfume either. You can't dig my scent then we are not meant for each other, period. What you thinking? What a bitch? No, a woman that wants you to know there are women out there that really really like sex. We are not beauty queen barbie doll twits. We are real as real gets. We are in your face honest. We are alive! I am a woman. Real. Saucy. Sassy. Sexy. Beautiful. Strong. Like me, love me, or hate me. I could care less. I am going to be me and welcome the those that want to join my crazy train, but I will not wait for passengers. I got things to do. Woooo-wooo!

more random via phone in bed

Fighting off a panic attack is like fighting of a rabid starving dog hiding in the bushes. You don't know when it will happen but you can hear the growls following around. You walk calmly and carefully not wanting to upset him. There are times though a ringing phone, loud music, and clanking dishes will push him over the edge. Before you know it he got you down on the ground and you are begging, pleading, and fighting for your life. Sometimes you can drug the pooch. Sedate him. But he's still there, lurking in the shadows.

I really want to put that rabid dog to sleep, permanently, but do not know how. Life is short and precious and I do not want to fight that beast evermore! I want peace, joy, livelyness, and love to fill my sweet happy days.

I want to have a conversation with someone and not have a panic attack at some point after we talk. I would like to be less sensitive. This beast has dictated my life for years now and its crippling my free spirit. Then again that could be the problem. I am not as free as I want to be. Being an only child I never felt free to do and go and be. I know I would not live in Kansas! Or anywhere near here.

I do fell fenced in most of the time. I need the outdoors. Fresh air. Dirt on my hands. Hair ruffled by the wind. The sun tanning my skin. Walking in the warmth and breeze of the night on a full moon. Bathing nude in the moon light. Making love with the lighting bugs flashing between moans. The glory. The rapture. The pure beauty of it all. Oh, how I long.

random....pointless...........

I lie here in bed with a deep desire to sleep but my eye burns and my throat is scratchy with an intense tickle. With these minor issues along with my constantly spinning thoughts I decided to spend some time to purge. Then I can rest easier.

Tonight someone mentioned in a thread that there was a little of so in so in all ladies, written by a woman. A man then said that was NOT true. Until I can read the book I can only speculate what they could be talking about.


I started thinking about women I know after reading that comment. I know a lot of differnt kinds. Everything from cold prudes to sexed up nymphomaniacs. Friends with a tantra teacher and friends with the opposite. What amazes me more than anything is you CANNOT judge a book by its cover. Some of the most sexed up women I know are simple regular looking average janes. On the same token a hot babe that dresses like a hooker could careless. Then you have every combination there on. I know the same goes for men. But the media would have you believe something else entirely.

I wonder how many people out there are missing out on great sex because they looked at the cover? How many people are expected to like it or want it based on this perception? The one thing that still boggles my mind more than anything else are those people grossed out from french kissing.

I could go on but I won't. I don't want to scare anybody and give away my views on sex, which I think we need more of...but that is another story for another time. I will now go to sleep before my cough drop wears off.

giving up grains

Some people might think I am doing a strange new diet fad. Some might contribute it to Lent, but then that means they do not know me well. Some will ponder about doing it too. I am not doing a fad diet. I am not doing this for Lent, although it was started around the same time. No, I am simply giving my body a rest, a fast if you will, from grains and legumes. Hindus do it once a month, a fasting from grains from sun set to sun up. I am going longer to let my body heal from the years of grain build up.

I recently heard about a group of people that eat a paleolithic diet, aka, The Caveman Diet. You do not eat grains, beans, legumes, and that includes peanuts and cashews. These people state that our bodies evolved to eat a hunter-gather diet. We are not to eat agricultural diets. Meaning eat foods that must be planted, cared for, harvested, and take time to cook and prepare for eating. This even means corn, that SHOULD. Be soaked in lime before ingesting.

The proponents for this diet swear they are healthier than ever. Lean, trim, and feeling great. The leader is an elderly man with the testosterone and sex drive of a 19 yr old with the body of an athletic 30 yr old. He is almost 80.

I read an article stating some people with wheat allergies or gluten sensitivities should abstain from eating oats until their body had healed. This got me thinking about going grain free for a while. I am still pondering how long I want to go. I agreed with myself to take it week by week. I am on day 4 going on day 5 and I feel like a junkie needing a fix. I whispered to my beer, "Not today." I caressed the popcorn container, opened and sniffed the grits, licked my lips thinking of gluten free toast.

This is proof I must forge on and continue my quest of grain free life style....for a little while longer. *forgive my spelling errors I am typing from a droid phone.  

Negativity and its impact

We all have those moments when we say something negative or think something negative. The goal here is not to make it your life. Negative thinking is poison. Most people agree what you think about and what you speak about you create in your world, but people have seemed to miss the connection between those two ideas.

We must forget that those negative words and phrase and bad attitudes are shaping your destiny. Every time  you groan, mumble, bitch, complain, every time your emotions are dancing like flames, licking your words as they leap from your mouth you are creating it for the future.

Why then do humans do this not only daily but with nearly every segment of their day?
Carrying on about sickness. Talk about criminals and what they do to people. Talk about accidents. Talk about hate, poverty, lack, and victimhood.

It is such a downer for myself to be around people that talk endlessly about negative issues. Never talking about what they love, cherish, desire, enjoy. They tell me what they fear, hate, don't want, and do it with so much energy and passion that my body begins to feel tense. I feel ill at ease. I am being sucked into their vortex of hell. I don't like that feeling. That is a hint to run. Find the solace of joyful beings.

Life is about what you make of it and you make it with every breath you speak out. With every passionate thought you think. Every time to repeat yourself about sickness, despair, and woes you create more. Take that passion people and place it where you have love, desire, dreams of betterment. Talk to people about things that make you smile. Talk about the life you want. Breathe in the love and exhale peace. Make your mind up to change. Make up your mind to be different than everyone else. Decide your life is and will be beautiful. Decide your children are safe and healthy. Decide you are empowered. Decide you are abundant. Rich with friends, love, money, and....(fill in the blank)

Next time you feel that feeling that you KNOW does not feel like peace, goodness, and love; STOP keep your mouth shut and think of something good. Try it. Take a deep breath if you have too. Stutter if you must. Blink your eyes if it's feeling difficult. But DO IT! Your life will change and you will in turn affect those around you to be more positive too.

That's interesting! (WTF does that mean?)

The word interesting is thrown about far too much. We use it to say we like it. We say it to mean we hate it. We use it as a way to keep from saying something rude or mean spirited, "What are you on fuckin' Crack? That's hideous!!" Is what we really mean, but we give the congenial smile and say very pleasantly, "Oh, that is interesting!" with a slight raised eyebrow.


This has got me thinking. I live with a man that throws the word  "interesting" around as if it was a racquetball in play. This concerns me. Does he really think I am interesting or I am a schmuck? Does my love for writing interest him? How about my love for Bollywood music, 1930's and 40's music, Bluegrass, and Reggae? What about my very liberal tendencies? My lack of religion? My ban on shaving my pits? My  save the world mentality? My art? My boisterous voice? My booming overall existence? 


Ah! It would be so much easier if people would use different words to mean different things. Not leaving me to wonder what they mean. 


Next time he catches me in one of my moods dancing around the house, singing words to a made up song in my head in a weird obnoxious voice I hope he can muster the courage to say what he really thinks, "Where in the hell did I find such a freakin' nut like yourself!?" instead of smiling and blinking hard and fast as he stutters and lingering on syllables, "you are SOOOooooo interesting!"

Sing About My Winter Blues

I shiver, quiver, and shake in bed every night. I snuggle up with Sam and have even went as far to share blankets with him. I wear copious amounts of clothing to bed. I whimper constantly. I shut my eyes after the thaw begins and sleep throught the night. I wake up around 8am to find the world bleak, colorless, and GRAY! We are now on month 3 of gray days. We had rain. Then fog, then snow, then for no reason the sun still was scarcely seen. Oh the misery! of day after day. I am losing my mind. I now sit and contemplate what would happen mixing Rescue Remedy in wine. I have made mind numbing herbal cocktails. I am falling into the winter depression felt by true northerners. Shampooing, clipping toe nails, putting on pants for visitors seem like challenges I have never experienced before. I get through my days by watching 1950's sci-fi, checking facebook, cleaning turd pieces off toilets, and daydreaming about Summer! Dancing naked around a fire, going swimming the way Goddess intended, and drinking enough mojitos next to the sprinkler to pickle my organs. Ahhhhh yes, summer, I can feel your warm southerly breeze tickleing my ear....oh wait that is Sam on the verge of snoring.

Time to call it a night and think about Summer and the fun.....again.

Christians Vs the rest of us

(Couldn't sleep, from phone in bed)

The title here will make some cringe and others rejoice. I am here only to state my opinions and not bash. I want to make that clear. I am though noticing from many people an awakening in being Christian. More and more people are choosing to be catagorized as such. I blame the fear mongoring media after 9/11 and the fear Muslims will come get us. This surge of the new Christedom is also being met with a new culture of free thinkers. People, like myself do not wish to be pigeon hole or shoe boxed in. We do not find comfort in dogma and religion. These fre thinkers come in many differnt shape, sizes and beliefs. I for one do believe in Spirit but not the dogma/rules and I do not believe Jesus was as people believe say he is. He was a mortal flesh man with spirit that "got it" and his message got twisted, changed, and distorted. I believe the Bible HAD its place and its no longer needed.

I see so many religious people telling me I will find joy with the Lord. Yet they look miserable. What you want me to join your messed up dis-eased world? No thank you. If I am not happy now, talking to a dead guy will not make it any better. Happiness, joy, love all comes from within, not without. Looking outside myself for peace will always keep me searching and never taking responsibility for myself.

I truly believe we attrack, create, and make our own truths/world. Like it or not. We are the masters of our own universe. Don't believe me? Start by listening to those around you. Those that speak of health or sickness the most have it. Those that speak of being victimized continue to, always in the most unexpected places. "I am sick and tired of you....of this...." those people that talk like this tend to be sick and tired all the time. Its very simple, yet it alludes many.

I went on a personal tangent; the point here I wanted to make is this. I am not going to join your side any more you want to join mine. Save your energy and let's make a deal not to force each others views. Ask questions. You wanna die to get to happy joyful super duper heaven, great. Do it. But I am going to enjoy myself here on earth and be thankful for my living. Why else would I come if it wasn't to have fun and enjoy myself?

Peace to all who have beliefs and opinions. Love thy neighbor does not mean beat him over the head with your bible.

alone in a crowded room

(Again from my phone and no spell check)

Today I sat down on the wooden bench in the ladies locker room to take off my boots and don my shabby old swimming suit. At once I stopped. I took a breath and exhaled loudly. I was alone and it felt good. This eerie damp stillness over took my senses and I sat there not moving. I could hear the boys splashing in the pool. Men showering next door. The hot tub whirring. Ever so loudly. But I was alone. The muffled noises let me know I was among the living but the sillness in the concrete room lent itself to a complete different reality. I like that feeling. Going to a party and slip off to hear the noises and not see the people. I find myself being transported. Alone in a crowded room. You never know what happy unexpected adventures you can experience.

bon-bons and soaps

The image that is conjured up when you mention "housewife" is bon-bons and soaps. This is further from the truth. I am sure there are many women (and stay at home men) that endulge in trash day tv and havesweet eating habits. When I think about my days and nights as a housewife being diluted into that image, I feel anger surging within my veins. Granted not every single day is a 'go go get'em boy' kind of day,but mosts days they are unless I just make myself stop. A typical day is cleaning up the kitchen of the mess my husband made while making breakfast for himself and the kids, because of my allergies I typically eat other things. I empy the clean dishes from the washer. Load the dirty ones in and start a new load. I then put things away, wipe down the counters, and sweep the floors for the whole downstairs. I direct children into chores and then settle down to eat my breakfast. By now the kids are asking me for this and that and the other. All want my attention for something. Somewhere in this time we squeeze in school. Life picks up in the kitchen within an hour of my final departure of the morning. The children that ate hour or two before me are hungry again. I commence making lunch. I clean up and give a quick sweep to the kitchen floor. I gather up all dirty dishes and wait for the dishwasher to finish. I run down to start a load of laundry......

This is a typical day. What this does not mention are the homeschool group meetings, scouts, music lessons, playdates, gym time, grocery shopping, and all the other activities we squeeze in. Not mentioned there is the feeding of chickens, cat, dogs, cleaning up dog/cat puke, cat litter, and home repair.

When my husband gets home from work he throws on his pj's and settles down and eats his dinner and relaxes. I pop back up and repeat my morning because the dishwasher needs to be clean when I get up.

My wish is not for people to feel sorry, I chose this life. I like being in this role. Just remember to respect the work of a stay at home moms and know she's probably been on her feet going inside a tiny house more than you have at "work."

not a puppet

(From phone, no spell check)

Today I watched a video talking about education in America and even in Japan. The piece that moved me into thought was the mentioning of how schools deaden creative thought. They squelch the entire spirit out of the child and want complete conformity. Learn how to do meaningless work and follow instructions to a "T" without quetioning the powers that be. Then when these kids get to college and beyond they do not know to think for themselves. They do not have any creativity to bring to the table. Japan comes into play because they are far more rigid than Americans. They have even more issues than we do when it comes to businesses needing free thinkers.

What are you called if you do not do your school work? What are you called if you say something everybody does mindlessly is wrong and you refuse to do it anymore? Trouble maker! You are feared! There would not have been any civil rights movement if we did not have a few dangerous free thinking trouble makers around. Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King, and many other people behavior issues that changed the way we think.

As I see it homeschooling, I should say, unschooling is a way to create more free thinking adults into the world.
My question now is the world ready for my unruly non-conformist free thinking boys unleashed into the cookie cutter society?
I. Am proud to be raising deliberate conscious free thinking creative disobident non conformist that will change they way you think!

mad as a march hare

Another post from my phone......

Mad as a March hare. We have all heard the term. Nutty. Fruitcake. A freakin' loon. Tweaked. Messed up. Nut job. Batty. The names we call people that a differnt from us are endless, and none of them are enduring. The first time we meet someone we size them up to see what catagory we place them. The ones the play by the rules of society are the ones that get the praise and adoration. The ones the follow by their own rules get labeled with such negative terms as "crazy."

You will say that there are some people that are "touched" and this is true. Some people rightly deserve the title bestowed upon them. They have that distant wide-eyed look that tells you they are not only "missing the boat" on reality, but rather was not aware their was a boat to get. We also know a "mad woman/man" that fuctions relatively well in society but is rather unstable with personal relationships and everyday issues. These are the ones we should think of when we use those terms.

The problem arises when we use those terms for someone that lives differntly. Differntly because he/she chooses to build a house that is not cookie cutter and tradtional. Wears clothing unlike the typical person. Breaks societies unspoken rules of behavior. They shave when they are expected to be hairy and remain hairy when they should shave. Wear pants when they should wear skirts or womens clothing when they should wear mens. We chastise them for their ideas, because they must be wrong for they have not followed the rules. We dismiss their brilliance and refuse to let them shine.

These "nut jobs" hold the flame to humanity's fire and societital rule commitees run forth with thick blankets to smother it out. Throwing bile filled epitaphs, labels, and descriptions about these genius among us. They are called bi-polar, insane, and disturbed. These "good for nothing" people have much to offer. Literaure, art, design, scientists, music, and a score of other ways these "losers" contribute to your pleasure.

The next time you are faced with someone that does not follow the norms and follow the herd do one of two things. One, back off and say nothing and let it be. Two, support them either with words of encouragement, money, or see how you can help them make it happen.

These are not the crazy people, just misunderstood by those whose brains are not yet developed enough to think for themselves. Embrace the differences and enjoy the peace that comes with it.

Awareness

We have been inundated with awareness lately. Everybody with a cause wants to be heard. Not a bad concept, but there is such a thing as running it into the ground. Take Breast Cancer Awareness. I can no longer wear pink without someone thinking I am doing it for the boobs. Really, how did pink get picked in the first place? Last I checked, which is every morning and night, mine were not pink. Did the color get picked because I am a "girl?" Disgusting. I don't see men wearing powder puff blue ribbons to represent prostate cancer. We all know about that, don't we?

My beef with the whole "Awareness" model is that we already KNOW and we don't need reminding. It also does no good rubbing it in. And all that money people donate will not go to help anyone with the cancer. No one pays their bills. Nope, it lines the pockets of more pharmaceutical companies. They are NOT doing research for a cure, they are doing research on how to keep you barely alive so they can keep giving you more drugs. They are not into healing.

The other issue is a total lack of consciousness. What you think of manifests itself. If you keep talking and talking ad talking about something it's going to manifest itself; good or bad!
Wearing ribbons, buying cans of soup with ribbons, asking people what their bra color is, it all brings about more of something we do not want.

I do not jump on the band wagon unless I know what we are asking for from the universe is going to be good for me. I put my energy into talking about what I want, not what I do not want.

I support health, happiness, safety, love, and freedom. I support organic foods, raw milk, homeschooling,  religion free living, and sustainability.  Stop supporting and raising awareness to things you do not like. Support what you do. A family member that experienced cancer, breast and liver, said this when she saw the bra color facebook awareness status, "If we don't know by now, then we are dead!" She did NOT participate.